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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:36

We aren't struggling financially at all - that's the point!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:38

Sorry, I missed that!
Nevertheless, it's nice to earn a bit of pocket money for yourself if you have a few hours spare.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 22:38

But she really doesn't Are

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 22:38

He wants me to find a magic job that doesn't change anything about our life now

This is it. In a nutshell. Sit him down and talk him through the realities and practicalities of your going back to work. Which days he will leave early to do school pick up. Which weeks of annual leave he will devote to childcare. Which nights he will shop and cook and wash school uniform. And so on.....

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 22:38

Sure but not at the expense of the DC.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:44

But there are jobs that you can do during school hours only.
So many passive aggressive responses from posters to the wohp regarding who will do school pick ups etc
Just have a grown up conversation with your husband about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 22:48

But there are jobs that you can do during school hours only
School hours only, term time only, specific three days a week. Not so many.

And the point is money isn't actually an issue. He just wants to know that OP has no down time because he doesn't think she deserves it.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 22:52

So many passive aggressive responses from posters to the wohp regarding who will do school pick ups etc

It's not passive aggressive - it's a purely practical point. If one parent is at home and responsible for the kids, then the school stuff is that parent's responsibility. As is the after school/school holiday childcare. Where both parents work, these things have to be carefully planned and most likely shared, as very very few people have enough annual leave to cover all school holidays, or the flexibility to be at the school gates at 3.30/4 every day. So moving from one SAHP to two WOHP inevitably involves a lot of juggling between the two of you, because the previous default option will no longer be available. You have more money but more things to organise and more responsibilities to share. And that's the point that often gets overlooked.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:52

@SleepingStandingUp
1st paragraph
There are plenty. Over the years during school hours I've helped out a friend with admin for her business, been a midday supervisor, worked in a pub, ran my own business taking people for a run!,taught swimming. And that's just me.
2nd:
That is a problem I agree.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 22:55

@NataliaOsipova
My whole point is that there are jobs during school hours, it's disingenuous to suggest there isn't. Your imaginary difficult scenario is using two full time working parents. Not the case here.

lostlemon · 01/06/2018 22:58

Agree with Sleeping. Sounds like he is resentful of OPs downtime.

Is it passive aggressive for the OP to say to her DH. OK, I've got a job 3 days a week when DC are in nursery/school/care. The other 2 days I will be looking after them all day. Let's now make a list of who is doing which job - laundry, shopping, cooking, tidying, cleaning, gardening, bills, etc etc.

I would be willing to put money on the fact that OPs DH will still not view this as enough because OP is only earning 50p.

OP, your DH has been able to forward his career, have an 'easy' life from a no mental home workload view point because you at home. Fact is he doesn't respect or appreciate you. Sorry but I am another poster who would suggest having a casual look around at what is going on here.

starryeyed19 · 01/06/2018 23:01

This is nuts. The OP runs a household and looks after children. PLUS, dealing with the admin that comes with having a child with disabilities. That is a lot to do. There is no such thing as a magical job. What would be the point of her becoming a dinner lady? And supermarkets need you to work shifts, not just come in when it's convenient for you. I don't have any advice for you, OP but this is a shitty situation

corythatwas · 01/06/2018 23:02

arethereanyleft, does this not depend on the needs of the child with additional needs?

obviously going to differ from case to case, but it could for instance be that the OP needs to be on call in case of problems at school (this was very much the case for me)

it could be that she needs to organise visits to specialists and liaise with the school regarding support, it could be that she needs to spend some of her home time preparing extra resources

ime the support required for a child with SN does not magically fall into place without somebody available to advocate for it

it could also be that she is far more tired than your average parent, because additional needs usually spell harder work, so needs that time to relax in

it may even be that she gets less sleep than your average parent

all these things would need to be factored into the general picture

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 23:04

Even discounting the fact that one of those is based on knowing the right people and two of them not everyone is equipped to do (teaching ruining and swimming)be, and assuming that there are lots of lunch time supervisor jobs that only require three days a week - he only wants her to work because he thinks he she doesn't work as hard as him. Despite the fact that she's had years at home every day with a child with additional needs, does all child care except school drop off and watching til they sleep, does everything to make his life run smoothly. He doesn't think that she works hard enough so she should do more to please him.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/06/2018 23:04

