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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:
Howdydoodyfolks · 07/06/2018 19:58

SilverDoe - you have confused me. How can you be a BRIDESmaid unless it is for the bride? Surely that would be a Groomsmaid... which I have never heard of. Sorry if Im being thick lol (quite likely Grin), just dont understand your post.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 07/06/2018 20:09

SM to a now grown up DSD here. In your situation my action would be not to do ‘girly’ days until she actually wants your company. I would sit her down and say very calmly ‘I’m very disappointed to hear you have been bitchy about me behind my back. I would like you to be my bridesmaid because you are important to me, and I am making a big commitment to you and your dad at this wedding. I hope one day we will be able to get along well, but until then let’s start with just trying to be polite to one another.’
And then leave it there, stay calm, don’t shout etc. It will stick somewhere (and one day you may get an abject apology like I did when DSD grew up and realised how awful she had been at times.)

agnurse · 07/06/2018 20:54

In this day and age, it's very common that people will have aysmmetrical or "mixed" wedding parties. (I had one bridesmaid plus a maid of honour and my husband had two groomsmen, plus a best man. His sister was to be a bridesmaid but she couldn't attend the wedding, so we named her in the program as an "honorary bridesmaid". My cousin's wife had her brother as one of her attendants; they called him a "stand-in bridesmaid". My DSD's mom had her brother as her "man of honour" at her wedding to DSD's stepdad.) I, too, don't see why she couldn't be his attendant.

avado · 08/06/2018 00:59

I’d let her be a bridesmaid. Then I’d pick out a really special poofy sleeved puke green dress...

duskymauve · 08/06/2018 02:28

@avado Wow, I’m glad you’re not my stepmum.

SilverDoe · 08/06/2018 07:11

HowdyDoody I would have thought one could put staunch archaic tradition aside to allow the girl to be in her dads wedding party; I simply meant as the DSD was asking to be her dad’s “bridesmaid”, she clearly meant she wanted to wear a nice dress to the wedding and be in her dad’s close wedding party. For the OP to dive on this, say oh because you are female you must automatically be my bridesmaid, and by doing so make the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable for both of them is just silly.

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 08/06/2018 08:18

She asked to be bridesmaid. She was asked if she wanted to spend the night before with her dad and his attendants or with me and my family, she chose, much to my surprise to be with me! Terrible stepmother that I am. This is before it came to light that she "hates" me (her words). I'm really not sure what to think. She was not under any pressure to choose, it was done very light heartedly and in a fun way.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/06/2018 09:35

I think stopping her being a bridesmaid would be mean. I think moan to your message mum is normal. I moan about my sister to DH. She would not probably like what I said if it got back to her. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her but sometimes you need to get petty annoyances off your chest. I also moan about my boss but I generally respect her but again a moan is the best to move forward.

SilverDoe · 08/06/2018 16:44

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering

Did you right that? Because obviously that sends a different message to what you’re saying now. The sarcasm is sooo appealing by the way Hmm

Meh. Good luck with your wedding. Hope your DSD is okay.

SilverDoe · 08/06/2018 16:45

Oops, I mean write* obviously!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/06/2018 17:24

Honestly, I'm beginning to think it's all down to her mother trying to stir up shit between you and DP and/or DSD.

She KNOWS you will see her threads. Think about It! What better way to cause problems.

Just ignore it. Have DSD as a bridesmaid. Otherwise you're going to have a real shit storm on your hands

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 09/06/2018 23:53

What will you do, OP?

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 10/06/2018 08:41

I don't really have a choice. It will cause too much upset to not have her so I'll just have to go through with it. We'll have a wonderful day and hopefully that will shine through the photos and her nasty mum will see that.

OP posts:
WatermelonGlitter · 10/06/2018 08:47

I think the worst thing you could do would be to stop her being your bridesmaid. It will only reinforce her current opinion of you, and likely cause some bad feeling between you and her dad. It won't look good to outsiders either, however unfairly since they won't know the full context. I think in this case you need to put your feelings aside and be the bigger person, if you don't want it to be an issue that is dragged up for years to come.

hettie · 10/06/2018 08:52

sligtlys advice up page is spot in. Talk to her! Say you've heard some things, but you wanted to check with her because if they were correct it would be really unpleasant, ask her what she thinks?

