To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

[Laybyloitering]

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

You can forgive your own kids faults and what they say it’s harder to forgive children that aren’t related to you that’s the point I’m making. I don’t think she did anything wrong tbh she spoke to her dm in confidence it was abuse to your face, it’s no different to you coming on her dicussing her is it really?

It is quite different, I'm anonymously posting to strangers and I haven't been nasty about her.

Shes 14. I bet shes very anti her mum, dad, everything. Let her be a braidesmaid and ruin relationship if not but remember shes a child who thinks shes an adult

Sit down and be straight with her. Say you know she doesn’t like you, you’ve tried and failed. Say whether she likes it or not, you’re now a permanent part of her life and she can’t change that. Say you WANT to get on well with her, say you WANT to have a fresh start.

If you are just upfront with her- as she’s 14- it might break the ice a bit.

I think you’re right on your last point,OP. I thought the same way about my dsd. I also thought that my own mother would not have put up with bad behaviour but, you’re NOT her mum. You have come into this as “the outsider” as it were, do nothing to aggravate the situation. In years to come, you can look back and know categorically that you behaved well.

I never reproached myself because I genuinely behaved well, at every turn. It made it easier to just “move on” when she called one day and wanted to visit. It was hard; the lies she told or (to be kind) her perception of events were so far from the truth that I had a woman I’d been friendly with totally ignore in in the street in the strength of what I’d inflicted on her. The only way I could get through it was having the absolute knowledge that she was doing all she could to turn me into “the wicked stepmother”.

I think OP, that not having her as BM might, just might turn you into The Wicked Stepmother, if you’re not very careful.

If you exclude your partner's daughter, she will remember it for ever. She is still a child at 14. You don't know what her mother is putting into her head, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Your DP is a dick as well if he doesn't stand up for his daughter! If and when you have children of your own, you will understand that kids have to come first. I would never marry someone who made my kids take second place. This is the reality of marrying a man who already has a family.

You have the perfect opportunity to begin to build a relationship with her through your wedding. Do not fuck this up!

As a mum on my 3rd 14 year old, yes, they can be stroppy, but they're still children at heart. You're the adult, act like it. Your DP may never forgive you either long-term if you bin off his daughter. Whatever he tells you.

Poor child is caught between a rock and a hard place! She shouldn't have had to ask to be a bridesmaid. You should have asked her.

Have you never ever bitched about a member of your family?

Arent teenagers just like cats though? Fed, watered and a comfy bed and theyll settle with you. Force the affection and the claws come out.

Maybe youve just been over egging the pudding?

She has a choice, be nasty or try to be nice

Maybe you should take your own advice. It's very clear from your posts that you dislike her and are finding reasons to exclude her. Rescinding an offer to be bridesmaid at a parents own wedding is plain nasty. Her dad should be insisting but he's obviously too busy being happy as you put it.

Yanbu OP but you will have to suck it up l am afraid , Congratulations on getting married and have a wonderful day

I think you should still let her be your bridesmaid.

Could you tell her that you've heard that she's been negative about you, but that you would still like her to be your bridesmaid and that you hope you can both build a good relationship going forward?

If you say she can't be your bridesmaid, you are pretty much setting yourself up for a bad relationship -- and giving her a grudge to nurse. I can see why it might be galling, but ultimately your relationship will be better if you give her a second chance.

I wouldn’t have her either. She’s of course still a child but she’s 14, not 4. She’s old enough to know that if she’s nasty there will be consequences.

Shes a child.

I have been in exactly your situation and just ran with the bridesmaid thing.

This man will be your husband - while his children are still children you need to be doing what you can to support him to have no regrets when she is an adult.

Its tough being a stepmum - hardest thing iv ever done and it is thankless - but you knew this man had children and they need to come first .

It is horrendously difficult for teen girls to accept a new woman into their dads life.

And @Touchmybum - absolutely what you said.

But she hasn’t been directly nasty to you she spoke in confidence to her mother! Haven’t you moaned about a family member? My ds is always moaning about his df and mainly his SM, it’s a way for him to vent but it doesn’t get back to them, it just so happens you only know through mn and now you’re using mn in the same way! It’s hypercritical don’t you think? Why is ok for you to vent but not her mother?

