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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:

LavenderDoll · 04/06/2018 20:32

Yanbu to think you don't want her however you would be very Unreasonable to sack her as bridesmaid
You are marrying her dad
She's a child
You are an adult
If you sack her it will impact on future relationship

Original poster

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:32

Ex doesn't know mine. I know hers and she knows I know.

OP posts:

FeralBeryl · 04/06/2018 20:32

If you've not changed your username for this thread, you're as bad as them both put together. What do you think will happen now? Her mum will tell her, or worse show her the thread title and things will go even further downhill.
She's 14, yes she is old enough to be aware of her actions, but 14 is 14. I was an arsehole at 14 and genuinely wouldn't have realised the true impact of my actions.
As someone else has said, rise above it all. Make use of the block user function and don't torture yourself reading her mum's posts. She's entitled to post on here about her own family issues too.
I accept it's your wedding day, but this is a package, not an optional extra. You have to keep on keeping on

mnistooaddictive · 04/06/2018 20:33

The important thing here is that it is her dads wedding. Leaving her out of it will be mean. It’s not about you, she needs to be loved and valued for who she is.

grimereaper · 04/06/2018 20:33

How unidentifiable do you think you are then?

Pretty clear if she reads this post exactly who she is. And now exactly who you are

MoonFacesMum · 04/06/2018 20:34

I really think you should talk to her. Calmly have an adult conversation with her, say that you get the feeling she might not like you very much just now and ask if there’s anything that can be done to fix that. Then tell her you’re about to become family and you want her to be your bridesmaid but only if she actually wants to do it, there shouldn’t be bad feeling between a bride and her bridesmaids. Be as kind, as open and as unflappable as you can. I think she will probably be a bit floored by you being direct with her and she won’t really be able to come up with any good reason for her attitude and hopefully this will make her reconsider her behaviour.

I think it would be very unwise from a long term standpoint to stop her from being your bridesmaid. You are marrying her father and really his ultimate loyalty should lie with his offspring. If you effectively sack her, you will play into ex’s portrait of you as the evil stepmother. I think, for anyone, it would be really embarrassing to be demoted in this way, and you will be giving DSD a stick to beat you with in the future.

Original poster

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:38

I have changed my user name for the thread and changed a few of the facts that don't alter the post but do go some way to making it unidentifiable.

OP posts:

MadMags · 04/06/2018 20:38

When she posted on here about it, what was her take on the issue?

Skarossinkplunger · 04/06/2018 20:39

I wouldn’t have her as bridesmaid. She’s old enough to know that what she’s doing is wrong. As a bridesmaid she’ll be spending a good proportion of the day with you, getting ready etc, that’s a lot of time to be dealing with a stroppy teenager on what is already a fairly stressful day.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/06/2018 20:41

I would grit my teeth and keep her as bridesmaid.

Doing otherwise would be a massive win for her troublemaking mother, and I don't think there would be any coming back from it in terms of your relationship with SD. She is only 14, wants to be loyal to her mother...as time goes on you may yet forge a good relationship.

SmashedMug · 04/06/2018 20:43

Anne, you seem to have missed the rest of my post where I elaborated. My post was fair but obviously won't apply to every single child that ever existed 😂

MyNameIsNotSteven · 04/06/2018 20:43

I wouldn't have her as my bridesmaid and I would seriously reconsider the marriage of between them your husband to be and his ex are so dysfunctional that they can't co-parent. Sounds like hell. He would have to be exceptionally special to put up with that shit for.

grimereaper · 04/06/2018 20:44

So any woman out there with a teenage daughter who's asked to be a bridesmaid at her stepmothers wedding... and also badmouthing her and the mum is on mumsnet and knows the stepmom is too...

I personally think that still narrows it down to fairly identifiable

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 20:44

I agree with MoonFacesMum. Excellent post. Please be the adult. Her mother doesn’t sound very nice. I had a not very nice mum. Being kind to her and treating her respectfully may still save the relationship. Perhaps buy a parenting book. 10 things girls need most is a really good book. Maybe someone on here could suggest something especially for step parenting.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 20:46

I wouldn't marry someone if I didn't get along with their children. I couldn't be bothered with all that hassle.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/06/2018 20:47

Her dad thinks she being rude but doesn't have an issue pressing on with a wedding with a daughter who seems to have no relationship with his partner and a partner that would exclude her as a bridesmaid at her own father's wedding?

Poor girl, no wonder she's acting up as the adults do what they want regardless of her.

SoftSheen · 04/06/2018 20:48

YABU. 14 year olds are often awful to their parents, it's a tricky age. Let her be a bridesmaid and try to build bridges- she's going to be an important part of your new family.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/06/2018 20:49

Well you've posted on here so job done. She will now know you don't want her as bridesmaid.

QueenUnicorn · 04/06/2018 20:49

I'd keep her as a bridesmaid. If you are planning to stay with this man for life then it's likely when DSD grows up in a few years you could have a great relationship. Don't ruin that by cutting her off now.

mumprincess12 · 04/06/2018 20:50

Totally unreasonable of you. Your relationship will be ruined for ever. Please grow up.

Original poster

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:50

@Boxsets she has a choice and knows the consequences of being horrible. Poor girl?? Really??

OP posts:

Branleuse · 04/06/2018 20:51

i think elope, and have no family at the wedding. Its less of a bold statement

grimereaper · 04/06/2018 20:53

God OP... don't you remember being a teenager at all?

You however are an adult.

Mishappening · 04/06/2018 20:55

Let it wash by you - she is just a child; caught up in the complexity of aduly relationships. If she will enjoy being bridesmaid, then let her - it could be a happy turning point if handled kindly.

chestylarue52 · 04/06/2018 20:55

I was horrible to my mum as a teenager. And my dad. Pretty much everyone. She’s a child, you’re an adult, act like one.

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