Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

[Twinkletwinklelittleone]

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP has said they don't need the money, and she's familiar with the finances.

Thinking about it, I know I said OP could be a lunchtime organiser but actually those are hard to get when not for 5 days a week. It would probably have to be something self-employed. This again leaves us with the question of why, if they're both working and as a matter of principle rather than necessity, OP is the only one who has to accommodate childcare when selecting role and working hours.

Totally agree hollowtalk. Sitting next to a sleeping child and messing around with a mobile is not putting the children to bed.

RainySeptember

And that might have been possible if he hadn't used "you're not spending my money" as his opening gambit. This isn't a disagreement. This is a very sudden moving of the goalposts, accompanied by aggression. It is completely unacceptable. How dare he talk to her like that, having never raised the issue in a civil fashion? All these posts making excuses for him are ignoring the fact that he was horrible to his wife for no apparent reason, over an arrangement he has availed himself of for five years.

He’s. it sitting next to a sleeping child. We have had this with our child (additional needs). For us, you need to be there until they fall asleep. Not interacting, but present. Fiddling on a phone is actually a nice distraction - it’s hugely boring.
If this is a similar situation, then if op dh didn’t do it, op would have to, or bedtime would become very fraught.

This thread is getting more and more hilarious, in a hysterical kind of way.

The OP has a child with additional needs of a kind that require her to still be up tending to him at midnight, but any reluctance on her part in the past to take the same child on holiday is clearly bullying her husband.

While she deals with this situation on a daily basis, our main concern should be whether she is becoming too mumsy to please her husband.

Oh, and she should spend more time on herself.

Yeah, because child with additional need with totally look after himself, advocate for his own support at school and probably make his own doctor's appointment. 'cos that's what additional needs mean: they do any additional things that need doing round the house. Or something.

I doubt he chooses to sit next to a sleeping child. What would be the point? I took it to mean that he read them a story, chatted about their day and then waited for them to fall asleep.

He enjoys it, and it's half an hour that op can be doing something else.

Similarly in the mornings, he just gets himself ready because presumably op can then get showered and dressed once everyone leaves for school. And nobody who has ever done the school run would say it's not useful if someone else does it surely? Instead of getting home from the school run at 9:30, OP's day can start at 8:30.

I don't think it's helpful to op at all to minimise the things he does, either side of a ten hour working day.

"I would never marry anyone male or female however who would not commit to full time work even once babies came."

Each to their own I guess, but I wouldn't marry or have babies with someone who:

a) would expect me to work full time full stop - I'm planning on cutting my hours down ASAP, I'll have an extra day off a week and will only be about £45 worse off per week, which I can afford.

and b) who would expect us both to work full time after we'd had children, especially if one of them had special needs. Who do you expect to look after them while you're both at work?! I'd rather one of us not work and do it instead of paying an outside party personally, would seem a bit counter productive.

Pengwwwn. I agree. I've already said all of that. But what good are the posts saying how badly he's behaved? Op already knows that. Unless she's going to leave him, some compromise needs to be reached.

RainySeptember

Why? Why does a compromise need to come before an apology? I wouldn't contemplate making any changes until my DH had made it up to me. Then, I would ask him to express himself without being an arsehole and we would go from there. You don't reward dickish behaviour by compromising before the issue of the dickishness is resolved.

Op has already said he's 'on his best behaviour because he knows he's upset me'.

Meanwhile op has given him the silent treatment and told him never to speak to her again.

Neither of them covering themselves in glory when it comes to talking it through.

OP implies the kids aren't asleep when DH comes in. However, sitting quietly there with them, pissing around on one's phone, sounds like an easier job than the other things that might need doing at that time, such as meal prep or tidying up...

He was rude and unpleasant. I'm sick of people trying to work out in what way the op is to blame for this.

/\ /\ /\ This in spades.

OP I would be taking this behaviour as a serious warning to get your shit together and assume the worst. See a solicitor, find out where you stand financially and make plans discreetly.

Hopefully it will come to nothing.

