AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

"I've seen a lot of people promoting Transgender Trend here, just want to make sure you know that this is an anti-trans group, so not somewhere to get help in supporting a child who feels they might be trans."

Whether Transgender Trend is, or is not, anti-trans isn't the issue. Women feel that men don't - can't - really understand the female dynamic. The same is true of gender dysphoria. People who haven't experienced gender dysphoria themselves struggle to understand it. The OP needs people who do. That's why I recommend Mermaids ahead of Transgender Trend.

Thousands of trans people do NOT commit suicide every year. That is a lie. And those who do commit suicide do so for myriad complex and individual reasons, not because some parents don't allow their children to harm themselves with breast binders or blockers.

My daughter has been saying similar things lately. She is 10. She has ASD.

I blame Youtube. She is no longer allowed on this unsupervised.

She says things like "I don't want a vagina - I want a penis" and "I want to be a man".

I simply say - no, it's not possible. You can never be a man. You have female DNA and a female body. When you are older, you can very well go ahead and have an operation to close up your middles and create a a bit of skin that looks like a penis - but it will never be a penis. You will simply be a woman with an extra bit of skin.

I keep asking "why?". What difference would it make if you were a man? She can't answer this. She simply says that vaginas are boring and she wants a penis! Absolutely ridiculous.

We are quite a gender neutral household. I would never describe her as a tombuy as I believe that to be a damaging term. She likes painting her nails and she also likes football. She hates dresses and skirts but she loves sparkly tshirts and shorts. I don't know why i'm telling you this. None of it makes any difference. Her likes and dislikes are simply part of her personality - nothing at all to do with her sex.

My suggestion? Tell her it's not possible for her to be a man. If she is disgusted by her body, she may have a gender dysphoria and needs urgent CAHMs input. Luckily my daughter hasn't expressed such feelings. Simply that she is bored with what she has and thinks that when she's older she'd quite like a penis!

I think if we stopped pandering and began telling children the truth that it's simply not possible to change sex, then we'd see a whole lot less of cases like this.

I think if we stopped putting children into boxes such as 'tomboy' then children would feel more comfortable expressing themselves freely without feeling as though their personality and likes/dislikes are out of sync with their sex. After all, gender is little more than personality.

Again, Transgender Trend is run by parents of trans children. I'm sure they do understand gender dysphoria and what it's like because they are living with it it every day.

I really feel for you. I can't really offer any advice sorry and I'm sure there will be lots of good advice from others.
However, please be careful that she knows the risks of the pill including blood clots.
I got a DVT at a young age (considered young for DVT)from taking the pill and had no idea of the implications or how much it could have affected my life. I was put on blood thinners and even after 10 years I still have awful cramps and pain in that leg.

In many cases the identity is formed at birth

I think that sentence tells people all they need to know about that poster...

OP can I suggest that you don't post on AIBU. It's not the right topic. There's an LGBT kids topic which might be more helpful. Plus the thread is less likely to be removed - which this one may well be soon!

Stompy, be careful, what you are saying is libellous.
The crowdfunder was suspended pending investigation, simply because it received a large number of reports. No findings have been made by crowdfunder or anyone else regarding the harm or otherwise caused by the schools resource pack.
The crowdfunder received large numbers of reports because there was a targeted report campaign by trans activists; a well known and accepted tactic they use to silence opposing voices. Not because there was anything inherently wrong with the resource pack.

I really feel for you. What a terrible shock. How to navigate this maze is something I have no idea about but I hope for all your sakes you manage to get through it.

Transgender Trend is run by parents of transgender children who are opposed to them being transgender.

No it isn't.

It is run by parents who prefer to let their trans children figure out for themselves who they are.

It is run by parents who have opted to wait and see as opposed to pumping their child full of life altering drugs.

I realise that the latter point would be seen as been anti trans in some people's eyes but those people are idiots.

The Tavistock and Portman clinic, the U.K.'s leading NHS specialist clinic dealing with Gender dysphoria in children, advocates watchful waiting, as do transgender trend. Mermaids advocate puberty blocking medication for young children with no psychological assessment and cross sex hormones from age 14. Polly Carmichael of the Tavistock has outright said that this is not good practice.

I understoood transgender trend were suspended pending investigation as some people had complained that they were deceitful harmful etc...some people who may have an axe to grind.

I think the best approach is just be supportive and see what happens.

I remember saying the same thing to my mum at that age. She said 'That's OK. It is normal to feel like this and in time, you will feel differently.' And, in time, I did. I think I just thought that men had an advantage in life.

