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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/06/2018 22:28

Please stop with the "you don't understand you don't have kids". I was once 14, I knew right from wrong.

It's not the same. She is the child of divorced parents. Your wedding is the final nail in the coffin of her parent's marriage. There is no going back for them (in her eyes. Even if it died 20 years ago) and it probably hurts. And if her mum is manipulating the situation too...

You have to be the bigger person here. And if it doesn't work? You tried.

MrsDylanBlue · 04/06/2018 22:28

Surely you might bond a bit over it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 22:29

I think you’re doing the right thing also in telling her in a kind way that you know. Just keep being nice. Hopefully eventually she will rebel against her mother.

MrsDilber · 04/06/2018 22:30

I don't know why exes do this, it's spiteful and doesn't help their own children. His ex should feel ashamed of herself for poisoning her daughter against you.

However, I would let her be bridesmaid. DH should open his mouth and tell her to stop the nasty behaviour too.

WhiteCat1704 · 04/06/2018 22:30

It's your wedding. If she is nasty about you and there is no bond I wouldn't want her as a braidsmaid. Too much risk she will try to ruin it for you. Let her father handle her and suggest appropriate alternative. She is ultimately HIS responsibility..so is ensuring your wedding works out for all of you. Don't take it upon yourself as you will fail. This girl is in a loyality bind, only her father stands a chance of making her behave better towards you.

rainingcatsanddog · 04/06/2018 22:31

I'm a mum of teens.

14 year olds can be nasty and bitchy. Almost everyone can be nasty and bitchy but the target of the bitching usually doesn't find out.

It's hard to say how bad bitching about you is because it could be justified, it could be because lies about a wicked stepmother gets a lot of attention or she's avoiding getting attached to you by pretending you're horrible. She will probably have lots of experience of friendship dramas and may worry that her actions may seem disloyal to her mum. Lots of teens spend a lot of time and effort putting up a front -"I don't care" is literally said at least once a day here so she could be bottling a lot of intense feelings and using being cold to you as a defense mechanism.

Of course it is two-faced to bitch about you and want to be in the wedding party and I understand why you'd want to "sack" her. I wouldn't do it though at it will create future drama and give her ammunition for being even more cold to you. Can she be part of her Dad's party instead?

NapQueen · 04/06/2018 22:31

OP you may well have your own 14yo girl one day. Who you catch out slagging you off to her mates or a relative. Would you then demote her from being bridesmaid?

CantankerousCamel · 04/06/2018 22:32

I would allow her to be bridesmaid. Not for her if you buy for DH

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 22:36

Be the better one here op. If you stop her thats a deep wedge likely never forgotten. Allow her and one day she will cringe at what a cow she was! You will know her for decades do bear that in mind. Get dp to have stern words.

HeedMove · 04/06/2018 22:37

I genuinely wouldn't. Simply because I was jealous of my step mum at 13. By the time we were a couple of years down the line and I was more mature we had a great relationship. You could prevent that from happening though if she is really hurt and angered by this. Yes she's a little bugger and isn't being nice but she's likely a jealous teenager who will grow up and realise the error of her ways.

viques · 04/06/2018 22:37

I wouldn't sit down with a 14 year old and tell her you knew she didn't like you! I don't think you could ever hope to repair the damage to the relationship after that. If you're marrying her dad you are in the relationship for the long term, in twenty years time you can tell her you know she hates you if it is still the case, but that is not the conversation to have as an adult with a hormonal and possibly conflicted child .

She asked to be your bridesmaid, take the relationship from there, tell her how proud you are that she wants to be your bridesmaid and that you and her dad are so pleased that she will be such a special part of the wedding. Maybe if you can afford it take her to the jewellers where you are buying your wedding rings and buy a bracelet or necklace for her to mark the occasion.

Touchmybum · 04/06/2018 22:38

I don't think much of your DF either if he allows you to exclude his daughter from being bridesmaid.

My SIL was an adult, and demanded to be bridesmaid, and I sucked it up for family harmony.

You should try that.

chocatoo · 04/06/2018 22:44

You are the adult and have to be the better person. Suck it up!

Thadeus · 04/06/2018 22:48

Could it be that she is behaving like this so that you will be unhappy with her and stop her from being a bridesmaid? Because you are then the baddie and you validate her feelings towards you?

agnurse · 04/06/2018 22:49

I don't recommend letting her know that you're aware she's been running her mouth. You heard this second hand. You don't know the context. It's also not your place to discipline her, especially if the relationship is so poor. I would suggest not saying anything unless she slags you off to your face. You can't police what she says at her mom's.

categed · 04/06/2018 23:00

Please stop with the "you don't understand you don't have kids". I was once 14, I knew right from wrong. So does she. She has a choice, be nasty or try to be nice.

It's very different being 14 yourself and then as an adult being with 14 year olds. I remember thinking how mature and well behaved i was at 14 but thinking about some stuff i did the reality is emotionally i wasn't mature at all.
Think of the stress people who are getting marroed feel,the excitment, the pressure, the nerves. Now imagine you were going through with no choice, no say, no real understanding of how your life is going yo change after this momentus event. This is your sc reality about this marriage. Beck i can remember crapping it when mynmum dies thinking where would i live what if my dad wanted to completely change everything.
Most people bitch or moan and let off steam. It's a coping mechanism, helps ua to clear our heads and move on. Yes it's not nice to hear about it, but really, most of the time it is meaningless. As a 14 year old girl with hormones etc the world,in your eyes is all about you. If someone looks at you it can mean the world is ending. She has moaned about you, not to her dad but to her mum and maybe some close friends. It doesn't mean she means what she says. It might be her way of dealing with the changes and uncertainties that are her future. She has never had a step mum before so she doesn't know the ropes anymore than you.
Ask yourself what you want with her and be really honest, 14 year olds can read a lie, too desperate, not interested enough or convincing enough she will see it. Do you want a relationship with her or do you want to marry her dad and for her to accept it and chill? If you want a relationship, if you want both step children to eant to spend time with you, if you want you dh2bs new family to respect you and welcome you then speak to her, if you feel you must, but forgive it and let it go. Yes tell yourself forewarned is forearmed but remember this marriage is all all 4 of you not just you and h2b. Bring everyone together and know that 16 will be even worse...😭😭😭
Have a wonderdul wedding and hopefully a great family life. It will take a lot of time and understanding. She, and you are entering the unknown there are no hars and fast rules it's all making it up as you go along.

