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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be able to bemoan a bad day as a SAHM mum without the thread being hi-jacked by rampant feminists who think that "housewives" should be lined up and shot, either that or pitied and patronised!

121 replies

lucyellensmum · 20/05/2007 16:55

Thats just it really, there are days, im sure you know as a SAHM when you feel a bit shit about things. Just like any job i would imagine, i've certainly spent much time moaning about my jobs in the past, whether they have been ones i have enjoyed or endured. So here's the thing, i have been having a down couple of days, my pre-baby friends have moved on pretty much and i feel "out of it" when i return to an old job on a casual and part time basis and im completely in the dark about the goings on. I've lost my confidence and feel dowdy.I feel tired because i have not been able to shift a cold for the past, what feels like forever and DD isnt sleeping well. My relationship with my partner could be better as we are under financial strain, although that is getting better. So, i thought, i know, i'll post a rant on mumsnet and get it off my chest. In return i will get some empathy and a chivvy along and be told "yes lucyellens mum, we all have days like that - it will pass, because actually, it always does, it has today, i took DD to the park in a sulk because DP was finishing the patio and couldnt come with. But by the time the sweet little girl had said three new words (she has speech delay so this is a BIG deal) and had fun at the swings, "helped" me fetch some cakes for daddy in the shops, the sun was out again.

BUT, of course, what would happen is pretty predictable, I would probably be informed that it is totally my own fault for becoming a stepford wife and abandoning my career, and that probably didn't amount to much anyway as i am clearly brain dead, that must be so as i am proud to be a SAHM. That i lack confidence because really, i make no significant imput to my family or society as a whole and if i try to defend myself then i am obviously over defensive and "know" that my life is shit but am sticking my head in the sand.

Well thanks mumsnet (not everyone i hasten to add, most of you are lovely - just like me) for making me feel so good about myself! Not the parental solidarity i expected i can tell you. I know there are plenty of SAHMs out there who feel the same way i do, but we don't tend to say for fear of being pounced on or pronounced weak.

I am actually considering getting a part time job (one up from gutter scun i know, but hey at least its a step up) as my dd is ready for part time nursery so thats pretty scary really. As for whether i will continue to mumsnet, im not sure TBH as my confidence is in definate need of boosting after reading certain threads, which yes, i know i shouldnt read or get drawn into but i feel it is my right as a FEMINIST to defend my CHOICES.

OP posts:
americantrish · 21/05/2007 14:54

i dont think its unreasonable at all!!! everyone moans about the bad days, working out of the house or not moms!

i'm a SAHM (or 'domestic engineer' as i like to call myself!) and i've been job hunting for months now...

i hope your day has gotten a bit better...x

gingerone · 21/05/2007 15:01

Moan all you like about your bad days, we all have them. I love being a WOHM and then having a bad day with the kids, that's something I would never post about as I dont think bullet proof vests are that strong.

We all choose, we are all doing the best we can and we should all support each other..

I never really get why women can be so destructive and unsupportive to each other at possibly one of the most stressful times in their lives. Sisterhood and all that....
We should all stop this bitching and start helping a bit more, the world (and mumsnet) would be a much better place

(stepping down from the soapbox now)

gingerone · 21/05/2007 15:07

Sorry, dont love having a bad day with the kids, but it happens...

lucyellensmum · 21/05/2007 16:23

will feel better when this cold goes - sniff! to make matters worse, i hate lemsip

OP posts:
Jacanne · 21/05/2007 16:42

Lucyellensmum - I am a SAHM having one of those days too - I offer you lots of sympathy and really hope you have a better one tomorrow

My 2 dds seem to have learnt the art of choral whinging and it's so enjoyable.

3andnomore · 21/05/2007 17:57

Today is one of those days that I would love to be a fulltime working mom...or the option of packing up the Kids off to Timbuktu also is rather to appealing...sigh! Hohum !

SueBaroo · 21/05/2007 18:37

Yeah, I had a few days in a row like that last week. This week I decided that the housework can just chill for a while. I can't see the carpet right now, but my kids and I are fairly happy lol

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 19:06

Working parents have bad days too. But you can't censor things. You can't make mumsnet really just a pro stay at home zone and if some of us know that working removes some of those pressures some mothers feel at home then we want to help you, that's all. Just as you might say to a working mother who is exhausted what about working part time or at home?

By the way plenty of housewives are feminists and plenty of working women have very unequal and unfair lives with a man and aren't particularly feminist.

If you know being a home is what is best for you then it shouldn't get to you if someone makes a suggestion like "work helped me".

Most women with young children work, not all by choice by any means so I suppose on any web site directed at mothers you're likely to get a lot of people who work and find it's the best choice for them.

Sorry you had a bad day.

By the way I think part time is worse than being a housewife. Worst of all world's.

Kevlarhead · 21/05/2007 19:15

"But you can't censor things."

She's not trying to censor things, she's trying to have one thread on a website with thousands of the things where she can moan about being a SAHM without having it flooded by people questioning the basis and validity of her current way of life.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 21/05/2007 20:29

Yep, i think its perfectly fine to have an area for SAHM to just rant, and why not one for WOHM as well? Or how about a please let me rant and not be argues with I need to let off steam zone?

