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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be able to bemoan a bad day as a SAHM mum without the thread being hi-jacked by rampant feminists who think that "housewives" should be lined up and shot, either that or pitied and patronised!

121 replies

lucyellensmum · 20/05/2007 16:55

Thats just it really, there are days, im sure you know as a SAHM when you feel a bit shit about things. Just like any job i would imagine, i've certainly spent much time moaning about my jobs in the past, whether they have been ones i have enjoyed or endured. So here's the thing, i have been having a down couple of days, my pre-baby friends have moved on pretty much and i feel "out of it" when i return to an old job on a casual and part time basis and im completely in the dark about the goings on. I've lost my confidence and feel dowdy.I feel tired because i have not been able to shift a cold for the past, what feels like forever and DD isnt sleeping well. My relationship with my partner could be better as we are under financial strain, although that is getting better. So, i thought, i know, i'll post a rant on mumsnet and get it off my chest. In return i will get some empathy and a chivvy along and be told "yes lucyellens mum, we all have days like that - it will pass, because actually, it always does, it has today, i took DD to the park in a sulk because DP was finishing the patio and couldnt come with. But by the time the sweet little girl had said three new words (she has speech delay so this is a BIG deal) and had fun at the swings, "helped" me fetch some cakes for daddy in the shops, the sun was out again.

BUT, of course, what would happen is pretty predictable, I would probably be informed that it is totally my own fault for becoming a stepford wife and abandoning my career, and that probably didn't amount to much anyway as i am clearly brain dead, that must be so as i am proud to be a SAHM. That i lack confidence because really, i make no significant imput to my family or society as a whole and if i try to defend myself then i am obviously over defensive and "know" that my life is shit but am sticking my head in the sand.

Well thanks mumsnet (not everyone i hasten to add, most of you are lovely - just like me) for making me feel so good about myself! Not the parental solidarity i expected i can tell you. I know there are plenty of SAHMs out there who feel the same way i do, but we don't tend to say for fear of being pounced on or pronounced weak.

I am actually considering getting a part time job (one up from gutter scun i know, but hey at least its a step up) as my dd is ready for part time nursery so thats pretty scary really. As for whether i will continue to mumsnet, im not sure TBH as my confidence is in definate need of boosting after reading certain threads, which yes, i know i shouldnt read or get drawn into but i feel it is my right as a FEMINIST to defend my CHOICES.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 22/05/2007 12:03

I didn't say I didn't like the word rampant. I love it. I would be a feminist for that description alone I reckon

It was just an idle observation...

beckybrastraps · 22/05/2007 12:06

And it's not working mothers who are rampant - it's feminists.

SueBaroo · 22/05/2007 12:07

becky, yeah, but you're sort of 'reclaiming' it. I don't think the initial use of the term was meant to be complimentary.

Mind you, I hate being called a 'Staunch Protestant'. I'm not 'staunch' and I never have been. Makes me sound like I don't bend at the elbows and knees or something.

LilRedWG · 22/05/2007 12:12

lucyellensmum - have only read the OP, because I know this will turn into an arguement, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of days. Work sucks sometimes, whether that is looking after a LO or selling stocks on Wall Street.

Hang in there and please don't lose your faith in all of us fellow MNers.

singingmum · 22/05/2007 12:16

Lucyellensmum
I'm a SAHM,I HE and I'm a recovering(slowly) agorophobic so rarely go out so I def know what you mean.
Free speech and choice are things some haven't heard of.
I will prob work one day but it will be from home most likely as I wish to be a writer.
I believe that feminism isn't about working v staying home but about the right to chose which we wish to do.
As for contributing to society, if we all do our best to raise our dc's well then we have contributed.If we all are kind and polite and sometime smile at a stranger as we walk by and cheer their day we have contributed.
There are many ways that SAHM and Wmums contribute to society.
Most of us don't get told this or allow ourselves to feel that we do.We need to feel good about our choices no matter what anyone says.
Am off to start a thread on what we've dione that has made us feel good today thread

singingmum · 22/05/2007 12:17

woops done not dione

LilRedWG · 22/05/2007 12:17

well said singingmum.

juicyjoe · 22/05/2007 12:27

I a sahm with my dd2 and i love it. I have PND which is hard somedays but i cope with it along with thousands of other mums. I just want to say that having a shitty day is allowed as just because u are at home doesn't mean you don't get stressed out and fed up with your "job". I believe that we have a very important job and that our kids become the people they are becauseof the imput we give them and the time we spend with them. So anyone who says that A SAHM is not working need to try it someday, i "work" from 6.30am to 7.30pm and i wouldn't change it for the world. So you go girls and wave ur bra's in the air haha zxxxxxx

lucyellensmum · 22/05/2007 14:41

becky bra straps, you are right - i mean, just look how that word has evolved, from rampant feminist to rampant rabbit! Sisterhood yea

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 22/05/2007 14:50

xenia, i do expect my points of view and opinions to be challenged, it would be rather dull if they were not. I was simply making the point that every time, EVERY time someone posts on issues concerning being a SAHM there is ALWAYs someone waiting to hi-jack the thread for feminist reasons. Please do not patronise me, i have been a working mother and i know that it is hard work, equally so being a SAHM who is dedicated to her DD. I do believe i alluded to this in my OP, so perhaps you have not read it properly and have simply thought of this as another SAHM bashing opportunity? I'm sure you haven't, it would be a bit disappointing if your threads were just posted for the sake of agrument. I have simply decided to be here for my dd's formative years this time around

Thanks for the support everyone, yes, we all have shitty days and worries, and i was under the impression that Mumsnett was a forum in which to air them. But don't worry girls, im having a lovey day today (apart from the cold!).

