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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
MothershipG · 29/05/2018 22:31

How is he going to cope when the baby comes and he won't be centre of your world any more? When the baby has been cluster feeding or clingy and you're all touched out? Sex several times a month, never mind a day , probably won't be on the cards for a while.

You're already asking him to stop spending so much and he's not listening. So let's face it he's not buying stuff for you anymore but to fulfill an image he has of himself or wants to project.

Have you discussed what life with a child will really be like? Because the messy reality won't be like any romanticised version he may be imagining.

Baubletrouble43 · 29/05/2018 22:31

Yeah... I've dumped guys who show signs of being like this. Its horrendous. No advice sorry. Maybe if you are first with the big romantic gestures it'll sate him a bit and calm him down? Or just tell him its pissing you off??

BuntyII · 29/05/2018 22:32

Yeah it's not usual. You wanted a partner not a puppy dog. It's like you have a stalker in your own home.

Baubletrouble43 · 29/05/2018 22:32

btw you aren't an ungrateful bitch. I'd have snapped and told him to fuck off long ago.

Notveryladylike · 29/05/2018 22:33

I might be wrong but this sounds like he is using all these things as a control method. To make sure all your attention is on him at all times. What will he do when your baby comes and you don't have time for it all? The fact he is making you feel guilty about wanting to do anything alone is a massive red flag!

elephantscanring · 29/05/2018 22:34

Tel him if he really loved you, he’d want to do what made you happy - which is stopping all this! Stop ring8ng you all the t8me.
Stop buying flowers.
Stop pestering.

Tell him how suffocating you find it.

See what his reaction is.

Honestly, op, I would hate this and i’d be running for the hills. Red flags everywhere.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 29/05/2018 22:35

How old is he? I might be able to sort of get it if he’s 17 or something but honestly it’s just as creepy as fuck.

By six or seven months pregnant I couldn’t bear my children touching me, let alone my DH (who is lovely). I’ve no idea how you’re not screaming at him to leave you the fuck alone.

Echobelly · 29/05/2018 22:35

I worry a bit about his friends falling away. I'm not going to rush to pathologise his behaviour, though, that's not for any of us to say this must mean he is X or Y.

I think maybe couch this out of concern for him, perhaps? Focus on what he should do for himself, as opposed to what to stop doing for you? eg 'I love you too but I am worried that you don't seem to see your friends any more. To be a good partner and a good dad you need to have a life outside our home and family'

Skittlesandbeer · 29/05/2018 22:37

Frankly, I’d take him off to counselling. The only way to know if it is a worrying behaviour (that could get worse in time, or affect your kid) or just something in his childhood that needs a slight adjustment/reality check (cos it really isn’t sexy).

Either way, you need a safe place (for him) to discuss it. I’d be looking at it as a hobby he has, that you only have a limited interest in. He needs to back off to healthy levels, before you get suffocated (and bored). The money thing would be a problem for me too.

Remind him that eating caviar and chocolates every day doesn’t make you feel indulgent and special, it makes those thing a bit ho hum (and gives you tummy troubles).

I once broke up with a perfectly lovely boyfriend because I’d catch him just staring at me with so much puppy-dog adoration that it unnerved me. Life was one long foot massage. I didn’t think it was possible to have too much foot massage, turned out it was!

Maelstrop · 29/05/2018 22:37

Oh god, you need to stop this behaviour! He’s suffocating you. He loyally stays at home and cleans while you go out with your friends? Sorry, I’m going to be sick!

If this continues once the baby arrives, he will be resentful of the attention you have to spend on him/her. He does sound massively controlling, phoning if you don’t message him back immediately, huge red flag.

I once read a study that says the better looking (sorry if this isn’t correct, OP, don’t mean to be rude!) partner is the least secure/more likely to have an affair due to needing to reaffirm their self esteem.

Needing to stroke you, cuddle, be intimate and in bed would drive me nuts. I have a life! I’m dh’s first everything too and early on, we had a row about him only wanting one thing, there was no intimacy without him wanting it to progress to sex. It annoyed the crap out of me. You can be affectionate without it leading to sex. I adore my dh, but he was very full on at the beginning and I had stuff to do!

Encourage him to see his friends, OP.

Snowysky20009 · 29/05/2018 22:38

Wow! That's scary actually. I'm sorry I would have run for the hills long ago, and I'm a person that needs affection, attention, love physical contact, love the soppy letters and texts etc. But your guy would be too much for me!

Notveryladylike · 29/05/2018 22:39

Run for the hills, like someone else said this is like living with a stalker. It very much sounds like its becoming mental abuse.

findingmyfeet12 · 29/05/2018 22:40

I couldn't cope with that at all!

