To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

[Laybyloitering]

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

She can be a groomsmaid and stand with his best man and any groomsmen he is having. I would assume that would have been the case from the start as she is his daughter.
She still gets involved and the fancy dress and stand at the front but she isn't on your side she is on his.

OP - you're last post really sums up the issue here....

As a SM you're not just marrying a man you're marrying a family.

If your attitude is so solely focused around his happiness at the expense of his children (and I'm sorry but your distain for his DD leeches from your last post ( "he has to keep her happy" FFS - most parents want their children to be happy) then I'm not surprised you've not made progress in your relationship with her.

@Laybyloitering I am sorry your step daughter is doing this. I think you are within your rights to stop her being a bridesmaid BUT I think in your shoes I would not.

I'd talk to her about how hurt you feel. Explain you understand she is in a difficult position (if you don't see it I expect someone else can explain). You are not the other women, you did not take her dad from her mum, but maybe, in some way, someone (her or her mum) feels your getting together with him stopped them getting back together, etc, ( I am sure it did not ).

So maybe she feels conflicted. Her mum is not helping at all. So you can be the bigger person here, if you want to.

Explain how you feel to your dsd (to find out she has been bad mouthing you) - please be sure she has and it is not ex wife stiring it up!

And yet despite all that bad mouthing you still want your step daughter to be your bridesmaid - if you do.

Do things with her, dress fittings etc, and do them separately with other bridesmaids (one to one) if there are others and if you feel your DSD may jeopardize anything.

Just for the record I had a 14 year bridesmaid (my God daughter) she was stunning and taller than me! She wanted to wear a different dress to the others and she wanted to wear heels despite me thinking it was not advisable, as it made me look short (I am)!

We compromised, she wore the signature colour and heels (even though the dress she chose was actually nicer than the one I chose!!!)

Anyway, I'd turn this into a charm offensive because the future is a bigger place than your wedding day. One day she may make you a grandma, and one day she may see the real you, the lovely, kind, caring, scrumptious you, and if I were you, I'd be holding out for that day and allow her some petty mean words.

(But I am a big old softie!)

XXXXX Enjoy your day, whatever happens, and remember it is all a marathon not a sprint.

It was more a response to the poster who claims DP shouldn't be happy again.

You will be her step mum. I think being a Mum or a step mum or a foster mum or any sort of Mum sometimes means putting your own needs and preferences aside and prioritising the children you are responsible for and this is definitely one of those situations.

If you reject your putative SD as a bridesmaid you are giving her a grievance that she can hold against you forever. If you accept her you are paving the way for a history together. She might try and stir and make trouble but if you are the grown up, rise above it and accept her and include her it could be the seeds of a wonderful relationship.

OP - do you have children?

No I don't have children of my own.

If you don't let her be BM she will remember that for the rest of her life.

Yup she's behaving badly but this will cement things. Teenagers grow up and become more reasonable. If you do this, she will always resent you

PS Do not read the things her mum writes on social media.

OP, when you have children, and you're single, by definition your children must come first. That's the reality. You're marrying into a ready-made family. If you're not willing to accept his daughter on her terms, then you need to reconsider marrying this man.

Is she being immature? Absolutely. But the correct answer is not to burn every bridge that exists with her. You have second-hand information that she has been bad-mouthing you to her mother. For all you know, she's been doing that to try to get in her mother's good graces. What happens at her mother's home is not your business. Period. You can't police what goes on over there.

This is a transition period for her as well as for you. Your partner's first responsibility right now, because you're not married, is to his daughter. Period. You knew coming into this that he had a child. You knew that she was going to be going through puberty. If you're not ready to accept what that entails, you're not ready to be a parent.

I am a stepmother and have been since my DSD was 6 (in her life since she was five; parents separated more than a year before Hubby and I met and he was not the primary cause of the marriage ending). We have a great relationship, and I suspect that a lot of that is due to my allowing the relationship to grow organically. I try to leave most of the discipline to her father and I am very polite when I make requests of her. I try to model how I would like her to behave. She's now 13 and is very respectful to me.

@Layby, as difficult as it seems now, go all out to get on with this young girl. She WILL be a part, a big part of your life with your soon to be DH. It may seem a long time away but, there may be Uni Graduation, weddings, grandchildren in the years to come. What happens now could put the kybosh in your marriage. Your partner will agree his daughter is not behaving well but, she’s his daughter. BIG relationship. HUGE.

How do you know the ex’s username on here?

I don't meant to sound patronising but I was pretty sure that was the case.

I say this because things I struggled with as SM pre having my own children became a lot "clearer" after I became a parent myself.

I genuinely think it would be a big mistake to stop her being a BM.

It's tough but don't make what would be a monumental "statement" over your wedding.

In all honesty no one will ever remember what a child did to "deserve" it, they'll remember you being "nasty" excluding her.

Rise above it. Be the gracious Bride.

@Laybyloitering what did the mum post on here? I mean, what was the problem from her/their perspective?

Goodness - it's not the thread where the DM had to do a 2 hour round trip to pick the children up after the reception is it???

Reception? They’re not married yet are they?

I can why you're uncomfortable but I don't think you can avoid it. At the end of the day she's going to be your step daughter, you will be family, connected forever. If you turn around now and tell her she's not doing it I think that would be the snapping point and you'd lose any hope of having a decent relationship with her in the future.

How about you turn things round and, as another poster suggested, kill her with kindness? How about booking a 'Hen weekend' where just you and her go for an adventure (maybe Go Ape, or to waterpark? Show her your fun side!) and then have a pampering session in the hotel spa? Share a pizza and watch a film that she's helped pick out before bed? Give her a chance to talk about her feelings on her place in the family/her dad and you being a permanent deal. Listen to her and, whatever she says, take it on board without judging her or reacting negatively. Try and have it a whole 2 or even 3 day weekend just you guys, to really give a possible bond a chance.

Sorry - the mother was being asked to pick the children up from the reception (hasn't happened yet).

I think it was even on her Birthday??

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but let her be bridesmaid, she is a child and has a lot of learning to do regarding her feelings.

You don’t get it op because you haven’t had children of your own. Sometimes kids can misbehave, disappoint or say things they don’t mean but we forgive them because they are our children. She sounds like she feels some loyalty to her mother and she has maybe sounded off to her in good faith without ever expecting you to find out her thoughts in the same way you might to a friend about the situation, it’s just that you seen her mother post on here. I don’t understand the separate threads why not challenge her on it instead of you both posting about each other nothing gets resolved and it escalates further with dc trapped in the middle.

No their mum won't be needing to pick them up, they're staying with us. As for trying to bond, I've literally tried everything from girly days just the two of us, to cinema trips and food of her choice with the whole family, birthday parties for a big group of her friends, lots of stuff, no budging, no thaw.

Demoting her from bridesmaid at this point will be a massive blow to your relationship with her. You're the adult, take the high road and pretend you don't know. Have nothing to reproach yourself for in your dealings with her.

Also, I'd advise you to stop reading the ex's posts on Mumsnet. No good can come of it.

Please stop with the "you don't understand you don't have kids". I was once 14, I knew right from wrong. So does she. She has a choice, be nasty or try to be nice.

Op I can honestly say I was your dsd2b I was a right cow to my step from 13 till about 16 and it all came from my mum.

I eventually grew up and me and my stepmum are really close now. Hang in there it will get better.

Thanks Leo90 that's good to hear, I hope so.