I won't be "sacking" her and will still try to include her. I will gently let her know somehow that I know what she's been saying. I have wanted and still want a good relationship with her, she just makes it very hard. I'm almost completely certain it's driven by her bitter mum.

Your posts make it clear that you have no comprehension of her 14 year old attitude.

I think the fact that you don't have children is affecting your response to her.

I wouldn't get married tbh. I've heard too many horror stories of horrible exes and stroppy step children

She’s a teenager for and a woman not her mum is marrying her df that must be hard. As I said she’s not been directly nasty to you so how can you pull her up. The amount I times I lost count about moaning about my parents as a teenager is far too many. One time I hated them the next I loved them. It wasn’t until I was older you realised what they did for you.

OP - she will be making it hard- 14 is a horrid age , she is hormonal and likely full of conflict .

It isnt her job to make it easy - its your job to hold compassion for her and to support your partner to be a good father.

This may take years to resolve - likely until she reaches early adulthood and can stand back from her mothers emotions around it all .

It took my step daughter from the age of 10 to 22 to work through it ... we are just out through the other side.

It was very traumatic for all of us but I wouldn't do anything differently because at the end of the day she now has her relationship with her dad intact .

What other post? Can someone link?

I deliberately pointed out that becoming a parent did change my perspective.

You remember being 14 from being a child.

You're looking at the situation through a very different lens right now.

I'm sure her behaviour is challenging.

However, I promise you'll feel very differently about the behaviour of a 14 year old when you are the parent.

I'm sure you have tried. I've felt at times like the bloody little engine puffing up the hill "I hope I can, I think I can" until exhaustion.

I've learned that you have to keep chugging along. Keeping the "moral" high ground.

Most importantly is you and your DP need to be on the same page.

We have house rules and "parent" rules.

House rules are for everyone and any adult can enforce them (and the consequences are known). So doing chores for example, treating everyone in the house with respect. Consequences can be withdrawn devices, WiFi access, pocket money but they've all been communicated in advance.

If I enforce a house rule and consequence DH backs me up. Always.

House rules are all about how we live together and function as a blended family.

Parent rules are about issues such as ear piercing for example. Or educational choices.

I express my opinion to DH on the latter but respect that any decision is for him and his ex to make as parents.

Maybe it would help your relationship with your future DSD if you and DP clarified issues such as this?

I don't subscribe to the view that SM's shouldn't ever discipline or enforce boundaries in your home. Being a pushover isn't helpful. When you have your own kids it's bloody impossible if as an adult you have to accommodate a child who can do "whatever" unless "dad" is around to say "no" and it's shit even without kids.

However, you need to be clear about the extent of your authority and back each other up.

Maybe a little less kindness and a bit more fostering of agreed boundaries is required to foster some respect?

Just a thought....

Quite frankly, if you are struggling with her now, your wedding day, and it is just that, a day; is going to be the least of your problems.

I would keep her as your bridesmaid and compromise otherwise you will always be remembered for sacking her as bridesmaid.

If you are marrying a man with children, you are marrying the whole package and you are kicking off your blended family life by downgrading her and giving even more ammurion to her mother.

In your situation, I would go and marry you dp by yourself and then have a big party on your return.

I wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid after this behaviour - why does she even want this role if she doesn't like you?
If all she wants is to dress pretty, feel 'involved' and 'special', then as you said she can be an attendant for her dad.
If she then decides to badmouth her dad then how that's dealt with is up to him.

Don't be a doormat and let a badly behaved teenager walk all over you -otherwise you're setting a precedent.
People can harp on about 'you don't understand you don't have kids' / 'she's going to be your step daughter, you will be family'....but they (and no doubt sd's own mum) will also be the ones telling you that it's not your place to tell her off/discipline/give her rules or parent her because you're her SM.

So decide for yourself what your boundaries will be, how much shit you're willing to take from sd and how you choose to deal with it.
Don't be a martyr.

Some of you saying no to bridesmaid live in cloud cuckoo land .