Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be able to bemoan a bad day as a SAHM mum without the thread being hi-jacked by rampant feminists who think that "housewives" should be lined up and shot, either that or pitied and patronised!

121 replies

lucyellensmum · 20/05/2007 16:55

Thats just it really, there are days, im sure you know as a SAHM when you feel a bit shit about things. Just like any job i would imagine, i've certainly spent much time moaning about my jobs in the past, whether they have been ones i have enjoyed or endured. So here's the thing, i have been having a down couple of days, my pre-baby friends have moved on pretty much and i feel "out of it" when i return to an old job on a casual and part time basis and im completely in the dark about the goings on. I've lost my confidence and feel dowdy.I feel tired because i have not been able to shift a cold for the past, what feels like forever and DD isnt sleeping well. My relationship with my partner could be better as we are under financial strain, although that is getting better. So, i thought, i know, i'll post a rant on mumsnet and get it off my chest. In return i will get some empathy and a chivvy along and be told "yes lucyellens mum, we all have days like that - it will pass, because actually, it always does, it has today, i took DD to the park in a sulk because DP was finishing the patio and couldnt come with. But by the time the sweet little girl had said three new words (she has speech delay so this is a BIG deal) and had fun at the swings, "helped" me fetch some cakes for daddy in the shops, the sun was out again.

BUT, of course, what would happen is pretty predictable, I would probably be informed that it is totally my own fault for becoming a stepford wife and abandoning my career, and that probably didn't amount to much anyway as i am clearly brain dead, that must be so as i am proud to be a SAHM. That i lack confidence because really, i make no significant imput to my family or society as a whole and if i try to defend myself then i am obviously over defensive and "know" that my life is shit but am sticking my head in the sand.

Well thanks mumsnet (not everyone i hasten to add, most of you are lovely - just like me) for making me feel so good about myself! Not the parental solidarity i expected i can tell you. I know there are plenty of SAHMs out there who feel the same way i do, but we don't tend to say for fear of being pounced on or pronounced weak.

I am actually considering getting a part time job (one up from gutter scun i know, but hey at least its a step up) as my dd is ready for part time nursery so thats pretty scary really. As for whether i will continue to mumsnet, im not sure TBH as my confidence is in definate need of boosting after reading certain threads, which yes, i know i shouldnt read or get drawn into but i feel it is my right as a FEMINIST to defend my CHOICES.

OP posts:
Chirpygirl · 20/05/2007 17:08

Hey lucyellensmum, sorry you're having a crappy time! I am a SAHM on a career break so I know how sucky some days can be.
Remember that you made a choice to do what YOU want to do, and no-one can say that you were wrong or right apart from yourself. If you are happy with the choice you made (and it sounds like you are...it does always mend itself!) then bollocks to everyone else, they don't have to live your life!

Hope that makes some sort of sense, am not really with it today!

[wrt thread title..let's see, but [although I am fervently hoping I am not right] I doubt it!]

lilmamma · 20/05/2007 17:09

Iam a sahm,i love it,its my choice,my hubby goes to work,i keep the house nice,do all the usual and have time to swim each day,i will probably go back to work at some point,but at the moment i enjoy doing what i do,and i think i work harder than people who are paid to work..

motherinferior · 20/05/2007 17:09

Honey, I am sorry you are feeling like this. I don't feel massively good either at at the moment. And I'm a feminist AND I work

Hang on in there, sweetie.

Lauriefairycake · 20/05/2007 17:10

I'm a 'rampant feminist'. I DO NOT think SAHM's should be lined up and shot (and anyone who doesn't think you are 'contributing' is a tosser in my opinion)

You have an enormous right to moan just like everyone else

I'm not going to say 'chin up' cos I'm a counsellor so instead I will say eat some cake, make a cup of tea, and be kind to yourself.

Oh and moan as much as you want.

You are not being unreasonable

x

Lauriefairycake · 20/05/2007 17:13

'Anyone who thinks you AREN'T contributing is a tosser'

Need to type properly.

lucyellensmum · 20/05/2007 17:20

cake it is, i too, am a feminist, believing in CHOICES for women, hey ho - im off to eat cake.

OP posts:
merryberry · 20/05/2007 17:22

Haven't read your thread where that happened, and won't have time to, sorry. Do not let them get to you. Don't make their insensitivty your problem for any longer than you can help it. I'm posting because I want you to forget all about this as soon as you can. In my view, from your description this is often a very unhelpful way for parents secretly worried about what they are doing to keep their own worries about being away from the home packed up. Putting your choice down is a powerful tool to validate their choice.

Any insistence that those on the other side of a perceived fence are routinely lesser human beings is a fascist tendency IMO.