Dh and I often sit in silence of an evening each with our own tablet or book etc. We've both forgotten anniversaries etc but after a few years we're just comfortable being around each other. It's easy and familiar.

You shouldn't be experiencing awkwardness or discomfort in your own home and in the company of your partner.

tillytrotter1 · 29/05/2018 22:42

Sounds like he's being place in the category 'Can't do right for doing wrong'.

In twenty years time you might look back on these days with wistfulness.

MsAwesomeDragon · 29/05/2018 22:43

Dh phoned me at work once. I told him not to do it again unless it's an emergency, I'm working and need to concentrate. So he listened and did what I asked. Yours hasn't.

It's not treating you right to do ignore what you've asked him to do/not do.

I don't know how you are putting up with him at all, I know I'd have dumped him ages ago. I think you might need to spell it out in very simple language "back off or I'll have to leave. I need space to be myself, and this isn't it." Give explicit instructions about what you need him to stop, and be prepared to leave if he doesn't pay attention.

Good luck Flowers

pallisers · 29/05/2018 22:43

Was he like this before you married him? It sounds like it is getting more intense over time. Which makes me think this could be him manifesting some sort of anxiety which is getting worse

It is somewhere on the range from tiresome to frankly weird tbh. But "how lovely" doesn't appear on this range.

You need to deal with this. Don't bring it up in a joking manner - that is useless.

Sit him down over lunch or a coffee or dinner and say it straight: "dh I love you dearly but your level of emotional intensity on a day to day basis makes me feel uncomfortable. I suspect you see my lack of flowers/letters/constant attention as also worrying. We need to sort this out now before the baby arrives (and a bomb goes off in your marriage - because it will).

Tbh, his level of intensity is such that I think it would help the 2 of you to sit with someone neutral - counsellor - and thrash it out. Do this before the baby.

He is terribly terribly needy and seems to require your focus and attention to an unusual level - and you are about to give birth to the most needy being this world has ever known - a newborn - and who will require your focus and attention to survive. This will not be good if you don't sort it out now.

pallisers · 29/05/2018 22:45

In twenty years time you might look back on these days with wistfulness.

Unless she is honest with him now I suspect she will look back on these days with a far more negative emotion. Women do not have to be grateful for any positive emotion men send them at any time. Ditto men with women. This couple need to figure out their emotional regulation pronto before the emotional firebomb arrives in the shape of newborn.

SlightlyJaded · 29/05/2018 22:45

I am also concerned that he will not be able to cope with taking a back seat when the baby is born. Factor in general exhaustion and this is going to feel like pressure for you and rejection for him.

You definitely need to have a kind chat with him sooner rather than later. It does sound obsessive and claustrophobic but he is inexperienced and may believe this is how you 'show your love'. You need to tell him that it isn't!

Mrsmadevans · 29/05/2018 22:46

God almighty he sounds a nightmare OP , l don't know how you can stand him. I don't know what you can do with him either tbh. Ask his mum / Dad /family ?

PlatypusPie · 29/05/2018 22:47

A friend explained why she eventually left her apparently perfect and loving husband - it sounded very much like this, she said she felt too much on a pedestal, that he loved the idea of love rather than really knowing her as a person. It was all too unbalanced.

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/05/2018 22:49

I got as far as 'make love' before I couldn't read any more. He sounds like a complete sap. Sorry OP.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2018 22:49

my skin is crawling

This guy sounds terrifying How did you live with such a blatant display of inadequacy ?

TheSassyAssassin · 29/05/2018 22:49

YANBU OP. Walked away from a guy for exactly this kind of behaviour. On the surface it seemed great but it wasn't. Suffocating and just unreal tbh. Nice to be made to feel special but being constantly on a pedestal is wearing and not fun in the slightest. The constant attention was debilitating. Made me want to scream! Hope you can work it out somehow... good luck!

ReanimatedSGB · 29/05/2018 22:52

Ugh, this brought the hairs up on the back of my neck. I think this man is potentially dangerous - the warning signs being that you have already told him that you don't appreciate aspects of his behaviour and he has completely ignored your requests for him to tone it down.
He wants everything on his terms, and he will try to isolate you from everyone else. Also, he's going to be a nightmare when the baby comes. (There was a spinechilling thread on here some years ago, where the OP had a very abusive partner who she was able to bin with MN support, and one of the things that stuck with me from that poster's story was that the abuser would order the OP to put the baby down in order to greet him when he came home from work, because the baby had to 'learn that the relationship between her parents is the most important one' or something along those lines.)

Fishface77 · 29/05/2018 22:52

He’s slowly slowly eroding you’re boundaries.
It already sounds like your a bit confused as to what’s appropriate and what’s not.
When you go out does he text/call?
What does he say if you go away without him eg a weekend away with friends?
He will use the baby to control you.
I feel sorry for you.

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