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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
misscarlar · 30/05/2018 16:23

going to come at this from a completly different angle, however
this behavour can be seen frequently in the Fet scene, although viewed my many 'vanilla' people as strange the dominant/submissive/ slave lifestyle sounds like a perfect match to the individual. i'd recommend signing up to Fetlife- a facebook of the fettish world, or at least looking more into this community, perhaps seeking a local munch. If you want to stay with him this may help him understand his needs more and how they effect others since you're his first, and it ay also help you with coping with this. if you do decide to split up then he'll have a healthy outlet and other like-minded people to rely upon.

Yamayo · 30/05/2018 16:27

OP do you have male friends? How does he react when you go out with them?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/05/2018 16:38

He has a very unhealthy mind, be careful not to push him over the edge, all I can hear is, if I can't have you, no one else can .....
Definitely raise this latest stuff, at your next counselling meeting,
Look after yourself OP, and your little baby.🌸

yolofish · 30/05/2018 16:47

He does sound very suffocating, clingy and irritating. Would he back off if you laid it down the line: back off, let me be, let me breathe/read a book/pick my nose? If tears then just ignore and carry on through.

I would def bin the photo album sessions, who the fuck has the time for that?!
If he doesnt get the message then I would consider going home to mum/friend etc for a few days and see what happens. Awful to be in this situation when you are pregnant - I would send flowers but think prob not the best idea!

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2018 17:36

misscarlar wtf?

MsJinglyJones · 30/05/2018 17:48

Some fetish types may like to behave like this, but it's vastly more likely he's a controlling needy type.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/05/2018 17:50

Misscarlar, while there are a few fucking idiots in the fetish world, most people who like kink, even the daft ones who take high protocol D/S seriously, would consider this man to be creepy, controlling and a loser.

Rachie1973 · 30/05/2018 18:17

misscarlar
i'd recommend signing up to Fetlife- a facebook of the fettish world, or at least looking more into this community, perhaps seeking a local munch

Are you having a laugh? I'm not going into my sex life, but as a fetlife member I can only say 'NO'! Its not a bloody therapy group. The man has jealousy issues regarding partners from over 4 years ago! How on earth would you think he would cope at a bloody Munch??

Thumbcat · 30/05/2018 18:18

Like previous posters I've also been here, initially flattered and in the end needing the police to intervene in order to get away. Things will only go smoothly while you submit to what he wants, after that you will need to take precautions to keep you and your baby safe.

Roussette · 30/05/2018 18:40

This guy has all the hallmarks of a stalker. That article just upthread tells you all you need to know. What starts of as undying love, ends up as obsession and not letting go. I had a BF a long time ago who was just like your DP, OP.

Started off with love bombing, then continual contact on and on and on, then jealousy of anything from my past, then trying to make me jealous with made up crap, always having to be right, engineering arguments, being obsessively in love with me.

One thing he did (please don't tell me your DP does this...) he used to keep himself awake at night so he could stare at me and watch me because he was so in love. Yes seriously! Can you imagine how fucking terrifying it was to stir in the middle of the night, open one eye and find someone staring at you?

The end was nasty, I won't go into details but it was very bad and frightened me.

Stand up for yourself NOW. Turn down the photo stuff, the calls at work, the incessant mauling you. I can't say whether you should leave him or not, only you will know that from reading this thread. However, you should stop his ridiculous behaviour by telling him very very firmly.

ToffeeUp · 30/05/2018 18:42

He is making sure he is the centre of your attention, both in a physical way (massage, hair stroking, sex, even the photo album) and an emotional way (tears, declarations of love, jealousy) Like a bird in a cage. It is not a normal way to live.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 30/05/2018 18:49

Thanks for all the replies, still going through it all and trying to make sense of it all. No, I haven't confided in anyone in the real world although a few people have picked up on it, whenever we do go out together, friends and family would often comment on the way he stares at me and speaks about me, almost like a school boy. This still happens 4 years later. I just take it as a compliment.

TBH leaving him hasn't crossed my mind - I do love him, he's never been violent towards me, has never denied me going out or anything like that. He does sulk a bit and seems to just get genuinely upset over the fact that sitting in every weekend with him is not enough for me nor healthy.

His texting and calls during work time has gotten much more intense during pregnancy.. well, it was always intense, but it's definitely gotten worse. I'll have a proper talk with him tomorrow although I've told him a fair few times lately that I need some space but he doesn't seem to let on. He's also starting to ignore his family, they keep calling me asking how he is as he has just lost almost every interest in everyone that isn't me. It baffles me as he used to be very social.