I alternate between being SAHM, WOHM and god help me, a WAHM. You are SO right, whatever we do we have down days.
I hope you continue to get good stuff out of MN. I hope your post might make people remember that the MN philosophy they are supposed to support by posting here is:

'The idea of Mumsnet is that by pooling knowledge and experience, parents make each other's lives easier. Please bear in mind that issues to do with raising children can be very sensitive and that everyone has the right to make their own choices when it comes to bringing up their kids.'

Fight the good fight(s). And I hope you have some blindingly good days soon. x

franca70 · 20/05/2007 17:23

And for the cold, take zinc + vit C.

Megglevache · 20/05/2007 17:23

Message withdrawn

nightowl · 20/05/2007 17:25

you're not the lowest of the low on mn daaarling because i work part time, have had to claim benefit in the past, live in a council house and im a single parent!

you wanna compete for slaggings off?

everyone has a bad day, nothing wrong with letting off steam. it is a kick in the teeth though when someone jumps in with their over inflated opinions so i know where you're coming from.

HonoriaGlossop · 20/05/2007 17:28

Hope you do continue to mumsnet

Yes, a bad day at the 'office' as you say and things will be all right again soon as you already know!

And FWIW (while I am fully aware that being a SAHM is not an option or choice that is open to all) I want to say that there is NO ONE I respect more than a mother who stays home to bring up the child she has. There are many people out in RL who feel the same. Don't forget that mumsnet is not representative of real life, at least I haven't found it so.

2shoes · 20/05/2007 17:29

lucyellensmum you have to stay we need you

hotbot · 20/05/2007 17:43

ahh lucy,,big hug, unfortunetly the topic you picked to moan about is very contentious,and you have no right to an opinion as you are a sahm..... ...please i really am joking,,, i too would have a big slice of choccy cake, go on yuo deserve it!!!!!1
and yes no matter what we do for a living, we all feel like you do at times, if not most of the time,, chin up and its also just about time for a g and t

moondog · 20/05/2007 17:54

God Lucy,do what suits you and good luck to you.
Do you honestly care what a handful of dullards you will never meet have to say about you and your life?

mozhe · 20/05/2007 17:56

op- you seem to have a lot of insight...perhaps focus on that ?

Tortington · 20/05/2007 18:07

sorry you had a shit day. i hope you have very many happy things tomorrow

kittyhas6 · 20/05/2007 18:16

Lucy, sorry you are having a bad day, remember that SAHMS rock

3andnomore · 20/05/2007 18:21

Aww Lucyellensmum...don't let it get to you...people who think like that just arent' worth it.
Some working mums are just envious, I think, others truely can't understand why anyone would choose to be a SAHM, so, neither of those will be nice to a SAHM wiht a bad time...!
Hope things improve anyway.

Roskva · 20/05/2007 18:23

I'm a SAHM, and I had a bad day on Friday - I nearly lost the dog, the washing machine broke again, dh had been away all week and is away again all this week and the week after, and my back was killing me (like dreading picking the baby up killing me).

We all have bad days, and we are just as entitled to moan about them as anyone. You are not alone

Cappuccino · 20/05/2007 18:27

I think the kind of 'feminists' who come down on looking after kids and a home are the ones who should be lined up and shot

if women can't value our own contribution to society, whatever that may be, where the feck are we, really?

2shoes · 20/05/2007 18:31

lucyellensmum i have felt the same as you over the past week. have seen a thread I started hijacked and my life as a SAHM and carer belittled.
don't let it get to you. sometimes you just have to give up and walk away from the thread. go on chat and have a laugh. or come into sn and have a chat

Boco · 20/05/2007 18:34

Sorry you've had a bad day. Don't let comments here make your day any worse though - really, be proud of the choices you've made, whatever they are, who cares what other people have chosen?

I'm a feminist and a sahm, nad i've had a shitty stressful week with poorly children, but am so glad that i can be at home with them, even when its hard. I wont always be a sahm, my choices will change with my circumstances of which no one but my family will have any understanding of Just as i trust others are doing what suits them, i can't bring myself to care what people think of what i'm doing.

rantinghousewife · 20/05/2007 18:37

I'm totally with you, lucyellensmum. I don't think there's anything remotely feminist about 'bashing' other women for their choices anyway. When I was a working mum, I can't recall ever feeling like I should lecture another woman about her working status. To do so speaks of deep insecurity on the behalf of the lecturer, iyswim.
for your dd's new words.

mozhe · 20/05/2007 18:37

2shoes..do you think you were belittled ? Most people,( all ? ), on your thread were very supportive of your situation, I'm sorry if you felt otherwise
It's true it did go off in a different direction though....you got the debate going though...respect to you.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 20/05/2007 18:45

lucyellensmum being a SAHM is HARD work- three weeks of it (am a student doing a project before summer) has driven me to distraction, I totallya dmire you and you choices.

But why am I sitting back waiting for Xenia to come in and blow this whole thread open? Lets hope she sees fit to skip this for once.