AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

It's not saying you don't believe her, it's saying you completely accept that is how she feels now but no need to rush into anything. She has the whole rest of her life to negotiate all these feelings and settle into something that makes her most comfortable.

There is no need to immediately put a label on her feelings; lots of people think gender is fluid and in any case her body and brain are going through lots of changes at the moment. Give it time. See how she feels in a few years time.

they don't have any complications afterwords they used to use them on kids that hit puberty to early jeez

Ha ha ha! Talk about uninformed. They are hugely dangerous drugs. Hell the manufacturer has specifically stated they are NOT to be used to block puberty!

No ability to have a sex live as an adult is a pretty massive complication wouldn't you say?

LaceyStace I have reported your posts.

It’s completely unethical, manipulative, unevidenced, irresponsible bullshit that you are posting. You don’t know the situation and you are encouraging a family and a child to move towards making a very serious active change purely on the basis of your evident political views.

There is absolutely zero ‘transphobia’ on this thread.

Cheesencheetos - educate yourself:

www.nwhn.org/lupron-what-does-it-do-to-womens-health/
www.statnews.com/2017/02/02/lupron-puberty-children-health-problems/
www.lupronvictimshub.com/

It will most likely be easier to go through the transition now during puberty. If your DS (or DD whatever makes you comfortable). Has always been a tomboy than things won't really Change that much. It's time for you to put him first he needs as much support from you as possible as he's in such a vulnerable position right now.

Don't DO that! SHE is not HE, not yet. And SHE is not here to read your Right On Pronouns. HER devastated mother is here asking for support. If the "transition" goes ahead, there will be more than enough time for HER mother to get used to new pronouns for her child.

There's always one, often more than one, on these threads who march straight on virtue signalling by using the NEW pronoun, totally ignoring the fear and pain of the OP who is asking for support. Infuriating!

Cross-posted. I've checked the facts. Have you?

Support him. I can’t imagine it was an easy thing to say. Give him time to work it out for himself. Strongly advise he wears a proper binder and not bandages which could severely damage his body. Good luck

One of my closest friends is trans, FtM. You would never be able to tell in a million years. He's a bearded guy. Anyway, he credits binders with saving his life. I know they have health risks but if someone is feeling suicidal then maybe the risks are outweighed. You sound like an amazing mum and I'm really sorry purely because I can understand how difficult all of this could be. My friend is now at a place where he is happy - he spent all of high school, sixth form, university and after unhappy because of trying to stay as a woman. He is one of the most loveable, caring, kind people you could ever hope to meet and I just want to say there is hope and people come through the other side. Good luck xx

Be careful with doctors/therapists. A lot of doctors don't know much about it and some therapists might make things worse in putting words in her mouth. I'd talk to her openly about body dysmorphia, puberty, sexually and depression. But I'd be considered. At fourteen it's really young to understand sex, and your body and the way it works.

It's really hard to advice because we don't know your dd and her reasons behind it other than she's a tomboy. How has she explained her feelings? Is she anxious in other areas or lonely?

My son told me a few years ago that he was a woman, he has been attending the gender clinic for some time but otherwise looks exactly the same and does nothing remotely female/feminine. I find it all very worrying, and don't understand where it has come from. I can get no sense out of him/her. I feel so worried that they will live to regret taking hormones etc. I feel for you and the anxiety you are probably feeling.

cheesencheetos I think she's already gone through puberty. It's probably too late for to use blockers.

Stay well away from Mermaids, they will take you down the surgery route. Look up Transgender Trend, they will support while taking a watch and wait approach. Good luck.

P. S I was a tomboy when young, I'm still a jeans and t shirt woman, but I am a woman, not a closet trans.

The best thing I ever did for my child was to find a counsellor who was gay and the same sex as my child.

I had to pay privately but it was more than worth it.

After years of this being an issue for us my child is slowly coming to terms with their biology.

It has been a long and difficult road but we managed to avoid blockers and anything permanent thankfully, it's been close sometimes when my child has been distressed but we are almost through it now.

All you can do is be there for your child and try to prevent anything permanent and limit what they can see on the internet.

it's a tough road but there's plenty of support out there (I got loads of support from the feminist board on here)

I was a tomboy, short hair, jeans and tshirt/hoodie, no makeup etc. I still am.
I detested going through puberty, growing boobs and starting periods were very distressing and it all felt very unwelcome and alien.
I am 100% certain that if I was 14/15 now I would believe I was/should be a boy.
I am so pleased I was a child in a time where variety was welcomed and there was no internet!
By the time I was twenty I had grown out of the disconnected feeling about my body, and was more comfortable with who I was. I am now in my forties, still have short hair, wear no makeup etc, I have children, all of whom I was able to choose to breastfeed (something that was very important to me, but as a teenager the very idea of that would have added to the overall feeling of yuck about being female!).
I would watch and wait. It's very likely that she will grow out of this (I think figures are in the region of 80-90% who desist).
I would also take suicide figures with a large pinch of salt, as the methodology behind them is dubious to say the least, plus I'm sure that the recent glamourising of suicide + affirmation at all costs is not helping with the current trend.
Have a look at Lily Maynard on Twitter or find her blog, she has a dd who said she was trans and desisted a year or so later, it may be helpful to find out how it was handled.
As much as your dd might feel different, or not like a girl, she must understand that whatever path she goes down, transitioning will not make her male, and could lead to life long health problems (obviously with the wait and see strategy, she will,be able to make her own informed choice as an adult).

OP you may want to look at the facts around suicide risks since unfortunately someone has already tried to insinuate about that.
www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/
^^ Their findings were confirmed by the UK Independent Factchecking charity Fullfact.

Come and post here We will all help and support you.

Agree with those saying to keep it low key and that it might be a phase. Its definitely a trend at the moment, particularly with girls around that age. It seems like they feel like they don't quite fit in with the crowd and see it as something that could give them a 'reason', and its seen as cool at the moment.
Source - I'm secondary school teacher and this is most definitely a thing for teens at the moment. For every child that actually, genuinely is transgender, there's another 20 who are trying it out for whatever reason.
Also agree that it seems to be seen by teens as a solution to being a 'tomboy'.

I was a tomboy when I was young, never wore makeup (still don't) never wore skirts or heels (still don't). Definitely not trans tho. Most definitely female. Just not a 'girly' one.

A fair amount of the girls who decide they are trans at school are the ones who were tomboys, who didn't fit in with the girly/hair/makeup crew and seem to think that being a boy is the answer, rather than struggling to fit in as a girl.

Another vote for transgender trend being excellent. I’d really caution against a binder though.

Reassure your child that you love her and will always be there to support, but that doesn’t mean you’ll sanction harmful practices.

I would also investigate her internet history.