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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:55

Yes I remember being a teenager with a step mum! In the days before social media life was simpler.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 04/06/2018 20:55

adult

Mayhemmumma · 04/06/2018 20:57

Oh god OP you're the grown up. Yes yabu. Get a grip, this girl will be forever in your life. Mean or otherwise and presumably it's your DH wedding too?

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:57

Thanks for all your messages. A mixture of opinion. At least I'm not evil for thinking it! Was a sanity check more than anything.

OP posts:
jade9390 · 04/06/2018 20:59

She is a child and will still behave like the role models around her, so knows no better. I feel sorry for her. You are complaining about others posting on here to get to you and are doing the same. Whatever has happened, you have to let her be a bridesmaid now, you cannot take it back. If you do, there could be no relationship with this girl or a lifetime of resentment towards you and in everyone else's eyes, you will be the baddie for denying a child.

Lalliella · 04/06/2018 20:59

Link her thread OP! Oops sorry I’m being just as childish now.

You can’t bin her off as bridesmaid, that’s a terrible message. You should do what fruitcorner said. Also, who never ever bad mouths anyone ever behind their backs? I’m sure we’re all guilty of saying things we wouldn’t necessarily say to someone’s face. Get real and grow up OP.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2018 20:59

What Hallow said. But then, I don't get having a big wedding with bridesmaids and such for second time around.

Buxbaum · 04/06/2018 20:59

I would keep her in the wedding party but as a supporter for her dad.

Is there any reason why she couldn't be an usher / groomswoman?

theforceisstrong · 04/06/2018 21:00

YABU she is a child she is also the daughter of the groom she should be part of the wedding. Kids of that age can be a real pain but you need to be the bigger person. Maybe try to get her more involved it might build a bond

expatinscotland · 04/06/2018 21:02

I was on the thread about the woman who gatecrashed her brother's engagement and got told off for thinking it wasn't on for her boyfriend's teenage daughter to have mocked the brother's girlfriend at home because 'she's just a child' but apparently some think it's okay for this girl to be dumped as bridesmaid for the same thing.

Honestly, just elope.

I've been married twice, first one wasn't even a big wedding, either, but DH and I eloped (he'd never been married before but didn't care about weddings).

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 21:03

expatinscotland. it might be the OP's first but even if not I think that's unfair. People can get married how they like surely?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/06/2018 21:06

I agree with Fruitcorner’s advice.

She thinks she is being a bridesmaid at her dad’s wedding. She hasn’t computed that it’s yours too.

Barbie222 · 04/06/2018 21:06

Have you someone else who you have as your key bridesmaid? She can just keep on thinking she's a bridesmaid when really she's just there in a pretty dress outside the circle of trust?

Inertia · 04/06/2018 21:07

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but sacking her off as a bridesmaid would cause enormous bad feeling that will linger forever.

As the adult, you do need to rise above it.

Do you have a suitable friend or relative who could act as chaperone (for want of a better word) to DSD while you all get ready?

DarthArts · 04/06/2018 21:07

Sorry, but I can't help feeling that communication on this issue via MN isn't the best way to go about things....

The Ex may not know your username but it's hardly going to take much to figure it out.

Frankly I think you should be thinking long and hard about a marriage to a man whose child you clearly have issues with (and vice versa).

She's not going anywhere....so if the issue of being a bridesmaid for one day is something you can't countenance then I'd say in all honesty you are being premature in marrying.

I'd don't know the "story" of the Ex and I'll take your word you've tried to engage with future DSD.

The truth is being a SM can be fucking hard.

If your already proposing tit for tat behaviour then I doubt you'll survive the long haul.

She's a child hitting puberty and it's a tough age. Her DM may be a factor but it's also likely she's acting up because she's a typical teen whose challenging parental/adult authority and you're an easy target.

She should absolutely be a bridesmaid. If you say no, that's the relationship FUBAR'd by you. You say yes and there's a chance you might have a common goal to build a relationship from - though if her DM reads this you might be fucked either way...

