Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

[Twinkletwinklelittleone]

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

NotTakenUsername

It doesn't work quite like that, though, does it? Children need to be cared for at weekends too. Children with disabilities often need to be cared for during the night. Even if the OP does take things easy on those three days, it does not mean she doesn't make an equal contribution. Any breakdown of who does what needs to start from the point of view of a seven day childcaring week.

He sounds resentful. Is he justified?

Why should he feel resentful that his wife gets a few hours break??

I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.
I can guarantee she's working more hours than he is

Sorry OP but it does sound very much like something or someone has changed his perception on things.

To be honest I'd be fairly irked if someone picked and bought my clothes for me, but it is something that you've done before and it sounds like the emphasis was more on the money rather than the picking.

Maybe have a chat and skew it to the "Are we ok financially as you've never talked about money before" then if there is no underlying financial issue you need to have the chat about how talking about his money makes you feel undervalued and doesn't recognise the large and equal non-monetary contribution you make to the household.

But personally I'd be trying to hack into his phone and FB.

NotTaken no, I can honestly say I do not watch daytime television, go for lunch, beauty treatments. I've spent about £100 maximum on things for myself all year.

What annoys me about this sort of thing is that the man would usually be doing the same job with or without the wife. So he would be working that hard anyway. He just feels badly about it in comparison to what (he thinks) you are doing, but I am sure if he swapped with you for a week he would very quickly appreciate that your "sitting around" are quite needed breaks from caring for a child with SN 24/7 including weekends, and an additional child.

Offer to go to work and he can have the kids. I'm also SAHM but only to one. DH can swap any time he wants, and I DO go for coffee and watch daytime telly. Hee knows which one of us works hardest.

What annoys me about this sort of thing is that the man would usually be doing the same job with or without the wife.

Well yes, but he’d be keeping 100% of his income.

Regarding the resentment. I don’t think he is justified but he obviously thinks he is. How do you resolve that? How much does he contribute when he comes home? Overnight?

Does he see you work hard, or is it all pretty chilled in the house by the time daddy’s home?

Are you extremely competent? Do you make it look easy? I don’t personally think his head has been turned.

I wonder if he is hyper vigilant about money as the reality of having a disabled child is finally hitting home. That your child will be financially dependent long after another might be earning and self sufficient? Maybe it’s just hitting him after the holidays how hard things are for you day to day? Maybe he found it exhausting and the idea of another holiday fills him with dread?

My XH left very suddenly DC were 1 and 3. 3 year old very high needs went on to get Autism diagnosis and has needed full time 1-1 since preschool so I can fully understand that jobs and childcare aren't things that land in your lap.

In XH case, the snappyness happened then it turned out to be another women.

I don't regret not snooping. If things have deteriorated to that point its a consideration, whether something is happening or not things are in a bad place.

The only thing I regret is not having a stable financial position for myself and my DC. Over a decade on I'm remarried another DC and financially we are stable, as a family but also DH2 and I individually. All money is shared, one pot but we both have access and ability to buy things.

My two pence worth would be look at your finances. What monies are in whose name. Look at property deeds, pensions, life policies even tv licence. Your name needs to be there. If he gets hit by a bus, walks out, is sick where do you stand?

Being a SAHP to school aged children is a piece of cake compared to being the only earner and having to finance everything.

It doesn't take all day every day to iron, clean and cook. I'd be resentful if DH wasn't working and was home whist I had no choice. Its stressful being the only earner and resentment easily breeds.

He's obviously unhappy with the status quo at present so you need to behave like adults and talk about it. He may want you to gain work now they are at school or swap and he gets the chance to be home.

He's one of tit for tat twats. 'Oh, you're getting more than X, Y or Z than I! It's not fair! I'm not being appreciated for doing what every adult who isn't independently wealthy does! Waaa!'

So not only are you supposed to do all the lifework, including care for disabled child, but also worship at his alter because he works.

I'd ask how he proposes to take over an appropriate share of the lifework if you go back to work because in his world he thinks you should magic up a job for 3 days a week that in no way put any responsibility on his and still expect you to do everything else.

I had a boyfriend like this. Banged on and on about 'earning one's crust' and 'contributing' but funny he never extended that to himself when it came to pulling his weight in the home. Fuck that. I left.

Did you say that you used to work? Do you miss it? If you do, then sit him down and have a serious discussion about him cutting back hours and doing more at home and you going to work for couple of days.

