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AIBU?

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Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
SweetSummerchild · 01/06/2018 20:18

I haven't spoken to him since yesterday. He knows just how much this has upset me and is on his best behaviour

Is this how you normally resolve conflict in your relationship? Whatever the situation, some people would not be able to stand this level of ‘sulking’. It’s something I can’t abide. If DH did this, I’d lose all respect for him.

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 20:18

NotTakenUsername

I don't disagree in principle, but my issue with what he said wouldn't be that he said it, it would be that he thinks it. That is not something 'grace and forgiveness' is going to fix.

RainySeptember · 01/06/2018 20:43

I don't disagree pengggwn but unless op is going to kick him out the only productive thing they can do now is discuss it.

I think he was a twat to raise it as he did, but crying and silent treatment until he apologises, suppresses it and fears ever raising it again doesn't seem right to me.

NotTakenUsername · 01/06/2018 20:43

We often reach for things in the heat of the moment that we don’t really mean. Or maybe to cover our true ‘ugly’ feelings (eg - having a disabled child is just so hard!!) we do what we think is downgrading it, but actually say something much worse... that’s where the grace and forgiveness will come in useful if/when op has a calm discussion with her husband about where this apparently new attitude has come from.

SweetSummerchild · 01/06/2018 20:51

We often reach for things in the heat of the moment that we don’t really mean. Or maybe to cover our true ‘ugly’ feelings (eg - having a disabled child is just so hard!!) we do what we think is downgrading it, but actually say something much worse... that’s where the grace and forgiveness will come in useful if/when op has a calm discussion with her husband about where this apparently new attitude has come from.

So, so true.

DH and I both worked full time until Xmas. I had to give up work due to disability, and my financial situation was very uncertain for a long time. Even though I wasn’t earning a fraction of what DH does, he still felt the ‘pressure’ of being the sole breadwinner at first. Suddenly it was all down to him.

He didn’t always react well to the situation. He was fucking terrified. I didn’t always react well. It was a horrid, horrid time.

Relationships involve humans beings who don’t always react as we’d like them to. Sometimes we all have to take a deep breath and try to behave like an adult. It’s not always easy. We got through it with a lot of talking and discussing.

Sulking and coming out with statements such as ‘I can never trust him again’ do not bode well for successful conflict resolution.

FusionChefGeoff · 01/06/2018 21:04

It's a bit 'dancing to his tune' but could you spend a week where you write down everything and I mean everything you do each day??? Found £2.50 and filled in form for school disco, meal planning, big shop, meal prep, clean kitchen, empty dishwasher, answer emails from kids activities, etc etc and bombard him with the minutiae and sheer volume of 'stuff' which you do?

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 21:06

What annoys me about this sort of thing is that the man would usually be doing the same job with or without the wife.

Well yes, but he’d be keeping 100% of his income.

No, he wouldn't be keeping 100% of his income, because he'd need to pay for a nanny to look after his kids. And he'd either have to pay to get his laundry done and his meals cooked, or have less free time and do it himself. Said nanny would also insist on set hours. And wouldn't work on the weekends....and would want her own holidays off etc etc.

NotTakenUsername · 01/06/2018 21:11

No, he wouldn't be keeping 100% of his income, because he'd need to pay for a nanny to look after his kids.

He’d be a bloody miracle of nature if he created these children in the absence of said wife. Grin

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 21:13

He’d be a bloody miracle of nature if he created these children in the absence of said wife. grin

Touché! Grin Grin. But they're here now....he can't send them back!

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 21:53

I've told him that I work from 6:30-9:30am, a few hours whilst the boys are at school and then 3-10pm. 13 hours total which is more than he does. He's annoyed because that means that I have said i will now take the boys to school and put them to bed...both activities that he enjoys. He wanted me to up my hours...what more can I do?

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 01/06/2018 22:02

What does he mean when he says he wants you to "up your hours?"

Has he still not apologised?

