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AIBU?

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Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
MsJuniper · 01/06/2018 11:52

I also think the invoicing/refusal is a bad idea (or suggesting you go back to work when that isn't practical or what you want) but as part of your sit-down conversation you could talk about what the costs would be for the kind of specialist childcare you need and the other costs you would have if you weren't at home. I don't think it should be the main thrust of the conversation though - that needs to be about respect, appreciation and the family unit. You bring much more to the household than financial savings.

You can give him the opportunity to talk about whether he is having a wobble about his job or seriously wants to spend more time at home and how that could work.

I would also keep a level of suspicion about where this has come from and keep your eyes open for any other unusual activity, as this has been a recent and sudden change. Either someone may have put ideas in his head or he could have been spending/borrowing without your knowledge? Perhaps a good time to make sure you have full access and copies of anything financial.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 11:58

I guess if it's his money rather than ours, then the children are yours rather than ours.

Pa1oma · 01/06/2018 12:09

I'm so sorry OP. I'm in a very similar position in that I've been a SAHM for 15 years and we have 3 children. I think if my husband ever spoke to me like that, I would just pack a bag and tell him I'm checking into a hotel for the weekend because I can't be around him at this time. It's the weekend, so why not just do this and leave him with it all. Just so he can begin to get some sense of what it is to be the default parent. Tell him you have no idea what food is in and he will need to make sure school uniforms, homework, etc etc are organised for Monday.

Don't hold back in telling him how deeply hurt you are. Tell him you need time to consider your options going forward and can he make contact with some afterschool care agencies. If you don't have a cleaner already, tell him to book one asap, at least twice a week. Any gifts he has given you over the years, put them in a bin bag and throw them at him. Good luck.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 12:22

The thing is that I told him that I was happy to get a job, but with the summer coming up I would need him to take time off work to look after the children. He never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 12:31

I’d be snooping. Sounds like he is suddenly trying to hold onto “his” money. I’d want to know why.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 12:33

Snooping isn't an option. I don't know any passwords to anything.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 12:35

Do you have a joint account and/or personal accounts?

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 12:35

So do you not know your family's financial position/have access to bank accounts etc?

Also, have you challenged what he said, properly?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 12:38

Do you trust him?

I would tell him I want access to everything because he is acting suspiciously and I needed to see everything. Bank accounts, credit cards statements, savings, his phone, email, whatsapp. Everything. And don’t give him any warning. Get the kids to bed and tell him you want access to everything right now. But only if you’re prepared to put consequences in place if he doesn’t. (If he doesn’t then there’s a reason for that)

BackforGood · 01/06/2018 12:41

As ever - extreme reactions from so many posters.

You said you've been together 15 year, married for 6 and a SAHM for 5 years. this was a complete and utter shock to you, which says to me this isn't the man you fell for, lived with, married and have spent 15 happy years with.
My repsonse would therefor be to find out what on earth is going on. Clearly something has happened - maybe something at work, maybe he's just had news of someone dying young or getting ill and its started him worrying, maybe he's got some symptoms of something himself he is too frightened to go to the Drs about, maybe he has been handed a redundancy notice or there are rumours at work ? Who knows? It is all speculation until you talk to him.
The daft suggestions on here about seeing solicitors or walking out, and, even your ''not speaking to him since yesterday morning' aren't going to get to the bottom of why he has suddenly just changed after all this time together.
TALK to him. Find out where this completely out of the blue statement has come from.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 12:41

'Snooping isn't an option. I don't know any passwords to anything.'

So all your money isn't joint?

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 12:42

Clearly something has happened - maybe something at work, maybe he's just had news of someone dying young or getting ill and its started him worrying, maybe he's got some symptoms of something himself he is too frightened to go to the Drs about, maybe he has been handed a redundancy notice or there are rumours at work ? Who knows? It is all speculation until you talk to him.

None of those things would explain this contemptuous attitude towards the OP.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/06/2018 12:44

I have to say I disagree that costing your 'services' is a good idea. You are his wife, not his childminder or cook or cleaner. Don't cheapen that by going down the 'invoicing' route. Instead, deal with the sheer disrespect he has shown you. You need to get to the bottom of why his attitude has changed

I agree with this 100%. While it might feel mildly satisfying in the moment to present him with an invoice, nothing will actually get resolved with game-playing and one upmanship. You need to have a calm, honest, adult discussion.

EmmaSwann · 01/06/2018 12:45

Snooping isn't an option. I don't know any passwords to anything.'