I know this is all theory, but if you show you are serious and he's still a dick then he's talking rubbish. There's something else going on.

He may want you to gain work now they are at school
That magical job that's 3 days ac week in school time...

They have a disabled child, Boxsets.

'That magical job that's 3 days ac week in school time...'

Yes, because when in the past she brought up outside employment and his having to step up to look after his kids and home he dropped the subject. Funny that.

It doesn't take all day every day to iron, clean and cook
But OP doesn't have all day every day. She has what, 9.30-3 three days a week, minus brands breaks so that's 13'5 hours when she doesn't have the kids nd could be reasonably expected to work. The treat f the time she's looking after two children, one with additional needs.

I'd be resentful if DH wasn't working and was home whist I had no choice
What choice does OP have exactly?? He isn't offering to swap, he just wants OP to have no free time

If there’s a job that gives you 1hour breaks on a 5.5hour shift then sign me up! I used to work a job that you only ‘earned’ 15minutes break after 4hours, or 30 minutes after 6...

And in that 13.5 hours, the OP is entitled to have a rest too!!

It does sound to me like he's resentful about something. I'm not saying he's justified at all, but do you mix with lots of people where both parents work? Maybe he doesn't see what you do as normal.

Maybe he's seeing the long term future and stressing about money as your children grow up?

Maybe he feels like another holiday is too extravagant and it didn't come out well?

Maybe he doesn't appreciate the level of sen your child has and feels like you should be prepared to at least try after school care? I know lots of people feel that their children couldn't possibly cope when care providers are meant to make the same adjustments as schools do, and sen isn't always the carrier you assume it's going to be. Fully appreciate though that that's not always the case and childcare for children with additional needs can be tricky,

I guess I'm saying that there might be something to unpick and sulking or refusing to speak, or handing out invoices, will only harden his resolve that you just don't get it.

Meaning all this in the kindest way xx

If there’s a job that gives you 1hour breaks on a 5.5hour shift then sign me up!
But OP is working from what, 7.30/8 am when the kids get up and DH is out for work until what time at night? She gets the kids at 3.30 and has dinner on the table for six? So even if that's the last job and the rest is shared that's a 10 hour day. So ah hour break is hardly unreasonable whether she takes it as that or smaller breaks. MANY jobs also enable you to take a walk to the kitchen to make a drink, have a wee without being stared at etc so even if you think she should only have a 30 minute break and a couple of 3 minute wee/drink breaks that's only an extra hr of so a week. So he thinks she gets max 15 hours a week when she isn't doing full time child care and can get breeds changed, his clothes ironed, dinners prepped etc and he's sulking? He needs to open up or grow up.

Fucking hell. He sounds horrific. Have you tried bringing it up in a neutral setting to see what's up? Although even if there is there's no excuse at all for him behaving like that.

I think it is quite obvious that he is no longer content to be the breadwinner and, although he has handled it badly, he is right to raise it.

You need a proper discussion about how you working would impact the whole family and what concessions he would have to make to facilitate it.

He may conclude that it's better for everyone for you to remain a sahm, or you may find a compromise or a way forward.

If the contempt is left unaddressed it will result in a separation anyway, and you'd have to find a way to work then.

When my xh started objecting to me being a sahm it was because there was an ow telling him she managed to work full time, look after three dc and maintain a house all by herself. I think I must have looked lazy in comparison even though it was a joint decision, made all of our lives easier and he had never ever raised anything like an objection.

I hope you find a way through it all op, entirely possible if you both want to.

When my xh started objecting to me being a sahm it was because there was an ow telling him
Surely the issue here is that he was having an affair, not that you're ex was justified in feeling resentful that he was the breadwinner

Well yes, that's why he's an ex. Just offering a possible explanation for why a dh previously content to be the breadwinner might suddenly not be.

But he doesn't just get to say 'right now, back to work' when he has been cheerfully benefiting from having his wife at home for five years. He can raise it, but speaking to his wife with contempt as if she has been milking him for money for years is out of order regardless of his change of opinion.

He can raise it, but speaking to his wife with contempt as if she has been milking him for money for years is out of order regardless of his change of opinion.

It is out of order, but in a good relationship there needs to be a healthy dose of grace and forgiveness on both sides, as we all have the capacity to be a bit out of order at times. Otherwise, no relationship at all would stand the test of time, and the divorce rate would be 100%!