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Original poster

DH and DD's 'inappropriate' clothing..

202 replies

newdocket · 04/06/2018 18:57

DD (nearly 12) just got changed into a pair of shorts and a strappy top with a small cut out in it. She has no cleavage to speak of currently. I didn't really think anything of it.

When DH came in for dinner he told her that she would need to change her top before they went out to an activity together. She didn't want to change and he ended up going into a big rant about how her clothing would be sending out inappropriate signals and that wearing tops exposing cleavage was essentially a way of attracting the wrong sort of attention from the opposite sex.

She changed (under duress) and they've now gone off. I'm now reflecting on the conversation and feeling a bit 'wrong' about it. Essentially, I don't want her being told what she can and can't wear because of how this might make men behave inappropriately. Also, she's still very young and I don't think is even thinking in terms of attracting male attention. On the other hand, I do get that there are certain things I wouldn't really want her to wear and perhaps if she did have cleavage I might feel differently. I don't know.

Is there a 'right' way to go about this? I just have a general feeling that this isn't it, without really having any answers.

OP posts:
captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:18

You can do what you like as an adult. But until my child is old enough to understand the various types of creeps out there, how to manage her sexual feelings with maturity I will not condone her wearing sexual clothing. After that she can wear what she likes and do what she wants, with whoever she wishes as long as it’s legal and she will have my full support.

jade9390 · 04/06/2018 20:22

She is 12. Only sick peado men would be looking at her and they would look at any child whatever they wore. Same as rapists rape and even a burka does not prevent it in other countries. I realise the days of letting a young girl run around in just knickers or nothing on a beach are long gone but I have dressed younger girls in strappy cotton sundresses, tops and shorts on a hot day, there is nothing sexual about it they are just wearing the same as I would in hot weather. They are not going to wear polo necks in the heat. The UK is going backwards.

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:24

A sun vest is one thing, but one with a cut out for a peep at a child’s cleavage is inviting people to look it is drawing attention. That’s the issue for me.

therealposieparker · 04/06/2018 20:26

Perhaps he knows more about how men think?

It's a fine line between telling girls what to wear (I wouldn't let my son out in a vest) and understanding how men respond and allowing that to shape how a young girl dresses.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2018 20:26

You’ve never explained what is sexual about an 11 year old wearing t-shirt with straps captainproton

I still wouldn’t want any old blokes eyeing up my daughters or being wolf whistled

No-one wants that but it’s going to happen anyway, regardless of what they wear.

therealposieparker · 04/06/2018 20:27

My daughter is 11 and looks about 15, I wouldn't let her out (and she wouldn't want to wear) in a peephole top. But that's because her body shape is something men have already stared at.

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:28

Well you clearly can’t read

greenvalleys · 04/06/2018 20:29

Haven't dads always been like that, i remember my dad saying to my mum, "are you going to let her go out like that", when i wore mini skirts.

Luckything50 · 04/06/2018 20:30

I really struggle with this - at this age a young girl can have a child's body and look 'fine' in shorts and a strappy top, or be really developed with a large bust and curves, as I was, and look completely different in the same clothes. This should not be a problem for either of the girls but it's wrong to refuse to acknowledge that the second child won't receive inappropriate looks or words from inappropriate men, and give her the tools or advice to deal with it. I hate that it's necessary but in reality it is.

Charolais · 04/06/2018 20:30

Let him be a good father and protect her.

For your daughter's sake listen to him because he’s reality based whereas you are not.

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:31

There are men out there btw who like women with small breasts so don’t just assume that because an11 year old has not fully developed into a ‘C’ cup or whatever that some men won’t be intrigued to have a look.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2018 20:31

You claimed the cut out was for cleavage, captain on zero evidence. Where does OP say that? OP has specifically stated the hole is small and high up, so nowhere near non-existent cleavage. Nope, no explanation.

ColoursOfRain · 04/06/2018 20:33

Let's think about people who want to groom a child. Do they choose the tomboy in jeans or the child who looks like they are up for experimenting sexually. Like it or not, clothes do send a message. No, they shouldn't be attacked, but we don't live in this world yet...

ColoursOfRain · 04/06/2018 20:34

I should add a lot of 9/10/11/12 year olds look a LOT older and it would not be obvious how old she is if she's wearing clothes older girls might wear...

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/06/2018 20:34

I just don't think children that age should be wearing clothing designed to be 'sexy'. (FTR I would feel the same about very tight tops/shorts on my sons). I wouldn't have explained it in terms of men looking at her, but I would have said that these sorts of clothes are appropriate for older girls and women and not for someone of her age.

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:34

ColoursOfRain

Exactly!

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:38

From OP:

t (in this instance, I don't think I saw this top as inappropriate because she has no cleavage and the cut out was high up and small, perhaps if she was very busty I would see it differently).

So OP has stayed the cut out is near her cleavage area because presumably a busty child would expose cleavage. Therefore not cut out at the back.

CandleWithHair · 04/06/2018 20:38

Scolding her for her choice, in front of her brothers, was definitely the wrong course of action for your DH but I do get what his motivation was.
I think when they get home you should calmly talk to your DH about how to approach situations like this in future so your DD isn’t made to feel like her body or attire are responsible for men’s actions, and then do a bit of damage control with DD so she understands this.

I thought @Twopointsforhonesty comment up thread about your DH doing more to challenge men’s behaviour was on point. All men with kids, especially daughters, should do this

Plumsofwrath · 04/06/2018 20:38

The message was right, the delivery was wrong imo.

DH should have said: I hate that we have to talk to you about this, but some boys and men are uncouth and disrespectful. You’re getting to an age where by simple virtue of the way you look, you will attract unwanted attention from these idiots from time to time. You shouldn’t have to deal with that, but that’s life and I’m sorry for you. In your shoes, I’d probably wear something a little more modest, but it’s your call. [Looking over to sons] You two should be very grateful indeed that you never have to be spoken to by your parents like this. I will think very much the lesser of you if you demonstrate the kind of behaviour I mentioned. You see those girls out there: they’re just like your sister. Call out this behavior if you see your friends indulging in it. For your sister’s sake.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/06/2018 20:40

Tatiana tops with cut outs in the chest area are designed to show a flash of cleavage. It's not an air hole. Op mentions Cleavage 3 times in her opening post.
That's what people are picking up on. I think it's too grown up for a child.

I'd be interested to hear where parents (that think children should wear whatever they want ) would draw the line?

BertieBotts · 04/06/2018 20:40

Not being funny, but at 12 I would have assumed that you as parents are in control of what clothing she owns? 12 year olds don't normally go out shopping by themselves, do they? (Am I really out of touch?) Therefore it's more a case of deciding if a type of clothing is inappropriate before she even has the choice to wear it.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2018 20:41

Has anyone here actually read research into sex offending?

Because the very clear picture across the board is that clothing is not a factor for offenders. There are many others.

How do you explain the grooming of boys? What are schoolboys wearing that marks them out for attention? That is sexy?

My son’s school has recently had a spate of historic sex offence trials from the 60s and 70s. The boys all wear black and grey school uniform.

captainproton · 04/06/2018 20:42

Tbh the way porn seems to be ubiquitous and how it warps young minds I don’t think the world is going to change any time soon.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2018 20:43

If you read it Nineties OP twice says that DD has no cleavage. Her DH mentions inappropriately and and, according to the OP, inaccurately, once.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2018 20:45

I don’t agree all cutouts are for cleavage, that’s nonsense. I’ve got a t shirt with a small cutout just underneath the neck band, nowhere near my boobs.

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