Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

[Twinkletwinklelittleone]

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with an OW. My DH bought 2 sports cars in a year when he turned 47 and everyone joked it was a mid-life crisis. He has never been weird about money fortunately (otherwise I would not SAH), but they do sometimes go a bit weird mid-40s because they feel like they're getting older and maybe a bit anxious about their role in life and if anyone appreciates them?

Sorry, I didn't mean I didn't have access to finances - I do. I meant that I have no access to any email, WhatsApp, facebook, to look for OW.

You can't look on his phone? Is that new?

I agree you need to talk.

But 'snooping' could mean you are forewarned. Knowledge is power. .

There could be so many reasons. Doesn't have to be an affair. But these comments out of the blue after 16 years have most likely been triggered by something.

Your DH is on Facebook and you can't see his contacts?

I agree with pp that someone is putting new ideas in his head, or he is comparing you to someone else.

There's also the chance that he's under pressure financially or worried about his job, making him snap and question every time unnecessary money is spent

peng He has his friends hidden on facebook but then again lots of people do.

I hide my friends from public view but not from my friends.

Anyway, sounds cagey to me.

His friends are hidden from his friends..? Are there any other yellow flags?

I've just confronted him about it and he says he doesnt think it's fair that I get to 'sit around' at home for 3 days a week. He also said that I don't appreciate him going to work. I said to him just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't. When does he ever say that he appreciates me for doing everything that I do to support him, the children and the home?

At least he has expressed his resentment.There is likely to be a trigger if his attitude is new.

What does he think you both need to do?

I don't know. He seems to be making it all about appreciating him, etc, but then saying that I don't do anything all day - how is that appreciating me? He doesn't seem to have a solution...just twisting things that I've previously said :(

Looking at this from another perspective but perhaps he is very unhappy at work right now and is taking it out on you to some extent (not saying this is right at all)

I think if I was in your situation I would sit down once the kids were in bed and have a proper chat with him and find out why he feels this way and get to the bottom of the bad feeling and work on a solution.

What's the gap between what you do at home three days a week and what he believes you do?

peng He believes that everything happens by magic - his work shirts are ironed, the meals are made, homework is completed, school lunches are made, the house is magically tidy, etc, etc,

Is he showing signs of burnout? I am the main breadwinner and I know if I start getting resentful of the responsibility it is usually a sign I am getting very stressed or exhausted by crap at work.

Has he ever looked after the DC on his own for a day or two? Does he actually understand what you do?

Are you a SAHM or do you work part-time? Why are the three days the issue? Is it because you don't have childcare to do on those days?

Before you start LTB or anything else suggested here why don’t you just talk to him?

Peng Yes, those are the days that both DC are at school. I don't know where this magic job will come from for only those days and only in school hours....

This reminds a bit of the early days of having a baby when you are both knackered and you are looking for the other person to cut you some slack and allow you to rest and they are looking for you to do exactly the same.

It sounds like you are both feeling unappreciated by the other. Possibly because you are both under pressure and so are looking for your spouse to recognise the fact when they are so under pressure too that they can't see your point.

You both need to find a way to recognise each others contribution. Being the main breadwinner is stressful especially if there are issues at work. Running the household is also stressful especially when you have DC with SN. He doesn't get to discount your contribution to make his seem more important.

Twinkletwinklelittleone

Well, if a job like that did exist, would you want to do it?

There's ob something going on with him.

Not defending him but it is a massive pressure being the sole wage earner. I was and dh was sahd. And just the mental pressure felt huge

He needs to explain his behaviour and mostly his words. We are 11 years down the line and have both at various times been the earner and the carer as we have a disabled child. It is difficult on both sides but never to the point that we treat each other as a verbal punchbag. DS2 specialist respite is £25 an hour plus expenses and he is physically exhausting to care for and often unable to go to special school. I would not be able to cope with a partner who did not understand this, worse would be if they were jealous of my time. I would rather be a single parent.

Twinkletwinklelittleone, be very, very honest with yourself here.
Do you contribute to the home exclusively and diligently for the three days your dc are in school?
Do you work as you would if you were employed? Do you take reasonable breaks, comparable to what your husband gets in a day?
Do you ever watch daytime telly, get beauty treatments, have lunchdates with friends or anything else pleasurable, or do you fully contribute to the home 100%?
He sounds resentful. Is he justified?

they do sometimes go a bit weird mid-40s because they feel like they're getting older and maybe a bit anxious about their role in life and if anyone appreciates them?

What a load of bollocks!

I am a single parent and I also work fulltime so I get the stress of being the main breadwinner - i usually have one or both DC as they don’t have a contact schedule with their dad.
The thing is the time you have ‘to yourself’ is probably spent on chores, grocery shopping, all these things which mean you can actually talk to each other in the evening and spend time as a family at the weekend. If you were at work, chores would have to be shared and things would need to be done at the weekend. All perfectly do-able, but he would need to take more on.

And you would probably still get ‘but I work more/earn more/have more pressure’. So it would not solve the problem, really.

Maybe find a weekend away for something though and leave him to look after the DC?