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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 20:15

YANBU. What does your DP think now?

Sirzy · 04/06/2018 20:15

Well stopping her being bridesmaid is hardly going to help relations is it....

What is her dad’s take on things?

Snausage · 04/06/2018 20:19

She's 14, so she knows about actions and consequences. You don't behave nastily to someone and expect them to do nice things for you. If I were you I'd get your husband-to-be to tell her that she's no longer a bridesmaid, and tell her exactly why.

QueenB14 · 04/06/2018 20:19

I would get her dad to have a quiet word then maybe depending on her response give her another chance to be bm.

Sounds like she gets some weird twisted approval/encouragement at home to slag you off. Must be hard to be stuck in the middle. It is her dms fault, I would not have my DD being disrespectful about her SM like that, whether I liked her or not

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:20

Her dad thinks her behaviour recently has been very poor and has told her so. He would prefer I didn't rock the boat and allowed her to be bridesmaid though.

OP posts:
MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 04/06/2018 20:21

I understand

BUT

This would only seek to further damage your relationship with her

You do realise she's probably only bad mouthing you because she thinks that's what her mother wants to hear ?

I realise you love her Dad but she comes with the package and if you don't embrace her you'll force a pattern where he feels he has to choose between you. This will affect your marriage in the long term

To quote Michelle Obama "when they go low we go high "

"DSD has been bad mouthing you"

Little laugh "well I'm a grown up I'm not going to let that bother me"

If she/they think it's getting to you, the more it will continue

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 20:21

I do understand why you don't want her to but it would be a massive statement to just 'dump' her as bridesmaid after saying she could be. I would have a full and frank conversation with her explaining that the role of bridesmaid is an attendant to you and that you have been upset by things she has been saying and feel like she doesn't really want to be your bridesmaid. Explain that her actions have hurt your feelings and this is a really important day for you and you are uncomfortable having a bridesmaid who you don't think really likes you. Then perhaps suggest you do something together just the two of you to try and get to know each other better.

If she doesn't respond positively to any of this then I would suggest she would be better off with a different role, perhaps doing a reading or something.

Thats what I would do anyway but whatever you decide please speak to your DP first.

Don't trust what the mother has said or posted in here that will just be her take in it not necessarily her daughters..

Kolo · 04/06/2018 20:21

Honestly, I’d talk to the DSD. I imagine that you’re an easty target for a hurt and hormonal teenager, dealing with her parents split, whether you’ve done anything wrong or not. I’d ask her calmly about what you’ve heard. She might be completely horrified and ashamed you’ve learned of what she’s said.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 04/06/2018 20:21

You can’t tell her she’s now not going to be a bridesmaid without causing serious bad feeling. Is that what you want? Blended families are tricky at the best of times. You may not like it but she can say what she likes about you to her mum. She’s a teenager and she’s probably just venting. It’s not easy to see you dad build a life with someone else - even if your parents have been divorced for some time. Have some empathy.

You are the grownup here. Act like it.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2018 20:23

I would probably have us both in the conversation to say it’s not appropriate for you to be a bridesmaid when you don’t like the bride and are clearly showing it. You can both add something supportive about you’re my /dhs daughter , making the family work, but we couldn’t possibly make you walk up the aisle with op if you feel that way about this. Make it sound a little bit like the reason is being caring of her feelings to help her not kick off.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/06/2018 20:23

shes a child. regardless of you being the OW or not, it is hard for kids, especiall teens to get used to the whole step parent thing. ok, she was rude about you, but you are the adult. be the bigger person and rise above it.

DevilsDoorbell · 04/06/2018 20:23

Have you asked her if she still wants to be bridesmaid? Or would she prefer a role to help her dad?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/06/2018 20:23

Call her out on her hypocrisy. Dsd why do you want to be a part of the wedding party when you obviously won't be wishing us well?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 04/06/2018 20:23

Can she still be bridesmaid but with 'limited duties' so to speak.

SmashedMug · 04/06/2018 20:24

I feel sorry for the 14 year old. It's not unusual for a stepchild to slag off the stepmum to mum as a way of trying to earn points with Mum especially if Mum is one of those insecure types who needs the reassurance that her child could never have feelings for another female role model. If Mum is the type for making sly digs at/about you, the daughter could easily feel like she has to join in. It's not like she will be able to sit there and defend you if her mum is one of those types.

I'd carry on as planned and remember a 14 year old is still a child.

tallulahwullah · 04/06/2018 20:25

Make her bridesmaid & kill her with kindness- tha tactic will confuse them all & DP will (hopefully if he's a keeper sort her & her mother at some point!!)

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 20:25

Agree with @Snausage Sounds like she's testing you, and her dad, to see what she can get away with.

Also a bit risky to the smooth running of your wedding to have someone in the bridal party who, whether off her own back or by encouragement from her Mum, enjoys slagging you off, making you feel shit and throwing her weight around.

If she was 4 I'd say give her a chance and try to use it as a bonding experience, but she's 14 and old enough to know how to play nice or use it as a way of hurting you and making life difficult.

What's on the table is her being YOUR bridesmaid, if your DP wants her "in" the wedding, he can have her stand/walk/whatever with him, she's his child and the risk she'll kick off is then his, not yours.

Plumsofwrath · 04/06/2018 20:25

Well, her mum will probably read this thread and tell her DD you don’t want her as a bridesmaid - and that will be that.

What a way to deal with family conflict!

GreenTulips · 04/06/2018 20:26

I have a 14 year old and they tend to be a bit gobby and annoying.

Let her be a bridesmaid for the photos and nice dress - she can get ready with her dad and meet you outside so no duties required.

StepBackNow · 04/06/2018 20:26

I wouldn't have her. I'd be afraid she'd start attention seeking on the day.

EC22 · 04/06/2018 20:26

You can’t sack your 14 year old step daughter as your bridesmaid!
You’re the adult. She’s 14. She just turns up in a pretty dress, that’s really all there is to it. For the sake of everyone you just got to be the bigger person.

chestylarue52 · 04/06/2018 20:30

You want to exclude a child from your wedding party because of hearsay on Mumsnet?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 20:30

You do realise she's probably only bad mouthing you because she thinks that's what her mother wants to hear?

And if Mum tells DSD to try and ruin OP's wedding day?

It's not unusual for a stepchild to slag off the stepmum to mum as a way of trying to earn points with Mum

Having been a stepchild at 14, been my SM's bridesmaid, and now being a SM myself, I don't think that's fair at all. My DM never said a bad word about my SM and if I'd felt negatively enough to slag my SM off I wouldn't have wanted any part of their wedding, never mind in it.

helpmum2003 · 04/06/2018 20:30

Stop posting if ex knows your user name!

grimereaper · 04/06/2018 20:32

She's a child. You're an adult.

For whatever reason she has issues with you.

You'd be incredibly childish to punish her for those issues by telling her she can't be a bridesmaid and this post is cleverly designed for her mum to see... very childish as it could have been utterly irrelevant to the issue at hand and missed off or you could have changed your username for the post

No need to condone bad behaviour but surely being a bridesmaid is not a reward for good behaviour and simply including her in your commitment to her father?

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