Loandbeholdagain · 10/06/2018 08:54

Ywbvu! Her dad is getting married.
14 is a hard age but but you are the grown up. This isn’t just your wedding, you are changing the whole family dynamics. You can’t just ignore that.

puglife15 · 10/06/2018 09:10

Any good parent knows that love for a child should be unconditional. Maybe that's the point people are trying to make.

This is such a big day it would be hugely spiteful to cut her out.

Harder for a step parent of course to love their step children unconditionally but it sounds like you don't even like her.

ChocolateDoll · 10/06/2018 09:19

Obviously you keep her as a bridesmaid!

I can’t believe this is even a question!

Original poster
Laybyloitering · 10/06/2018 11:23

No wonder children and teenagers are so badly behaved with attitudes like this. Whilst sacking her as bridesmaid is a bit harsh, her behaviour has been pretty terrible and there's so much mamby pamby advice here, ignoring what she's actually done.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/06/2018 11:34

Stop, rewind a bit! You've had, and given, a bit of a bashing here. But you do have a few choices.

Take her out for a coffee, drag her if necessary. Have an adult discussion with her. Tell her straight that you have heard a few things that she has said and you are hurt BUT you appreciate that she may be a bit confused by the wedding, a bit emotional.

Tell her plainly that you want her to be your bridesmaid, that her dad would love her to be your bridesmaid and that you will pretend you have not heard a single thing she has said because you understand that she has very right to be confused and even angry with the changes happening in her life.

Treat her like an adult, let her work her way through it and, most of all, remember how confusing your own teens were at times, how left out and misunderstood you felt sometimes. Basically, be the adult and give an upset / torn teen some wriggle room.

Namechangedname · 10/06/2018 11:44

I know she is 14 but it sounds like her mum causing this drama. Your DP's ex is spitting venom through her daughter.

I actually feel sorry the girl. All said and done, she's a child.

Be the bigger person. By largely ignoring their negativity. I think the more you play into it, the more they've 'won'.

The fact that your DP's ex has written something on here; knowing you would see it, tells you all you need to know.

'Let' her be bridesmaid, kill her with kindness and give no fucks towards the jealous ex, who seems to be using her daughter as a mouthpiece, imo.

This is your day. Don't let them ruin it!

Lizzie48 · 10/06/2018 12:08

I'm not surprised your DSD doesn't like you, you're spitting venom towards her. Why is it a surprise that she's bad mouthing you to her DM, she's hardly going to be singing your praises, is she?

My DSis has a blended family, her DH had a 10 year old DS from his previous marriage. They now have 3 DC together. DSis was her DSS's primary carer for a long time. He used to play her and his DM against each other and I'm sure he must have bad mouthed her at times. But they both got wise to it and in the end cooperated well together.

In other words, they behaved like grown-ups. The DSS was being a stroppy teenager and they were able to make it work. And DSis's DH had her back, too, which helped.

The other thing that made it work was that the adults didn't bad mouth each other to him.

Moussemoose · 10/06/2018 12:12

You think some advice is 'namby pamby'.

Ask yourself when you were 14, if you were publicly humiliated - banned from being a bridesmaid - and then shouted at and punished would it have made you behave?

If shouting worked we would all behave.

EssentialHummus · 10/06/2018 12:58

I think whatever you do it needs to be a united front with you and her dad (and in an ideal world her mum). Possibly an apology from her before she’s allowed to carry on as a BM, because what she said about you was very hurtful.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2018 15:02

At this point you don't even know if she said those things. All you know is that her mother SAYS she did!

If I was going to speak to anyone it would be to the ex and ask her if it was true. Or rather, I'd have DP ask her if it was true. If that's not possible, I'd show the thread to DSD (or maybe just her mother's OP) and ask DSD if she really said what it says she did..

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