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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 30/05/2018 11:54

frogsinthepond
He's recently agreed to councelling for another issue - he gets very jealous/emotional/teary/quiet when he thinks about me having been in past relationships and with other men. This is usually brought up a few times a year where we'd have a row; he says once he has the image in his head, he can't stop thinking about the fact that I've been with other people and it kills him. This is another exhausting issue as I've been faithful to this man for almost 4+ years now; it's not like I am in contact with old boyfriends!

From your OP I got 'yuk', but not necessarily the red flags the others did straight away. But now, with this. It frightens me to be honest. He has jealousy issues to the point it affects everyday life.

We have an appointment with a counsellor in two weeks time but regarding the jealousy issue above only. ^ I'm thinking it might be best to get it all out in the open and dealt with at the same time.

Absolutely it needs to all come out, but I'm not 100% sure counselling as 'we' is a good thing. At least not for now. He has issues that HE needs to address,

FutureFairyCrayon · 30/05/2018 11:54

He sounds utterly terrifying, quite how you've put up with him for four years and agreed to start a family with him, is baffling to me. This is not what a healthy adult relationship looks like.

Please do bring it up in counselling, he needs serious help.

LagunaBubbles · 30/05/2018 11:55

We have an appointment with a counsellor in two weeks time but regarding the jealousy issue above only. ^ I'm thinking it might be best to get it all out in the open and dealt with at the same time

What type of counsellor is it? Marriage counselling? It sounds as if everything you discuss here is all part of the same problem anyway and not seperate issues.

LagunaBubbles · 30/05/2018 11:56

Its not counselling your DH needs OP with you, its therapy. There is a difference.

Talith · 30/05/2018 11:59

I had a fling with a guy like this. It was meant to be a one night stand (I'd been extremely clear I wasn't looking for a relationship) but he was suddenly convinced we were in love and started behaving a bit like your DH. Sweet lad but it took me ages to extricate myself and yes there were tears and tantrums. He was quite young and turned out he had Asperger's. I wonder if your DH is on the spectrum. It's the inability to gauge someone else's feelings accurately.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2018 12:00

This man is manipulative and frankly dangerous. Not, perhaps, in a physical way, but certainly he has the potential to grind you down emotionally.

I say this as someone with a romantic husband who is very affectionate and brings me flowers now and then etc. The level of interference you describe is intrusive.

I literally can’t think of a single thing I couldn’t talk over with my husband in a rational and reasonable way - neither or us would resort to crying to shut the other one up.

I would seriously think about whether the relationship is sustainable - I suspect from your description he won’t be amenable to change. Be vigilant and seriously think before having the next baby.

As a side note, one of the things men like this do is make you incapable - they slowly take away all your responsibilities and it feels like you can’t cope without them.

My aunt’s husband has done this - she can’t even make herself a fucking sandwich.

DustyMaiden · 30/05/2018 12:02

He wants you to have everything you need, tell him you need space, see how he reacts.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/05/2018 12:04

You're already lying to him to try to manage your life/protect his feelings. This won't change on its own.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/05/2018 12:10

After seeing your update I scrub the first half of my pp.

Read from the

Run part.

And make sure you never leave him alone with the baby.

Supervised access only

Jux · 30/05/2018 12:15

He is horribly manipulative. It may be that it's all completely subconscious and he has no idea he's doing it, but that's worse really than if he is completely aware and purposeful.

Being overly romantic. Well, you can't complain because, well, why would you, who wouldn't like flowers, massage, ? So you're always on edge and at a disadvantage.

Crying. You stop doing whatever it is. If you've been slightly critical of him and he cries, you'll stop and comfort him -I got caught be that one, I'd do the whole "it's not that important, don't cry, honestly" which was then taken as "it's not important, I'm a bitch, carry on without any change at all".

You are being set up. I am not saying he knows what he's doing, but that is what he's doing.

Be very very careful, and probably go to counselling alone for the moment.

roadmantings · 30/05/2018 12:21

LTC - LEAVE THE CREEPER

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2018 12:23

Ok - your update - the jealousy - you need to leave.

Really, you do.

Leave before you have a newborn and everything is 100 times more difficult.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 12:24

The tears and the upset are very manipulative. Stops you saying anything, keeps you in your place. I also wondered if he was going to try and keep you pregnant. Again, keeps you in your place.

LionAllMessy · 30/05/2018 12:25

Based on the first post I would have said he is highly insecure, and he thinks that he needs to be like this to stop you ever wanting to leave him or look at anyone else.

Given your updates about his problems thinking about you and ex-boyfriends (and using it against you in arguments), I'd say this is definitely the case.

Eastcoastmost · 30/05/2018 12:26

Good God! Just no. He’s not nice, he’s not sensitive, he sounds like a weirdo stalker who’s likely to chop you up into tiny pieces five years down the line when you’ve ‘disobeyed’ him too many times.

Surely his family and yours must see him for the creep he is? What on earth do your friends make of him?

I’d be tempted to ghost him, just up and disappear and don’t put his name on the birth certificate. I’d literally be scared for my life if I were you.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 12:26

His behaviour is more likely to push you away than keep you.

ScoobyGangMember · 30/05/2018 12:28

Christ on a bike. Deeply scary stuff. What do your friends and family make of him? Have you confided in a friend? Maybe you should do, asap.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 12:32

Simply couldn’t stand this op. Would drive me insane

Noblecreature · 30/05/2018 12:33

Too much, I couldn't be doing with it

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2018 12:46

The jealousy / possessiveness and this OTT smothering "romantic" behaviour are one and the same thing OP

ciderhouserules · 30/05/2018 12:55

Flipping heck, he really has you on a pedestal, OP. I wonder what would happen if you did something to bring you down to earth ? Hmm He sounds so obsessive, and that is never good.

Counselling - individual for both of you. Therapy for him.

You know he is not normal.

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 12:57

There was a recent thread on this very same thing. Can anyone link to it?

MuffinTip · 30/05/2018 12:59

Probably sounds dramatic but I think you need to leave this man asap. My ex was like this, and having been in shit relationships before I was initially flattered by it all. In the end I left him, I was utterly exhausted by his level of obsession. Unfortunately leaving him was the catalyst for things to get very bad. I won’t go into details but only police intervention stopped the stalking and harassment. It is the most stressful and terrifying thing I’ve ever had to go through

Luxembourgmama · 30/05/2018 13:00

Thats a huuuge red flag about his jealousy about your previous relationships. Please be careful.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2018 13:02

Wow. I think this man is very very afraid of something. Being left? Did his mum leave him when he was quite young?

He sounds as though he will stop at nothing to keep the idealised view of you he has in his head, which is why he cries when he thinks of you with other men - you are no longer his ideal woman. I started off thinking he was just too full on, now I think he actually needs a lot of help.