DH and DD's 'inappropriate' clothing..

[newdocket]

DD (nearly 12) just got changed into a pair of shorts and a strappy top with a small cut out in it. She has no cleavage to speak of currently. I didn't really think anything of it.

When DH came in for dinner he told her that she would need to change her top before they went out to an activity together. She didn't want to change and he ended up going into a big rant about how her clothing would be sending out inappropriate signals and that wearing tops exposing cleavage was essentially a way of attracting the wrong sort of attention from the opposite sex.

She changed (under duress) and they've now gone off. I'm now reflecting on the conversation and feeling a bit 'wrong' about it. Essentially, I don't want her being told what she can and can't wear because of how this might make men behave inappropriately. Also, she's still very young and I don't think is even thinking in terms of attracting male attention. On the other hand, I do get that there are certain things I wouldn't really want her to wear and perhaps if she did have cleavage I might feel differently. I don't know.

Is there a 'right' way to go about this? I just have a general feeling that this isn't it, without really having any answers.

Clothes don’t cause rape. He is perpetuating the dangerous myth that women who dress even slightly ‘provocatively’ are responsible for their rape. Rapists cause rape and they will rape anyone regardless of what they are wearing. I would be having firm words with him.

He is slut shaming a 12 year old

Utterly ridiculous statement! I don’t like seeing six year olds in cropped tops and won’t allow my daughter to wear one. I’m hardly “slut shaming” her, merely pointing out that they are hideously inappropriate for small children.

I agree with @Sailinghappy, we live in the real world unfortunately. While men do attack conservatively dressed women, a skimpy dressed one is more likely to get the wrong kind of attention.

I would just say the outfit is too grown up for her though, no mention of pervy men.

DH needs educating. Fast.

While men do attack conservatively dressed women, a skimpy dressed one is more likely to get the wrong kind of attention

That will be why the majority of women are raped in casual clothing.

For me I wouldn’t want my child wearing anything sexual. To me if I see someone wearing sexy clothing I interpret that person as making a sexual statement. Obviously it’s not a cue to then inappropriately abuse that person. But I would assume that person was open to flirtation?

I can’t see why a child needs to expose their cleavage. Young girls not pre-pubescent can run around topless, but clothes designed to enhance sexual features in grown women I think should be left for grown women.

I know people get assaulted in all kinds of clothing and situations. I just think you invite stares and possibly the chance of arousing a stranger. And a child is less able to deal with that kind of uncomfortable attention.

Why on earth is a crop top inappropriate for a child? Presumably we’re talking about a CHILD showing their non-sexual body? .... do you want to elaborate on why that’s a problem.

It would annoying enough if he’d said it to a 16 year old, but to say it to a 12 year old is bang out of order.

Clothes dont cause rape but they can be a contributing factor to unwanted male attention, esp by slimeballs that get a hard on for girls dressed up like young women.

That said, shorts and a strappy top sound like pretty normal wear for a 12 year old.

Nearly 12...

An example then, child a is wearing a full sleeved top and jeans whereas child b is wearing the outfit op's daughter is, who is more likely to have horrible men stare/make comments/even approach (if given the opportunity) this isn't about feminism, its about taking steps to protect our children as best we can.

Wow. This thread is insane. I’ve peaked-people.

But I would assume that person was open to flirtation?

You assume a 12 year old is open to flirtation??? Are you for real

Advice Of course. Cover up. Make sure he rapes the other girl, right?

clothes are just clothes. It's men who just sexualise them

Not sure I agree with that. I do believe that young girls are being sexualised purposely by the clothing choices available on the market. I have boys but last week went to buy dneice some clothes and was horrified by the padded crop tops for 7-8 year olds. I had to dig deep on a bottom rack to find normal, non padded one. Padded underwear for a child is completely unnecessary IMO and is a form of attempted sexualisation. This was a high street shop too. To me this is sending a message to young girls that they need to be busty at a young age and I would never encourage that. The same with those very short hot pant things that show half the bum cheeks.

To me if I see someone wearing sexy clothing I interpret that person as making a sexual statement. Obviously it’s not a cue to then inappropriately abuse that person. But I would assume that person was open to flirtation?

Presumably you would think this of a TWELVE YEAR OLD though? Because if so there's a deeper problem here.

Adults who think 12 year olds are sexy because of what they are wearing - regardless of what that thing is - are the problem, and putting the onus on 12 year olds to solve that probem isn't acceptable.

You can't begin teaching your kids too early that what people wear is not and never will be an excuse to view or treat them as sexual objects.

Have a chat with him

And parents since the dawn of time have told their kids off for dressing inappropriately . It’s very normal

Advice Of course. Cover up. Make sure he rapes the other girl, right?

Yes, that's exactly what I said.

It's very tricky. My teenage DDs used to wear things that made them look very grown up and I was worried about them getting unwelcome or inappropriate attention. I would say something along the lines of 'you look lovely, but if I think you look nice older men might think so too and I wonder how you'd deal with that?''

At the time it had the desired effect and they would change or cover up before going out but I am still not sure it was the right thing to do. At the time protecting them took precedence over empowering them.

You think it’s ok to make a 6 year old feel bad about people seeing her tummy?

I actually worry about women who think is is ok for their children to be walking around in overtly grown up/adult clothing. Childhood is short enough without trying to turn them into mini adults before their time.

To clarify, I didn't buy her the top. She got it this weekend whilst in town with friends with her own money.

When I first saw her in it I didn't have any thoughts of there being cleavage or it being 'sexy'.

No one's talking about sluts or rape.
I don't think dh should have ranted on about "the wrong attention from men" She probably didn't understand the implications of that.
However, I do think an 11 year old child shouldn't be dressing in adult clothing.

"That top is too grown up for you" would have been fine. I'd give the same response if my 11 year old daughter wanted to wear bright lipstick, high heels or jeans with the arse cut out.

In an ideal world, no one should be concerned by how a child dresses but we don't live in an ideal world.

To me if I see someone wearing sexy clothing I interpret that person as making a sexual statement

Why on earth would you think that? Of a child?

I can’t see why a child needs to expose their cleavage

Wtf? She’s 11 she doesn’t have any cleavage. She was wearing shorts and a strappy tshirt. Just like every other 11 year old.

Agreed Myotherusernameisapun

That was one strange post.