Remind yourself whose the adult here. Start acting like it.

I'm a SM btw and I don't suggest you have to roll over at every opportunity, but frankly I worry about your perspective on this issue and the longer term implications.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 04/06/2018 21:13

Ooh, be careful. I’ve been in your position and it made me so, so miserable in the end. Even though DH backed me (dsd was a real nightmare- no matter what I did/tried) it felt wrong and she disappeared from our lives for 5 years. Now, thinks are “do-able” and I make a big effort with her. Dh’s other 2 kids were fine but one was so dreadful, I nearly left him.

I agree with whoever said “kill her with kindness”.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/06/2018 21:14

She's doesn't have a choice though does she OP as her dad is still getting married to a woman that would exclude his child as bridesmaid at his own wedding. Her being unhappy is being ignored as the adults wants are coming first.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/06/2018 21:14

I'd guess teenage hormones that normally make teenagers confused and hurt may be the bulk of the cause. Honestly, I'd keep her as BM but take her for a cake and a chat where you explain that you are aware she's talking about you, and that obviously it's ok to not like everyone. But that since her feelings are so obvious, she won't be invited to everything bridesmaid related. But that you would like to do something just for you and her.
The wedding isn't the place to make a stand, there's too much emotion and if in 10 years time, she's planning hers, you don't want her throwing it in her dad's face or any step siblings.
Show her that you're aware, that you don't mind her venting but that her actions have meant she's not getting a free pass. Use it as a chance to show her that you are willing to work to be civil and another way of how adults handle things.
Tbh, she may bluster past it, but will probably be mortified that you're aware.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 21:14

Barbie222 really she's just there in a pretty dress outside the circle of trust?
I didn't know the OP was marrying Gaylord Focker!!!

Really though if there actually is a "circle of trust" then even secretly considering the step daughter to be outside of it is going to be very harmful to their relationship. The OP should be working on her relationship with DSD she is the child.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/06/2018 21:17

Why not request a sit down with the mum, you and partner and emphasise the benefits to her child of being united modern family and healthy relationships and get some ground rules, such never being negative about each other and not allowing SD to be rude, then have a meeting with all parents and child to set ground rules as a United front.

Elspeth12345 · 04/06/2018 21:19

You are an adult and she is a child so yes you are being unreasonable to ban her.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel unhappy about the situation though and maybe you could speak to her about it (calmly and kindly).

BanginChoons · 04/06/2018 21:20

If you do "demote" her, she is going to feel rejected by you, and that is likely to have a permanent effect on your relationship. She will never forget that.

You are the grown up here. You need to act like you are, and rise above it.

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 21:21

@Boxsets - how dare her father be happy again, how bloody dare he, when he has her to keep happy for her entire life, there can never be room for his needs to be met.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 04/06/2018 21:22

expatinscotland I agree with you on that other post. I would have had serious words for her mocking too.

Here I think it's weighing things up, I had a step dad at 12, and I wasn't nice until about 15. Even though my parents split when I was 7, it still felt wrong to me, and he was taking my dad's place (even though my parents were toxic together and it led to a horrible homelife!). Is she only saying what her mum wants to here?

rosesandflowers · 04/06/2018 21:25

She's 14. Old enough to understand her actions have consequences, but still at an age where this kind of immature behaviour is more understandable IMO. With an adult I'd say cut her out of the bridesmaid position; with a teenager adjusting to a new mother I'd say let her.

It sounds like her mother encourages it, which sounds a very manipulative relationship to me. In any case her mum will probably try and paint you as the "bad guy"; I don't think you'll help yourself by adding to the image of The Wicked Stepmother.

I'd let her be a bridesmaid and just be kind and understanding. Maybe drop a hint, offhandedly, that you know about the comments. Just be as nice as you can. The more understanding you are to her, the less easy it becomes to hate you and the less easy it becomes for her mother to manipulate.