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Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
MimpiDreams · 01/06/2018 10:44

Start invoicing him for the services you provide for him and then spend 'your' money.

Lacucuracha · 01/06/2018 10:49

How awful he is Sad

Is there really no way to get childcare for your DC?

Because I think you need to be working to ensure that you are not reliant on this ungrateful toad in future.

Are you married?

blackteasplease · 01/06/2018 10:50

Yes invoice him.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:52

Yes, we are married.

I guess I always thought I contributed more than my fair share, both through everything I do at home, for the children and him, and financially (I get carers allowance for my son).

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 01/06/2018 10:53

If this is a new thing, are sure he hasnt made any new friends?

If not, ask him how he plans to cover his portion of childcare to allow you to work outside of the home to earn "your" money.

PatriciaHolm · 01/06/2018 10:55

Hmmm - I would be rather suspicious as to who might have been putting such ideas in his head if this is a new thing...

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 10:58

I can absolutely understand why you're so upset. And you're right not to let it lie - here are some suggestions.

  • Go and see a solicitor. I suspect he would be shocked at how much of the money would actually be regarded as "his" in the event of a divorce.
  • As Mimpi says, start costing your own services and bill him for half (obviously full whack for anything just for him - e.g. laundry). And then stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't buy his shaving foam etc etc.
  • Leave him to look after the kids for a whole day/weekend while you brush up your CV/look for a job. Then ask him what plans he has in place with his work to cut down hours so that he can look after his children when you're working.
  • Stop the normal shopping. Ask him every day for cash to buy food for the children and provide him with change and receipts at the end of it. Preferably in front of other people! Don't buy anything for him.

Agree with others, though, that it's a suspicious change and possibly put into his head by someone else. Have a good look at bank statements etc for any suspect activity.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/06/2018 10:59

If the decision for you to be a SAHM was a joint one and he's never expressed having an issues with your division of labour in five years then this is very odd behaviour from your DH. If he is no longer happy with the current set up he needs to have an adult conversation with you about why that is and what he feels can be done about it, instead of making unpleasant comments about "his" money. I can understand why being the sole breadwinner would feel like a lot of pressure and some people may not be happy with that but this is absolutely not the way to handle things and he needs to understand that caring for a child with additional needs is no picnic either!
When you've both calmed down I think you need to insist on having a proper conversation about this.

Lacucuracha · 01/06/2018 11:01

Great advice from Natalia.

OP, you've got to address this with meaningful action. He is not going to learn from your tears.

GabriellaMontez · 01/06/2018 11:05

He's completely out of line.

But start calmly with a conversation in private initiated by you. "I'd like to discuss something you said the other day..."

See where this is coming from.

Be prepared to discuss your contribution. If he's not happy I wonder what exactly he would like you to do?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 11:05

He has never expressed an issue with my being a SAHM in five years and has never had this attitude to money before.

We are comfortable financially and do not need the money so I don't know what his motive is, particularly as it would be taking away precious time from our children.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 11:09

I’d be leaping. He could go fuck himself. I’d work out how much you’ve contributed in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc for the last 5 years and if possible withdraw it from the savings or the joint account. I’d take whatever I could and I wouldn’t pay another single thing for him. No food, no laundry, no cooking, no clothes, no washing powder for him. Fuck all.

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 11:11

I have to say I disagree that costing your 'services' is a good idea. You are his wife, not his childminder or cook or cleaner. Don't cheapen that by going down the 'invoicing' route. Instead, deal with the sheer disrespect he has shown you. You need to get to the bottom of why his attitude has changed. Unfortunately, I agree with others that something external (OW) has brought this on. Get legal advice, OP.

Hillarious · 01/06/2018 11:13

Perhaps you need to find to talk to him about this at a point when money and spending aren't irking him right at that moment, before you start consulting a solicitor or thinking about divorce

HellenaHandbasket · 01/06/2018 11:16

If he was just talking about tightening belts i would agree that it sounds like worry about finances. But this sounds more like resentment of you, personally, which makes it sound more like another person has his ear.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 11:19

Perhaps you need to find to talk to him about this at a point when money and spending aren't irking him right at that moment, before you start consulting a solicitor or thinking about divorce

But he hasn't done that, has he? Fair enough if she'd mentioned a holiday and he'd said "Hold your horses with that - I think we need to sit down and have a proper look at finances first". That would be fair enough. What he has started doing is making unsubtle digs at her about the fact that the money is "his". And that's a very different ball game which needs a different bat back. Plus - if there is more to it than meets the eye, she'd be wise to be on the front foot in any case.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 11:21

I haven't spoken to him since yesterday. He knows just how much this has upset me and is on his best behaviour trying to smooth things over. Would he be doing this if there was someone else?

Regardless, I think a statement like that is something that can never be taken back, can never be forgotten. I feel like all my trust has gone :(

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 11:25

Did you ask him why he said it?

Porridgeprincess · 01/06/2018 11:28

I would also be devastated by this, as it sounds like ye had a good working partnership. That would be the biggest kick in the guts for me.

I would not go down the invoicing route. I would go down the direct conversation route and see where this came from and see where his head is at if he is saying these things. Then allow both of you time to think on where to go from there.

I know you are very upset now but silent treatment is quite passive aggressive so just maybe tell him that when you feel more composed that you would like to speak about money, the household money and responsibilities.

You never know, there could be something on his mind and this is his time to tell you.

kaytee87 · 01/06/2018 11:29

He sounds like a fucking arsehole. Ask him if he would rather look after your disabled child so you can go out to work.
On another note, why are you buying his clothes for him? He's not a child, that's a bit weird. I only ever buy clothes for my DH if it's as a bday/Christmas present.

Sleepyblueocean · 01/06/2018 11:31

You have every right to be angry about what he said but you need to talk to him about it.

RedHelenB · 01/06/2018 11:37

I would do some digging too. Very much sounds like he's changed his feelings towards you. Unless he is getting a load of stress at work?

Shampooeeee · 01/06/2018 11:37

Please don’t invoice him for your services. It devalues your actual contribution.
I am a SAHM. I could choose to work and earn 3x what childcare would cost but I consider staying at home to be more valuable at this point in my child’s life.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 11:37

Okay - we've maybe all (including myself here) leapt to some conclusions. Not necessarily another woman on the scene, but I suspect something has caused a bit of a change in attitude.

My friend's DH verges on this sometimes. He's an entrepreneur; he's been very successful. He does a lot of international travel, sometimes at a moment's notice and doesn't keep anything like regular working hours. His business appears to be his passion and they have a fantastic life. Except....occasionally he will carp at her that she "needs to get a job". Except what he means is one of those "only on Mumsnet" miracle jobs which only require your presence during school hours. What he means is she should find something in the six hours when their kids are at school. He's not prepared to commit to picking the kids up at a certain time on certain days. Or taking a particular week off in the holidays to look after them while she's at work. So it's about his not recognising and valuing what her role actually allows him to do. And that's the problem.

Sounds like the problem here as well. Because you earning "your" money would, likely as not, significantly impinge on his ability to earn "his". If he thinks that would be a better outcome for the family, then it's fair enough to raise it and discuss it, thinking through all the consequences and the potential financial implications. But it's not fair enough to carp and snipe. That's childish and snippy....and probably deserves a response in kind.

Puttingthefootdown · 01/06/2018 11:40

My niece has special needs and it's a full time job looking after her, so I feel for you.

You need to tell him because of his comment you are going back to work and the next converstation you will be having is how you will split childcare.

Be to the point! How dare he!

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