RainySeptember · 01/06/2018 22:07

I don't think it's a solution to take over childcare duties that he's already currently doing and which he enjoys. As he doesn't have the option of seeing dc during the day, it's nice that he takes them to school and gets them to bed.

So does that mean you work 6:30-8:30, before he takes them to school, two hours during the day, and then 3-7pm, when he gets them to bed? Because that's still 8hrs per day.

While he works, what, 8:30-6, then 7-8 getting the dc to bed? It's pretty comparable really isn't it. And you work lots more on weekends and during school holidays I bet.

Jamiem80 · 01/06/2018 22:07

If this is a sudden change and out of character are you sure that your finances are as secure as you believe? Maybe your husbands job is not secure or he has debts you don't know about?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:11

rainy I do 6:30-8:30, at least 3 hours during the day, then 3-8pm. So 10 hours total plus everything on weekends and holidays. He works 9:30-6:45pm. Everything is taken care of by the time he gets home. So he only works during work time.

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 01/06/2018 22:13

I suppose there's no getting away from the fact that he's allowed to feel that he'd like you to contribute financially.

It sounds like he's willing to pull his weight with the dc in the mornings and evenings. Will he be happy to spend his evenings/weekends also doing 50% of the chores you usually do while he's at work? To pay towards wraparound and holiday care? Has he considered the impact of paid childcare on dc?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:16

He doesn't want paid childcare for the DC. He wants me to find a magic job that doesn't change anything about our life now.

OP posts:
iheartmichellemallon · 01/06/2018 22:16

As a minimum stop doing his washing & ironing - he's an adult who can do that for himself. Then give him his list of half the chores required for the DC, including their washing, ironing & all food prep at weekends etc.

Barbie222 · 01/06/2018 22:18

To be fair if he takes them to school, works all day and puts them to bed he is doing a fair bit of the donkey work there.

CornishMaid1 · 01/06/2018 22:20

You need to talk to him. Being the breadwinner is stressful and maybe there is something going on there that he is not telling you that is coming out in mean comments.

Is he self employed? Is there a chance he is having issues at work or his work may be talking about redundancies? Could he have run up some debt?

That sort of comment makes me think more that he is worried about money and bring able to provide for his family of money is being spent on luxuries.

SweetSummerchild · 01/06/2018 22:21

He sounds very bitter and you are being very passive aggressive.

It sounds like a horribly toxic situation and you’re seriously not going to solve anything this way.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:21

Barbie He insists on doing those jobs because they are enjoyable to him. The DC are already in bed when he gets home so he doesn't actually do anything, just sits on his phone upstairs until they are asleep.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:27

Whilst he was completely out of order saying that, I do get a bit cross with the often suggested stance on mn that it's impossible to get a job during school hours. It really isn't. Ok, it's hard to get a career type job, but there's umpteen small wage/no qualifications required type jobs you can do - lunchtime waitress, work the till at supermarket, anything in a school. Failing anything in your area, you can do your own little business any hours you want - cleaning/dog walking/making stuff & selling it etc etc please don't pick apart this little list above, there's plenty plenty more.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:28

I agree, but this is on three specific days. How many jobs are like that? Plus I need to carry on doing everything I already do.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:34

You've said yourself you have 3.5 hours per day on the 3 days in the middle of the day spare. That's 10.5 hours to put towards your own business.
Tbh, I can see why he's a bit resentful, if you are struggling financially in this situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 22:35

Also OP has a child with additional needs. Depending on what those are, she may not be able to just pay for wrap around care. It isn't that simple.

If she drops the kids at 9 and collects at 3, she needs to work what, 10-2 three days a week term time only.
Does And needs to either earn enough to balance the loss of carers or little enough to not impact it.

Dies he rang want you stacking shelves 8pm - 3 ma to make him feel more valued?
All because her husband wants her to work more hours just for the principal of it, to make him feel better.

Op leave him doing the school run and sorting with the kids at night.

Ask him if there's any money issues.
Have a good talk about the work you both do and if necessary put it down in writing.