3andnomore · 21/05/2007 20:36

Peachy...now that is a brill idea a "letting steam off zone" or Rantzone...lol!

seamonster · 21/05/2007 20:48

I am a SAHM and I'm taking a career break, from working in a shop. I have been doing so for about 8 years now and with no4 on the way, will continue to do so until I feel the time is right for me to continue my scintillating career. I was told the other day that it's not the same for me as I don't work, when chatting with a friend about our other 1/2's working away. It isn't just the women you are talking about, its friends and family as well.If I had cake I'd eat it with you all!

Twinklemegan · 21/05/2007 21:29

lol Lucyellensmum - it's my fault really. He doesn't WANT to be a SAHD exactly, it's just how things have worked out (I don't WANT to be a WOHM mum either though I do enjoy my job). Money's really tight and he's cr*p at shopping to a small budget. I'm better at cooking as well, and well I'm a bit of a control freak tbh!

LadyOfTheFlowers · 21/05/2007 21:32

i was having a crap day a weekor so ago and was going to start a moan on here, but something stopped me.
i bottled it!

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 21:45

We could have reserved areas I suppose - like you can only post here if you're black but sometimes I go on the lesbian thread because it's interesting or whatever and I think that helps. It's the mixing of views which helps people become more tolerant of others. It's that old argument of whether we should allow men only clubs or black policemen groups or women only networking associations or whatever. Is it good to stick with your own or better to mix?

I suppose the only way entirely to achieve it on line is to have a site only vetted members who are registered can join - like I think friends only having access to your blogs on Facebook etc.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 22/05/2007 09:57

Bugger off Xenia! this sin't about being SAHM / WOHM / Black / lesbian/ White / fat thin or or anything else.

Its just about acknowledging that sometimes people feel low and can benefit from having a bit of a rant- its thereapeutic. if MN had a place where one could rant unchallenged by people who think that you are living your life in a way they don't support (and there are enough areas for this already- all of MN for a start) it'd save a lot of greif. if people feel they can;'t post on MN when they need some time then that's sad.

case in point: the Sn community have had to set up an off Mn group because we were so often trying to have a bit of a rant and kept being told to get over it, or domntacha know ASD or adhd or whatever it was that day was an excuse for bad parenting, or whatever.

I think a 'safe zone' on MN would be an excellent thing! It would also reduce the number of AIBU threads that end nastly coz someone really just needed a listening ear, and instead got a mouthful.

beckybrastraps · 22/05/2007 10:04

Why are feminists so often 'rampant'?

I love the way adjectives get appropriated like this.

There was a great series of letters in the Times about the adjectives used for adherents of different faiths.

devout catholics
staunch protestants

etc.

NappiesGalore · 22/05/2007 10:14

becky

LoveAngel · 22/05/2007 10:32

I love being a rampant feminist, a ruthless career woman and a devoted mother

;-)

SueBaroo · 22/05/2007 10:53

rrrrrampant.

Starts giggling

GameGirly · 22/05/2007 11:01

Can I just have a little, tiny, small moan, pretty please? I know I'm going to get run out of town for this (probably a good thing!) but I take slight issue with one of the very early comments which said "i think i work harder than people who are paid to work". Can I just point out that as a WOHM, I still have to do all the usual chores when I get home in the evening? I don't mind. It's a choice I've made (in as much as I chose to live in London and require a large mortgage!). I'd just like to say that regardless of our status, SAHM or WOHM, we all work hard ... dont' we? Women in particular are amazing. (Not dissing men, but women do tend to be particularly good at achieving 100 things at once). I'll be off now

QuiltHugger · 22/05/2007 11:10

Sorry I haven't managed to read the whole thread but thought this would give some people a smile
I was at a wedding recently where I bumped into the mum of one of my oldest school friends. When she asked what I did I replied sahm she replied with a tearful glint in her eye "oh welldone!" and gave my husband a look of admiration. Certainly beats the quick change of subject I've been getting when mentioned amongst my peers.

GameGirly · 22/05/2007 11:18

QuiltHugger, my MIL has actually said that she is ashamed that myself and my SIL go out to work, the reason being that it looks as though her son and son-in-law don't earn enough to look after their families.

Oh, and to Lucyellensmum, I'm sorry you were having acrap day on Sunday and I hope things are better now. You're right that we do all have dark days, regardless of our situation, and hopefully they do pass eventually. Be proud of the choices you have made for you and your family but just be aware that there are always going to be tossers out there who judge you, regardless of what you do.

Judy1234 · 22/05/2007 11:53

Are working mothers rampant because they're sexier or something?
And why would rampant be abusive when applied to women but a good thing supposedly in men?

It's like at work where often a woman will show characteristics of leadership etc which would get men brownie points and are regarded as bad in women.

SueBaroo · 22/05/2007 12:00

Xenia, isn't it just that the percieved understanding is that feminists are being like men, therefore applying the word Rampant, which is more often used of men is ever so slightly derogatory. Precisely because it is more often used of men.

I suppose it's like calling men 'girly' or something.