OP posts:
LoveAngel · 22/05/2007 15:01

lucyellen - she isnt a feminist, dont let her fool you. She doesnt particularly like women. At least, if she does, she has a funny way of showing it.

lucyellensmum · 22/05/2007 15:10

i used to work with someone like xenia, she didnt have any children though, well unless they were locked away with the nanny and she never let them out. This woman was also a "chip on the shoulder" feminist who tried to portray herself as a womans champion, i had cause to work under this woman and then in the same department. Funnily enough she always used to give women a really hard time over work issues, unless of course it was a "womans issue" then she would be, well, rampant! The irony of it was that she was the biggest bloody flirt i have ever known and would definately try the whole, little girl lost routine or vamp to get her own way - then she wonders why she had a hard time being taken seriously. Incidentally, she used to treat male subordinates the same way, my friend could wrap her around his little finger - sad really. I have to admit i do prefer male company and can be a terrible flirt but i dont pretend not to like men, cos i luv em!

OP posts:
PeachyChocolateEClair · 22/05/2007 15:56

gamegirly yopu're right about the sahm /wohm- I don't think either is ahrder than the othr (in terms of worload, both come with their own sacrifices and there's a cost- profit balance in most things in life). When I was at work (with ds1 /ds2), when I am at uni or at home- its all work of a kind. Some I enjoy more, some I find more emotionally demanding- but its still a general slog

Kevlarhead · 22/05/2007 19:41

"We could have reserved areas I suppose - like you can only post here if you're black"

No. It's "I will refrain from posting on this threads because my opinion on this subject is either already well-known or it would not advance the discussion". Restraint from within, not enforcement from without.

People need to able to post on MN without their comments being swamped with the same accusations over and over again. Otherwise MumsNet will be killed off as its discussions become as tedious and repetitive as the BBC's Have Your Say pages.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 22/05/2007 19:48

I agree, it seems to be that some Mums come here for support- exactly what it says on the tin after all- and get blasted! With very few exceptions, its important to support Mums (and dads) to make the right choices for them, not to blast then if those things differ from what you believe in.

Judy1234 · 22/05/2007 20:07

Advice and support but sometimes people posting have to give a view like - smacking is wrong or breastfeeding is best. Sometimes when you're really fed up at home and exhausted you don't realise the simple solution might be to return to work because actually for that mother being home isn't the best choice. Sometimes you need an outsider to say these things. Sometimes the other way too - exhausted full time working mother or father could be told may be they should try working full time and having that nice new car etc isn't as important as getting more rest.

singingmum · 22/05/2007 20:12

Trouble is xenia have seen some of your other posts and you get a little bit ott with pushing your choice and views.
Just because someone is tired does not mean that chainging life completely would help.
Have also seen you post that SAHM's are a bad example to their dd's.Thats wrong as I have said my dd wishes to be a brain surgeon and if I wasn't a HEing SAHM I would not be able to encourage this as a school would have her in a special class as she is a delayed reader.Her talents would go unnoticed.
In the same vein working mums have ther own choice and it works for some.
We all chose whats best for us and what we hope is best for our dc's

PeachyChocolateEClair · 22/05/2007 20:12

Whislt I agree to an extent that come later- the mst important part is to make poster feel secure and supported first. then she may well take on board what she hears. (and breast isn't always best we all now that by now)

And I think tbh (something I learned when I did my counselling tho admittedly many a moon ago) that when most women feel supported they can then find their own way out of situations- something infinitely more empoweringa nd satisfacory. Its getting her, through mutual support, to that place where she feels ready to face whats going on and tackle it.

Besides not all problems are solvable- I used to come on here a lot and just rant about how ahrd DS1 was being, and get a bit upset if people offered me too much advice- I was just struggling with a difficult SN kid, there was no real way out ('have you tried a reward chart?' er yes) I ahd to deal with it and did, 90% of the time. But when I was tired and emotional then I needed a valve, the steam would blow and I'd be back coping again.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 22/05/2007 20:13

sorry whilst I agree to a certain extent, that comes

lights a bit bad here so cant see as well

Pennies · 22/05/2007 20:15

lucyellensmum - I haven't read the whole thread but you were lovely to me the otherday on the thread I started about my DH being against me working. As you know from that I also have crappy SAHM days and I totally sympathise.

From the brief skim read of this that I've done tho you don't seem to have been told your marraige is in pieces which is what happened to me when seeking advice on my own SAHM ishhoos, so looks like you've done well!!

Hope you have many more better days!

Pennies · 22/05/2007 20:17

Peachychocoalteaffair - absoluely spot on.

Pennies · 22/05/2007 20:18

Sorry - Peachychocoalteeclair!!!!! doh doh doh!!!!1

mabelmurple · 22/05/2007 20:35

You don't like feminists, do you? The woman you describe as a "chip on the shoulder feminist" was not a feminist, and people don't disagree with you/hijack the thread because they are feminist, they just disagree with you. Being vehemently opinionated does not make anyone a feminist. I am proud to be a feminist, which, as others have said, means supporting choices for women and men. I have been a SAHM and loved it, if my daughter chose to be a SAHM or a WOHM I would support her choice passionately. At the moment I work (sharp intake of breath) part-time, and Xenia, don't knock it because IMO it's the BEST of both worlds.

toomuchtodo · 22/05/2007 20:44

lucyellen, thank you for your post, you could be me!

xxx

mozhe · 22/05/2007 20:53

There is no such thing as ' the best of both worlds '....