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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
speakout · 31/05/2018 10:10

Also this man has cut off most communication with his own family- not much empathy there.

I would suggest he has a complete lack of empathy all around- he's not being very sensitive to the OPs feelings.

He has a disturbing lack of empathy- which is why I think he is dangerous.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2018 10:23

OP who's idea was it to get married and have a baby? I'm guessing him?

Motoko · 31/05/2018 10:38

@frogsinthepond

Did he respect your request not to keep texting you at work yesterday?

MustShowDH · 31/05/2018 18:04

I hope the counselling goes well and gives you the confidence to do whatever is right for you - whatever that ends up being.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/06/2018 00:20

Reading this whole thread has made me feel sick. This really is very far from normal. I don’t know how the OP stands it.🤮

AhoyDelBoy · 01/06/2018 12:23
Blush
Flisspaps · 01/06/2018 22:20

I'm concerned for the OP, I am worried her OH has found this post.

His levels of obsession are far from normal. I agree with others who say this often ends up as the backstory to a murder preceded by domestic abuse.

Glovesick · 01/06/2018 22:40

Couples counselling?

Could you get him to go to help you to cope with being a mum and wife? Or any other reason that doesn't imply criticism of him?

Needs to be sorted asap but awful timing to make such a big decision when pregnant . Stay strong Flowers

AhoyDelBoy · 02/06/2018 01:07

@Flisspaps
Yes, hope she's ok another sly bump this thread is very concerning. I will check now what OP's last update was.

Seeingadistance · 02/06/2018 01:30

I'm also concerned about the OP, and I did wonder if he might have seen this thread. I hope she's ok.

Doingreat · 02/06/2018 02:20

I think she's probably as overwhelmed by all the responses on here as she is by her husband's obsessive behaviour. I have a feeling that's why she hasn't updated in a while.

Hope she's ok.

AgentJohnson · 02/06/2018 04:48

It sounds like your pregnancy was an escalation trigger and I suspect the birth will be another. You need RL support, whatever is going on with your H it isn’t about you but you are the target for his issues.

AgentJohnson · 02/06/2018 04:57

You know ‘being treated right’ isn’t about you when your feelings and opinions don’t count. He’s defined what ‘romance’ is in your relationship and your job is to accept it and play the game. His definition of ‘romance’ is about his needs being met, not yours.

Unfortunately, when your baby arrives it’s very likely that the child and it’s care will be the new target for his issues and just like with you, he will start small but the need for control will increase.

Sleephead1 · 02/06/2018 05:21

I'm really unromantic and don't like the lovey dovey stuff so it just sounds so uncomftable to me. You need to tell him it's far to much seriously what is he going to do when baby is here you will be giving baby most of your attention how will he cope? The work thing are you both allowed to use your phone that much ? could you say your manager has spoken to you about phone use ?

mathanxiety · 02/06/2018 05:33

This is extremely worrying.

He will not be able to cope when the baby needs every bit of your attention.

For your part, you are going to want to bash his head in with a cricket bat if he goes near you for a cuddle after 57 straight hours of breastfeeding/burping the baby/carrying/rocking the baby/nappy changing.

His flowers will go untended to. His love letters will make you spit nails. You will spill strong black coffee all over the lovingly curated photos. What happens when life starts to take place on the baby's terms?

Something is very wrong with this man.

nursy1 · 02/06/2018 05:41

op. You say you love him and are happy about some aspects of the relationship. You are married with a baby on the way so if you want to make the marriage work then fair enough
The counselling is a good idea because this is not normal. You have to talk about all of this in the round.
Confide your fears to his family and explain what’s happening. This “ just the two of you” is normalising his behaviour - it’s not normal.
The prospect of a baby on the way is a stressor which can lead to MH issues.

SlightlyJaded · 03/06/2018 15:16

What Agentjohnson said.

This behaviour has nothing to do with romance or making you feel good. HIS need is for an all consuming relationship where it’s just the two of you against the world. HIS need is being met and it’s all lovely. The minutes you pull against him and ask for YOUR needs to be met (breathing space/social life etc). HE sulks.

This is not YOUR version of an ideal relationship so he I showing you no love or respect really.

As an aside, gushing over the same photo albums over and over again is a bit unhinged.

AllMYSmellySocks · 03/06/2018 15:22

You need RL support, whatever is going on with your H it isn’t about you but you are the target for his issues.

Exactly this. Perhaps he's escalating and will eventually become abusive, perhaps he had some other emotional or psychological issues but it's definitely not about you!

Looby4 · 03/06/2018 16:51

@frogsinthepond are you ok? I am concerned like @Seeingadistance and @AhoyDelBoy that your DH has seen this? I hope all's well?

ApolloandDaphne · 03/06/2018 17:05

He sounds like he is obsessed with you. I do hope you are ok OP.

bubbles108 · 03/06/2018 18:09

See a counsellor together and then back off and leave him with the Counsellor

There is something very very very wrong here

Get it sorted before baby. And stop enabling him

bubbles108 · 03/06/2018 18:09

See a counsellor together and then back off and leave him with the Counsellor

There is something very very very wrong here

Get it sorted before baby. And stop enabling him

Flisspaps · 04/06/2018 07:51

@Glovesick and @bubbles108

Couples counselling is not recommended where the partner is abusive.

OP's husband is abusive.

He isn't a lovesick teenage boy, he is a controlling man. Jailer, sexual controller and headworker if you want to look at him through Freedom Programme eyes.

bubbles108 · 04/06/2018 12:39

Couples counselling is not recommended where the partner is abusive.

I agree

I wonder , though, if getting him to counselling and then backing off , might be useful all round?

CoraPirbright · 04/06/2018 13:21

Hope you’re ok OP. Reading everything that everyone has said must be pretty overwhelming. Hope you’re taking time to consider your options and mull over what you want.