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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
CaveDivingbelle · 30/05/2018 19:26

This is weird. What happens when the baby appears?? Its not normal.

PlainWhiteTee · 30/05/2018 19:35

STBXH and I separated over his similar behaviour. It was lovely at first and I felt so special, but after DCs were born it just got worse and while he wouldn't tell me I couldn't go out, he made it so difficult practically and emotionally that I'd end up not going, and then my friends stopped asking me to go out and he was happy.

We eventually went for counselling when I couldn't handle it any longer and he couldn't understand why I'd want to go out when he felt we had everything we needed under our own roof and shouldn't need anyone else.

I'm not saying you're where I was OP, but there was a gradual erosion of my freedoms and it took me years to notice it,

Jenna43 · 30/05/2018 20:07

OP my ex was a bit like your DP during our relationship but on a much smaller scale. When I had our child and couldn't give him the attention he wanted/needed, he soon got his fix elsewhere. These people need attention the same as they need air, please be wary.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 30/05/2018 20:27

Op are you really just not seeing g what the rest of us are?
He has dropped his friend, family,is jealous of your past,anyone you may know at work.What ever you are planning to do when the baby is born he will want you to be a SAHM.You will slowly become isolated because he wants you on your own.
This has happened to others before who thought it couldn't.
Please listen.

NotMyFinestMoment · 30/05/2018 20:27

You have to essentially train him in the way you train a puppy (and that is not meant in a disrespectful way). Please only message me du ring my lunch break and if I am free, I will text/call you back. Tell him that I cannot keep contacting you during periods when I am on work time otherwise I will be fired (set your phone to silent so you can enforce this by totally ignoring his calls and texts outside of these times). Advise that you are pregnant and uncomfortable ALL of the time, therefore you appreciate the foot rubs and massages, however, you will let him know when you want to instigate things and that includes sex. It might help you to see if you can get him some kind of daddy pregnancy/bible literature concerning what a pregnant women is experiencing and how he should be helping you on a more practical basis. Rather than wanting to get jiggy with you when you're potentially feeling sick, uncomfortable, tired, sensitive and potentially exhausted. Just be firm and tell him that it's not personal, every man goes through this with a pregnant partner and you need some space. I think he's just genuinely delighted and all loved up that he's created this new life and it's made him closer to you.

Returnofthesmileybar · 30/05/2018 20:38

I'll get flamed for this but my first thoughts after reading your updates was:

Oh we'll read about you on the front of the paper one day, you won't be around to read it though.

Not nice but he sounds like one of those lunatics that murders his family and then himself and leaves a note about how they all need to be together.

FYI: someone not being violent and not saying anything when you go out with your friends are not reason to stay with a physco

Motoko · 30/05/2018 20:46

OP, how did it go today regarding texting you at work?

LovelyStrides · 30/05/2018 21:02

Crikey! If your friends have noticed and his family are wondering what is going on I'd be telling them all about it. You need an escape plan just in case. I can't see it getting better as his attention towards is ramping up even more. Stay safe op.

speakout · 30/05/2018 21:16

OP I am sorry but I agree with Returnofthesmileybar .

I find his obsession quite terrifying- flattering while you are together, but could you imagine if you broke up? He could turn out to be something quite awful.

I would be planning my escape plan.

Mildred007 · 30/05/2018 21:25

The more I read your posts op the more I can relate. Lots of others have given you advice on how to deal with/talk to him about it, please do because further down the line if you're like me you may feel trapped. Don't get me wrong I love my dp & when things are good we are great & I'm happy but I do find it exhausting. I feel guilty quite often for unknowingly/unintentionally upsetting him, wary of talking to other men, avoid certain topics of conversation, get told I don't prioritise him enough etc etc. It's hard work. Flowers

iamawoman · 30/05/2018 21:45

Ditto smileybar-man often portrayed as loving family man-kept themselves to themselves etc-there doesnt have to be violence...you are an object to him to serve his needs / ideals, not a person with independent thought. Honestly he sounds much more scarier than someone who is physically violent

ChasedByBees · 30/05/2018 22:09

It does sound obsessive, which is very different to love. It’s all part of the same jealousy issue which could be a serious problem. You need to deal with this.

Don’t show gratitude for all these ‘lovely’ gestures when you’ve told him you don’t want them. Just repeat that they are unnecessary. Encourage him to meet with friends and family and make sure you do the same.

TheSecretMole · 30/05/2018 22:53

I’m sorry OP, but this sounds way too intense to me. Something has to change, but I’m not sure he’s able to...

ReanimatedSGB · 30/05/2018 23:11

Are you on good terms with his family/mutual friends? If there is an escalation that is worrying the rest of them, it might actually be worth involving them; having them come round and speak to him and be blunt about the fact that he is behaving like a knob, they are all concerned for his mental health and that you are sick to fucking death of it.
If this is some kind of developing mental illness then there is a chance that it might respond to treatment. Also, having other people in the house and in your lives is going to be useful for you if he can't or won't change his behaviour, because then you will have a source of support when if you have to leave him or throw him out, and these people will know that he is controlling and abusive (and/or mentally ill) rather than buying into the dangerous bullshit that he is a 'nice' man who 'just really loves you'.

JamPasty · 30/05/2018 23:23

His behaviour is seriously not-normal. It reads like the kind of backstory you see in the papers after some bloke has done something really horrific to his partner and/or kids.

busybarbara · 30/05/2018 23:33

Maybe he has Williams Syndrome. That's basically the opposite of autism where someone has far too much empathy and emotional connection to other people.

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 23:35

He sounds awful , that’s not normal behaviour .

RedDwarves · 30/05/2018 23:46

I agree that it sounds like the backstory to a family annihilator. That might sound extreme, but I can promise you his behaviour is not normal in the slightest. It has already escalated in the time you've been together, and kicked up a notch again when you got pregnant (hallmark of the abuser). It's not going to deescalate, but will likely be the precursor to something far worse.

colditz · 30/05/2018 23:52

Ffs busybarbara if he had Williams Syndrome, the op would know. It’s like saying “maybe he has Downs Syndrome, they’re often short”. Don’t be so dumb.

Jux · 30/05/2018 23:58

Not a healthy relationship to bring a baby into.

jedenfalls · 31/05/2018 00:02

I agree that it sounds like the backstory to a family annihilator

Totally agree. It is NOT sweet. It is NOT romantic.

He sees you as a thing. That he owns. He can’t see you as an actual person at all.

The more you post the worse,he sounds.

Get the fuck outta dodge. And do the freedom programme as you go.

3333hh44 · 31/05/2018 00:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3261257-To-think-Im-not-a-tart-and-tell-him-to-fuck-off

Op, this could be you further down the line. Read and take note.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/05/2018 08:04

DP is scary and she should run for the hills, but she is having his baby and he is entitled to time with the child

Not if she leaves before giving birth and his name is not on the birth certificate.

MsJinglyJones · 31/05/2018 10:01

where someone has far too much empathy and emotional connection to other people.

But Barbara that's not this man at all - he has zero empathy and doesn't notice or care that OP doesn't like sitting there looking at the photo albums AGAIN, being bugged with texts or being physically pestered. If she says no he gets upset/cries to get his way. If he had empathy he's care about her feelings too.

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