If you're not able to access your accounts, I assume you're not really aware of your financial position. Maybe you're in debt and he doesn't want to tell you.

You need to be assertive and tell him you want access to the accounts. It's JOINT money and you want to take JOINT responsibility for your FAMILY finances.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/06/2018 12:45

Why on earth are people suggesting OP goes "snooping" and sneaking around before she's actually tried talking to her Husband?

QueenOfMyWorld · 01/06/2018 12:46

I'm a sahm and if dh ever said anything like this id rip him a new one! He earns the money but I'm household manager as far as I'm concerned and worth every penny!

Bumpitybumper · 01/06/2018 12:47

Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to justify being a SAHP or try to assign a monetary value to your contribution. At the end of the day whether he likes it or not, you are married to him and therefore any money he earns at the moment IS half your's. You don't need to justify why this is the case or prove to him why your contribution is sufficient. As things stand, if you were to divorce you would be entitled to at least a 50 percent share of financial assets.

So the question now becomes why is he trying to undermine you and make you feel like your contribution isn't enough? I think identifying the motivation for this behaviour will tell you what you need to know and inform how you should proceed from here. Is he feeling stressed about being the breadwinner and finances or is it something more sinister? Hard to tell, but definitely would be looking to have a calm, frank discussion with him asap to at least hear his side of the story.

FASH84 · 01/06/2018 12:49

Maybe you aren't as financially comfortable as you think, I can't imagine not knowing what our household finances are. It doesn't excuse the way he spoke to you at all but I'd want to know what was going on. Is his job at risk? Has he had a pay cut not hitting bonus targets etc but hasn't told you? Unfortunately men in provider roles can get weird ideas about not being good enough of they're suddenly not as financially secure as they were. The only way to deal with this is to talk about it, I know you say things are great but it's weird you have no financial access or independence.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 12:49

I disagree, BackforGood. If he'd started being snippy about the size of the credit card bill, or had started carping about the household spending? Then I'd completely agree with you. But the "my money" thing is a different kettle of fish. It's a huge red flag and, because it's seemingly come out of nowhere, if I were the OP I'd be wondering what was behind it. And as it seems to be directed AT the OP (rather than, say, just general bitching about finances), then I think she'd be wise to watch her back.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/06/2018 12:50

You need to ask him for an explanation of why his attitude has suddenly changed. Remind him that it was a joint decision for him to earn the money and you to provide the domestic support, and this is the first time he has ever said anything to suggest he is no longer happy with the arrangement.
See what kind of answers you get out of him before deciding what to do next.
Because yes, maybe he's sniffing around OW. But he could also be worried about holding on to his job - he may have been warned about an upcoming cut in hours, or loss of bonuses or something.
Or he might have got a new male friend or workmate who hates women and has been filling your H up with poisonous nonsense about how women are property and need to be kept in their place - he earns the money and therefore is Head of the Household...

Pa1oma · 01/06/2018 12:50

Could it be that something has happened at work that makes him feel undermined in some way, so now he's trying to compensate by trying to assert some authority at home?

KateGrey · 01/06/2018 12:51

I would be furious! I’m a sahm. Have been for nearly 7 years as two of our children have special needs and the youngest is severely disabled. My dh is careful with money but I’d be so upset if he said what yours had to me. I think because men rarely become Sahps they think the life of one is fun, easy and involves a lot of time doing nothing and they resent having to work. My dh doesn’t get at all involved in anything more than basic stuff with the kids. I do it all! I also work from home 20 hours a week. I was the one who handled all the dla paperwork, ehcp paperwork and I do all the appointments. He can focus purely on his job. Maybe he needs to take a week off and do what you do to get some understanding.

stevesmithsmum · 01/06/2018 12:52

I think you need to be clear with him. If he ever talks to you like that again and doesn’t show you the respect you deserve as his wife and the mother of his children, the marriage is over. "Do I make myself clear?".

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 12:54

Why on earth are people suggesting OP goes "snooping" and sneaking around before she's actually tried talking to her Husband?

Forewarned is forearmed. People lie.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/06/2018 12:54

If this really is new behaviour, I'd probably start by asking him if he's worrying about money and if so, if you getting a job will help. Ask him why the sudden change, which has been hurtful and upsetting, as well as totally out of order.

However, you also say that you don't know any passwords which implies you don't have free access to finances and therefore rings warning bells for me I'm afraid. How much control/ knowledge do you have about family finances? Does he pay you an allowance, but otherwise you don't have any management of money?

I can't get my head around you buying his clothes for him I'm afraid either. He's your husband not your young son.