I do worry that people are a bit to quick with the transgender thing nowadays when it comes to kids. I certainly wouldn't be saying OMG you are transgender. Lets get you to the doctors for hormone therapy.

I'd say to her, It is okay to feel how you feel and you can express it how you want but you are a girl and these feelings will most likely pass.

If they don't pass and she wants to look into it when she is 18, fine but I wouldn't even be putting forward as an option become a boy at her age.

At 14, I think you need time to discover how you really feel even if you say you feel a certain way. I said at 14 that I wanted to be a boy but I also said I want to kill my sister. It turned out neither was true.

Big vote for getting lots of talking therapy here. It seems best to really explore the ideas and feelings before reaching for medical intervention.

The two young women I've known go through this over the last five years have decided on being lesbian women as adults, though I concede two is not necessarily a big enough sample to be depended on.

💐

People are not being transphobic, they are concerned parents, anxious, worried sick that their children are making huge , life changing decisions which may end up being the wrong decision and if there is no going back on that decision then how is that child's life improved? If my son has gender reassignment and regrets it then how will he function better being a man with no penis? And what about the hormones? There seems to be little proper investigation into how many regret their decision, perhaps a bit of caution would not be amiss.OP, I hope everything works out well for you and your child.

Honestly other than reproduction there no need for boys stuff or girls stuff.

She can wear jeans and t shirts and work in mechanics and still be female if that's the part she's suffering with. I have a friend from school who is a mechanic and wears boots and baggy jeans etc. She's amazing and still happy to be a girl - just without stereotypes interests.

If she despises her genitals I can understand more and counselling is definitely in order to explore.

I feel for you OP. I know two people a guy who sees himself as a girl (but not had surgery or hormones yet) and a lady who is now a trans man. I think with them they knew very early on 10 ish - that they wanted to be the opposite gender.

I think it is a valid feeling when it's your genitalia or hormonal reaction that is what you dislike. But it's very dangerous to go down the route of transition if you just feel more male or female personality - because that's not really a thing.

Therapy is a great place to start. Also they are going to do this with or without you. Just be there like you are already doing and maybe you could talk to someone too, I've heard that it's as hard for parents as the child. Group therapy with you and your child might help. Talking to other mums who have gone through the same might be a good idea too.

The OP's DD needs love, support and guidance.

She needs someone to listen to her and for people to tell her that she is beautiful the way she is and she doesn't need to be someone else in order to be accepted.

She need a therapist who has experience in dealing with gender issues who will listen to her and let her come to her own conclusion.

She needs time and space in order to figure out if this is what she really wants.

In the mean time however if being known as a 'he' and being out socially as trans is what helps get her through this then so be it. The OP should support him/her in that. Chances are she'll grow out of it and come to accept herself as female, just like the majority of teenagers with gender dysphoria do.

If she doesn't grow out of it and wants to go ahead with the physical transition then support her in that. But any decisions made regarding physical transitions should only be made when she's an adult and has had a chance to mature and figure things out. It certainly should not be made when she's still 14 years old and quite frankly the posters suggesting she should start physically transitioning ASAP are bloody irresponsible.

Do you not realise how effed up it is to suggest that to a CHILD who is more than likely not going to identify as trans in a few years time?

Oh and the NHS recommends a wait and see approach, similar to that of Transgender Trend.

Are the NHS uniformed bigoted transphobes too?

Just thinking of you. You’ve had a lot of very good advice. And then the odd person, who is denying only 10-20% of selfiding trans people continue to live as the opposite sex long term.

Can you not just go all 'That's nice dear, what do you want for supper?'

DD is14, boy 4

'I doubt any child wanting this is doing it because it's cool'

You make it sound like young teenagers are aware of all the consequences of taking this stance, making a conscious choice to take medication that will make them sterile, cause them osteoporosis and generally significantly shorten their lifespan.

'I doubt any child wanting this is doing it because it's cool'

I think the complete opposite. I think loads of them are.

I can feel a tiny bit of transphobia on this thread.

It is utterly horrific that there is an attempt to silence people who are supporting a woman wanting to do the best for her child by stigmatising them as phobic when what they are counselling, is the most humane, compassionate, safe approach of "wait and see". rather than a headlong rush to a course of action which a child may deeply regret.

I can feel a tiny bit of transphobia on this thread.

I can feel it too. If the OPs daughter had come out as gay I doubt there would be advice to direct her to the 'lesbian trend' website and dismiss her feelings as a fad.