OP posts:
WeirdyMcBeardy · 30/05/2018 18:53

Sounds much more like obsession than love! It's not normal and utterly suffocating. I couldnt stand this level of constant contact and affection, it would drive me mad. The jealousy and tears are huge red flags tbh.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 18:55

Suffocating, manipulative, possessive, jealous, controlling behaviour.

This could escalate massively. It’s not normal.

He sulks? That’s so fucking childish.

speakout · 30/05/2018 18:57

I'm sorry OP but this would send out a million alarm bells to me.

He sounds like the type of guy who could do something really seriously bad.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 30/05/2018 18:58

I can honestly say that your updates are making my spine tingle OP. Please please find someone to talk this through with in RL. Your Mum, a friend, even your midwife. This isn't normal, and what worries me is that this could escalate once you've given birth and are feeling more vulnerable than usual. I'd be very keen to deal with this well before your baby arrives...............

TheSassyAssassin · 30/05/2018 19:00

Talk to him by all means but you def need to raise this at your next counselling session! And try and find someone IRL that you can confide in who will help you stay strong in however you choose to work this out. You need someone you can lean on OP. You can chat here but having someone physically there for you is going to be important I think!

colouringinagain · 30/05/2018 19:01

OP another mumsnetter who's very concerned for you.

Do you have a friend irl you could talk about this with, maybe just show them the thread?

iamawoman · 30/05/2018 19:03

Jealous , possessive,controlling, charming, romantic.......he has all the traits of a typical abuser.. pattern of behaviour usually escalates once children are involved .....ypu love him...you wont leave at the moment until it gets much worse ....but you really need to...

RideOn · 30/05/2018 19:04

Echobelly Wed 30-May-18 09:53:00

I think his reaction to discussing things will tell you a lot.

Eg, a healthy response would be 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea, I just wanted to show you that I cared and that I'll be a good dad but I've got it wrong, what can I do to make things right?' ie, wanting to listen to you

A poor one would be 'But it's only because I love you, I'm just sorry you don't love me as much' ie Shutting you down and making you feel bad.

This ^^

Dsc1907 · 30/05/2018 19:05

The "jealousy" described here is a control tactic.

I would be extremely wary of "couples counselling". These a his issues, that he needs to take responsibility for and address on his own. As others have said, unless the counsellor is one of the rare ones to be clued up on abuse he's likely to end up shifting the blame onto you with their endorsement.

Let him go to therapy on his own. Get yourself a place on the Freedom Programme. Whether or not you intend to listen to the advice here about leaving him, it will help you understand what he's doing, how incredibly unacceptable, abnormal, and abusive it is - and how a regular human being should behave towards you.

As for the poster who said he's "not controlling" because the op is "free" to go to work - of course he is. Coercive control doesn't mean someone has you chained in the basement, it means you have to radically change your own behaviour because you're afraid of their reaction or their actions limit what you can do; become afraid to say no; have to curtail your activities because of incessant texts, phone calls, etc; stop going out or standing up for yourself because he cries; stop socialising with men because he gets "jealous"; give up your job and lose your friends because he keeps you endlessly pregnant to get his "big family"....

The whole point of it is that to people who don't understand abuse, the individual aspects or incidents viewed in isolation can be brushed off as trivial. You have to look at the bigger picture and the consequences.

ToffeeUp · 30/05/2018 19:10

Please talk to your parents or friends. They have picked up on it and mentioned it to you, I very much doubt they see it as a compliment. I think they are quite worried about you.

stayhomeclub · 30/05/2018 19:14

Just be very wary OP, talk to your midwife.

Men like this often turn around and blame you, they’re just a ‘nice guy who wants to treat you right’. So it’s your fault that you don’t accept what every woman really wants, that you don’t accept the love of a nice man, so there is something wrong with you. You don’t know how lucky you are...You must have another man, you must be one of those dumb women that likes bad guys, you don’t love him properly and on and on...

There is no respect for your thoughts or views, be careful not to just pay the part of the dutiful wife to keep the peace.

Yamayo · 30/05/2018 19:14

OP you haven't said if you have male friends and if so whether or not he minds you socialising with them.

Crunchymum · 30/05/2018 19:21

I think you need to mention this to his parents and your friends.....

You seem very conditioned that this is normal - it isn't.

And that is how abuse works.....

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