Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

[Twinkletwinklelittleone]

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

NotTakenUsername

It isn't at all childish. He is the one who has something he wants to change. He is the one who has been rude. He is the one who needs to instigate the solution. The OP will not benefit by making the running to someone who - frankly - sounds like a bully.

But, as far as he's concerned, he has instigated a solution : get a paid job during school hours.

If I were op I'd be saying that I'd start looking once we'd agreed a fair division of leisure time.

Then, in a few weeks, she will have a much better idea of whether such jobs exist (as opposed to guessing). If he's not happy with the speed in which it's possible to find such a job, pass the task to him.

A weekend job has already been suggested but I think dismissed because op would then be working six days.

RainySeptember

And I would want an apology before I started trying to solve his problems.

FGS the OP just made a comment about getting the travel bug. Her husband was rude, arrogant and dismissive. He is treating her like an errant employee/housekeeper who is not worthy of HIS remuneration not as his cherished partner. I think the OP spends very little on her self despite being financially comfortable as a family because somewhere deep inside she know he is resentful of the situation and it has been building and that is why she cried.

I imagine that he's a bully - certainly if his disregard and putdowns of his partner's contribution are any indication.

Not good news OP - if it were me, I would start covertly getting across all of the finances - what accounts, numbers, passwords, balances, statements. Collate printouts just in case. I would also think about what happens if we split - what would that mean for me? Get my head around it.

Because it's impossible to have a respectful relationship with a bully. And his behaviour is bullying from what you describe. And what he will do, if you start to separate out, is cut off your access to finances - as a way to coerce you to do what he wants you to do - i.e. put up and shut up or leave quietly. So you need to act astutely. The relationships board can probably assist as well.

Also check out Womensaid and have a discrete chat with someone they recommend to get some expert third party input from them plus an experienced lawyer, without him knowing at this stage.

Get more outside input without him at this stage and then see. If he's a bully, joint counselling is not recommended. It sucks you have to do all this but it is your future that needs attention, not his.

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that this behaviour is out of character. That is why the op is so confused.

If he has only behaved this way twice in 15 years, I would certainly be trying to understand him instead of playing childish mind games.

Pengwwwn, I think he has apologised. Well, op said he knew how much he'd upset her and was 'doing his best to smooth things over'.

She also said he'd never expressed any dissatisfaction with the sahm arrangement before, or displayed this mean attitude towards 'his' money. So I'm not sure a day of bad behaviour can be called bullying, although certainly not his finest hour and obviously quite unpleasantly revealing his previously-hidden thoughts on the matter.

I'd also be sorting paperwork and trying to get to the bottom of this seemingly sudden change of heart.

RainySeptember

It's a bullying attitude. 'My' this and 'you're not' that. I would expect an apology, not 'best behaviour' - he isn't a child.

Tell him he is right looking after 2 children is easy so tomorrow your going to let him do it ALL.
You will be getting up at what ever time he normally does on a sunday... he can cook sort the children and you will copy his routine...

But really is it out of character or is the mask just starting to slip a little?

All ex wives didn't choose to marry utter bastards did they?