I am concerned you only spent 100 on yourself all year. That would hardly buy a winter coat. What about shoes, holiday clothes, hairdresser , hobbies etc. Have you access to cash for yourself? I was a SAHM for a few years and my dh and l never counted hours we worked. Its entirely down to responsibility. He knew l was almost 100% responsible for dc all week. He was responsible for making money to support us all. As long as dc were safe and well minded and house wasn't falling down l didn't have to justify my actions.
You may need to go to marriage counselling as l would not do a job that left me 100 a year for my own personal needs.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 23:05

arethereanyleft Depends on so, so many factors. What's her marginal tax rate? Potentially it is such that any income from a "pocket money" job (anything available during school hours) wouldn't cover the car park charges, let alone half an hour on after school care! Plus - if he wants her to get a job, why should she be the one scrabbling round for things which fit round the kids and his work? Why shouldn't she go back to her previous line of work on the same basis that her DH does, i.e. seriously and with her partner's support? If you share the financial burden, you share the domestic burden.

Popc0rn · 01/06/2018 23:06

I don't really have any advice for you OP, just wanted to say YADNBU. If you made a joint decision to be a SAHM then "his" money is actually "our" money in my opinion. He's being a dick Flowers.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2018 23:11

All fair points Cory and sleeping.

I'm in agreement with you that the dh was an arse to say/think this and. Utterly disrespectful.

My little tangent/rant was just in response to the few posters who have implied getting a job during school hours (should it be required, which it isn't in the ops case) is impossible. I don't believe it is. Yes, my jobs have related to my skills, not surprisingly.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 23:13

l would not do a job that left me 100 a year for my own personal needs
Especially when she's getting £64 a week in carers that presumably goes into family funds

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/06/2018 23:14

You’re married to a piece of shit and you need to plan accordingly.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/06/2018 23:18

Where both parents work, these things have to be carefully planned and most likely shared,
Yes completely, and both parents need to take on organisational responsibility too- eg if Monday is DH’s pick-up he has to arrange an alternative if he has to work late, he can’t just assume it can default to me.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/06/2018 23:20

And also, yes, jobs for school hours and term-time only are as common as rocking-horse shit round here, even at nmw.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 23:21

Yes, my jobs have related to my skills, not surprisingly but it's also helpful to have the kind of skills that you can use like that. Not every one does. I would find it harder to find a job that fit into a 4 hour gap 3 days a week and that allowed for days off for god knows how many medical appts.
Anyway, I agree it isn't impossible but it can be very hard, and finding the energy in the few hours you have not taking care of a child with additional needs can be even harder. Op clearly does do house stuff in that time too so she either has even less hours to work our now has to do that in an evening whilst dh sits on his backside because he has a real job

NotTakenUsername · 02/06/2018 05:28

He sounds very bitter and you are being very passive aggressive.

It sounds like a horribly toxic situation and you’re seriously not going to solve anything this way.

This sums it up for me. Added to which, you don’t appreciate him and he doesn’t appreciate you. And if you are financially comfortable as a family, why have you only spent £100 on yourself all year? Are you a bit of a martyr? Or have there been subtle undertones of ‘his money’ for years and it’s only being said explicitly now? I don’t get it, something doesn’t add up.

Also, sitting with a child until they sleep, even if he is just ‘on his phone’ is still a contribution if their needs mean that this presence is required. Why did you degrade and downplay that contribution? All these little ‘nothing’ jobs are what make up parenthood.

This group of strangers you burst into tears in front of... who were they? Strangers to both of you, or just you? Did they hear your conversation or was it a bar/restaurant situation? Did your tone or attitude maybe accidentally embarrass him or make it seem like ‘he earns it and you spend it’? Did you pick the wrong or inappropriate moment to discuss it. Was it an opening to a discussion, or a ‘decision’ you announced?

If he has wanted the holiday for ages and you have been resisting, did your sudden change of heart put a bad taste in his mouth - making it seem as though you get the final say in large financial decisions? Like you had finally decided to give him ‘permission’ to have the holiday he has wanted for so long?

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 05:46

To be fair, if he takes dc to school on his way to work at 8:30, works until 6:45 and then gets the dc to bed, he isn't getting much downtime himself.

In those circumstances I think I might start feeling a bit resentful of the parent at home, who has hours of downtime 8:30-3:30, even with 3hrs of housework factored into that period.

I think it came out very unkindly, and it's awful that he made op feel as she did, and of course she works hard too, but is he not basically feeling overworked, under appreciated and like he doesn't get any time to himself? Op probably feels like that too sometimes, it's the nature of marriage, and hopefully discussion will allow them to reach some sort of accord.