Either way there needs to be an immediate and permanent shake up in your house. I propose you each get 1 day a weekend off, the other does kid stuff - get him involved in actively parenting your children. Rota the housework in the same way so you don't spend the next day cleaning up after him. Assuming routine is necessary to help sn dc then write it down and make him a part of it. He needs to take over a couple of the night duties so that you are sharing that burden, few people understand the impact of long term sleep deprivation and there is no need for you to be doing all 7 nights with 2 adults in the house, not ever and that needs to stop.

Hell or high water get yourself something outside the home which gives you a new network and some cash coming in. If you can in any way look to further training as a confidence boost then do it.

To get this time for yourself there will have to be pitch in from your not so dh and since money is not an issue then you should try to get employed help in place a couple of days a week, this will help reinforce your contribution, give your dc another support and long term ensure you have some back up if you end up a single parent.

I am sure none of these things are going to be easy but i think you would do well to work out how you would best manage on your own. MY high earner ex said crap like this, usually designed to degrade in front of others - an attitude carried on as he walked out on us with the greatest of ease and continues to be as cruel as possible financially whilst refusing to see dc at all.

This is not an unusual story, it happens all the time and it is amazing how unrecognisable a dh can become overnight and also how accepting society is of men who happily abandon their responsibilities, particularly ime if disability is involved.

Arm yourself OP.

However, sitting quietly there with them, pissing around on one's phone, sounds like an easier job than the other things that might need doing at that time, such as meal prep or tidying up...

If it is a job that needs done then this just becomes a game of who has it harder top trumps. Once you go there you’re on the road to nowhere.

NotTakenUsername

But who instigated it? He did.

Don't agree. It's an important point to note that he doesn't do much in the house or with the DC and what he does do is the easier stuff. She's the one doing the 6am weekend starts and the cleaning, he does sitting down and a school run he likes. Very relevant given that he's complained about her 'sitting around' and that OP is wanting reassurance about doing her fair share.

The main issue here IMO is not his attitude, but his change in attitude. Something or someone has caused this and it needs getting to the bottom of.

It doesn't matter whether we agree or disagree. It's just going round in circles.

What are the practical suggestions for op?

To ltb? To tell him to fuck off and then carry on as they are, hoping he'll come round to her way of thinking?

To try to get to the bottom of what's changed, to stop the silent treatment and talk about it calmly, to try to understand each other's points of view?

Because if they love each other and want to stay together it really should be possible to reach an agreement.

RainySeptember

My advice to her is to continue giving him the silent treatment and see what he comes back with. Wait him out. Make it clear an apology is owed. Then be open to a conversation about what is wrong.

Pop, I agree it's a personal decision within a couple. We both worked full time and had careers so earning would increase a lot so taking time off or going part time would not have made any sense at all. (My youngest are teenagers now so this is a while back). My main point was try to agree as much as possible before getting married so later when one expects to work time whether the husband or wife it does not come as a shock to the other.

But who instigated it? He did.

That sounds worryingly like, “but he started it...”

It’s just so childish.

Can you get a Saturday job? I’m thinking he might benefit from some time being the main carer and holding the house together. WHile you can work a very long day and put your feet up in the evening

Labradoodliedoodoo that is a fantastic suggestion. Op wouldn’t need school holidays off, op dh would get some one to one time with the children (which forms a much more solid bond in my opinion). He will initially find it hard, but that is a good thing. I think op would really benefit from something in her life outside of the home and her children.

I don’t know why it hasn’t already been suggesting.

The alternative is to start a job three days a week at 8am but spilt the household tasks and weekend childcare with him

My DH does Saturday care and house running. I pass the whole mental load on to him for that one day. It’s much simpler just being at work for the day.

Given his attitude and the possibility that he'll be resistant to dealing with any of the facts in this matter, ie that OP does more than him and that fairness dictates if he wants her to work on principle he should shoulder some of the limitations and ensure they have equal leisure time, I do think it would be worth OP at least thinking about ways to earn money. For your own benefit and security OP, as insurance. Given the unlikelihood of finding a 3 days a week, school hours only, term time only employed role, could you do anything self-employed during those times?