DH and DD's 'inappropriate' clothing..

[newdocket]

DD (nearly 12) just got changed into a pair of shorts and a strappy top with a small cut out in it. She has no cleavage to speak of currently. I didn't really think anything of it.

When DH came in for dinner he told her that she would need to change her top before they went out to an activity together. She didn't want to change and he ended up going into a big rant about how her clothing would be sending out inappropriate signals and that wearing tops exposing cleavage was essentially a way of attracting the wrong sort of attention from the opposite sex.

She changed (under duress) and they've now gone off. I'm now reflecting on the conversation and feeling a bit 'wrong' about it. Essentially, I don't want her being told what she can and can't wear because of how this might make men behave inappropriately. Also, she's still very young and I don't think is even thinking in terms of attracting male attention. On the other hand, I do get that there are certain things I wouldn't really want her to wear and perhaps if she did have cleavage I might feel differently. I don't know.

Is there a 'right' way to go about this? I just have a general feeling that this isn't it, without really having any answers.

If a man wants to abuse your daughter, he will do it no matter what she’s wearing. Ask your husband if he often blames women and girls for being attacked by men.

I think any dad probably doesn’t like to think about his daughter getting attention from a male.

I think you need to have a private chat with your dh about his attitude to his daughter - her clothes are not responsible for men's inappropriate reactions.

He is slut shaming a 12 year old.

Nice message to give her, if you receive unwanted attention, touching or are assaulted or raped it must be your fault for wearing a low top or showing your legs.

I'd be annoyed if my dh said this.

You might want to tell him I was sexually assaulted on the tube. I was wearing baggy t shirt and jeans.

I would haul over red hot coals any man who said something like this to my dd!

Like you op, I’m a bit conflicted.

There are things I wouldn’t especially want my dd to wear out, but that’s maybe just my personal taste. I tend to cover up usually and always have, even when a lot younger (and thinner ). But then, I obviously don’t think that she would “deserve” unwanted attention if she did go out in something revealing and would want her to feel free to express herself through her clothes. The problem is, that there is pressure on young girls to live up to certain images they see in pop culture, where women tend to wear more revealing clothes. I don’t think that’s right either. If I could wave a magic wand my dd would never ever feel pressure to either cover up or to reveal more than she wants to.

I don’t think your dh handled it well.

I think he's just trying to protect her from horrible oggling perverts. It would be horrible to be out and catch a glimpse of a grown man oggling a 12 year old wearing revealing clothing.
It's a bit of a touchy subject and she should be able to wear what she likes but in this day and age I do get where he is coming from.
He is not slut shaming just protecting her.

While it really isn't OK to go around dressed like that the whole men will do xyz reasoning is terrible. Men should be in control of their own actions, why put the onus on women to avoid tempting men into breaking the law?

Yes, this it it, it is the implication that it is her fault for garnering the wrong kind of attention. Also, he said it at the dinner table in front of our two boys (one older, one younger) and it's not the kind of thing I want them to hear either.

Equally, I get that he's coming from a place of wanting to protect her. It's so difficult.

She's so young that I think he was trying to protect her knowing that there are some seriously messed up people around

I think you need to have a chat with him about this. It´s going to become more of an issue the older she gets. Try to find a common approach.

Maybe I'm in the minority but I don't think there is anything wrong with him asking her to change her top. It's a Dad's prerogative to feel protective over his daughter (or son for that matter) and that will express itself in lots of different ways. Perhaps the comments about pervy men could be curbed, depending on what he actually said. I certainly wouldn't be happy with my 11 yo daughter wearing a strappy top with a hole in it, however innocent that may be, but if I had my way I'd wrap her in bubblewrap all day every day I don't mean that judgementally at all - there's really nothing wrong with her wearing whatever she wants, but just wanted to offer another perspective give that's all!

It's awful that it was said in front of your sons aswell, we have enough men that blame women for their actions. You need to discuss the implications of this to your DH. I would not have let him get away with saying it tbh

No wonder you are uncomfortable - he was really inappropriate. She's a pre-pubescent kid and he slut shamed and victim blamed her!

It's one thing to make her change her clothes because they aren't suitable for a specific activity but it's absolutely not on to say she is to be blamed for gross perverts.

I remember being told by my dad that I couldn't wear a strappy top to a family bbq when I was about that age and I still recall how ashamed and embarrassed it made me to think that I had dresses in a sexual or provocative way. It's completely unacceptable for adults to force those views onto children.

Yeah. Not great. He’s basically just reinforced the idea that she should shoulder the male response to her body. Clothes are just clothes. It’s men that sexualise them.

I’d hit the roof, personally. What an idiot.

i agree wholeheartedly that a woman or girl can be abused or ogled at no matter what she's wearing, that being said, certain clothing is designed to attract attention to certain areas, i.e the cut out under the cleavage makes one look at the cleavage.
I wouldn't want my daughter wearing certain types of clothes because she would (unfortunately) be judged by what she's wearing and i would ideally want her to wear 'classy' clothes.
not saying it's her fault that males would look at her like that but you know some would.
Plus most fathers ARE protective of thier daughter's are they not?

there are certain things I wouldn't want her to wear

I'm confused about this strappy top with a cleavage hole. Did you not buy that for her or is she buying clothes herself with pocket money or something?
Call me old fashioned but I don't think it's a great top for an 11 year old to wear if it has a "cleavage hole".

In an ideal world, you'd discuss this with dh away from the 3 kids I suppose and decide where you both stand on how dd dresses. She's still a child so you do have a say in it.

The comments are completely out of order, even if it is his prerogative to ask her to change he has to say it as a "I feel very uncomfortable being out with you...." not "you shouldn't dress like that", but even then I think he should be respecting her choice if she doesn't want to change. Of course he could then opt out of facillitating the activity as I'm assuming she needed him to drive/pay etc. However dictating dress is hugely inappropriate.

Pretty disappointed in the "aww fathers can be so protective of their little girls" attitude in some of the posts too.

I'd have been very cross. And your two boys now think that it's wrong for girls to dress in certain ways and it will be the girls' fault if they look at them for dressing in certain ways.

I'd have a right go.

I agree with him.
I wouldn't want a disgusting pervert looking at my daughter and screw making a feminist stand of I can wear what I like bla bla.
What did he actually say?

If he really wants to fight this cause, she needs to wear what she wants and see her dad challenging any inappropriate attention from men.