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/06/2018 23:02

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum.

But it's sort of normal to whinge about people and get things off your chest. We all say things which would be mortifying if the subject were to hear. She's not to know that her mother is breaking her trust by plastering it over the internet. I feel sorry for her.

It's quite normal to complain about people in her lives. It's the mother who's used this info to hurt you, not the daughter.

I urge you not to sack her. Even your DH talking to her about it will mean she won't be able to talk to her mum about irritating things anymore. Just block the mother and pretend it never happened.

MadMags · 04/06/2018 23:13

Why are you avoiding the question about what the mum wrote on here??

GlueSticks · 04/06/2018 23:17

I wouldn't even consider marrying a man who would allow his daughter to be demoted from bridesmaid for having a rant to her mum! Bloody hell, teenagers love a proper rant, and they are usually being completely unreasonable. Holding it against them is really harsh. If you bring it up to her you will further damage your relationship with her - you need to rise above. You are getting married but when you have kids / step kids the day isn't just about you as a couple. She is about the become your family too, and if you can't accept that you really shouldn't be marrying her father.

GlueSticks · 04/06/2018 23:21

FWIW, I'm not a parent but I teach teenagers and I'm considered pretty strict. At 14 (the dreaded year 9) they are going through serious hormonal changes and learning how to control their emotions - particularly anger. The fact that she keeps her (probably unreasonable) frustration to herself in your company is better than over 50% of kids her age I reckon.

PocketFullofMumbles · 04/06/2018 23:29

When I was 14, I was asked to be a bridesmaid by my dad and stepmother to be. Although I was excited, I was also: worried I was losing my dad, potentially to new children as well as a wife, worried about my mum, who made no secret of the fact she didn’t like my stepmother and was unhappy my dad was moving on, worried about being on display with puppy fat at the wedding, worried about my GCSE choices and worried I’d never get a boyfriend. All of these anxieties came out in strops and snarls, because, you know, I was a teenager 😂 I didn’t have anyone I felt I could talk to about it - especially not my mum, who was always my confidant, and only wanted to hear things about the wedding she could sneer at. And yes, I did give her those things, not because I genuinely thought them, but because I didn’t want to see my mum hurting any more and I wanted to reassure her I still loved her.

You can ask your SD to step down, but you become a 14 year old in doing so, rather than an adult. You also risk hurting her and her relationship with her dad irrevocably. Take the high road and be a decent (step) parent; it’s better for the long run.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 04/06/2018 23:32

In your shoes I’d ditch all bridesmaids altogether. You didn’t ask her, she asked her dad and he foisted the idea onto you. I’ve never heard of a groom messing with bridesmaid choices before. If he wants her traipsing behind him in a frock so be it, but at least you won’t have to deal with it on the day.

Quittingthyme · 04/06/2018 23:43

Don't make this into a massive issue.

The damage of not allowing her to be your bridesmaid vs your upset at the bad mouthing is just not worth it.

You are the grown up in this situation, she is a child. Remember that.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/06/2018 00:00

I know this comes from way out in left field, but is there any chance that her mother is trying to stir some type of shit and started the thread knowing you'd read it? She knows you know her MN name so it only stands to reason that she'd know there was a good chance you'd see the thread. Although why she'd throw her DD under the bus is another issue.

jacks11 · 05/06/2018 00:00

agree with pocket here:

When I was 14, I was asked to be a bridesmaid by my dad and stepmother to be. Although I was excited, I was also: worried I was losing my dad, potentially to new children as well as a wife, worried about my mum, who made no secret of the fact she didn’t like my stepmother and was unhappy my dad was moving on, worried about being on display with puppy fat at the wedding, worried about my GCSE choices and worried I’d never get a boyfriend. All of these anxieties came out in strops and snarls, because, you know, I was a teenager 😂 I didn’t have anyone I felt I could talk to about it - especially not my mum, who was always my confidant, and only wanted to hear things about the wedding she could sneer at. And yes, I did give her those things, not because I genuinely thought them, but because I didn’t want to see my mum hurting any more and I wanted to reassure her I still loved her

It is also true that teenagers often moan about/criticise people- it's unfortunate it's got back to you. She has been immature and quite possibly rather unkind. As 14 year old's are want to be- especially when they are being pulled in different directions by the adults in their lives and feeling anxious/vulnerable/insecure. You and her dad have made a choice to be together, but she has had this foisted upon her (and I'm not saying you shouldn't be together or that her father doest have the right to be happy again. Ultimately, this is a complicated situation, with shades of grey not the simple black and white one you portray it as.

I just don't think this is worth being the hill you make your stand on- you are at risk of irrevocably damaging an already difficult relationship with your SD. If you do this, the "consequence" may be that your relationship with your SD may never recover. Not only that but her relationship with her father could also be damaged. Is it really worth that?

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