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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 30/05/2018 13:06

I think this is one of the worst, most chilling, things I've read on mumsnet.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to escalate the counselling very quickly, and be prepared to leave this man before your child is born.

Unfinishedkitchen · 30/05/2018 13:08

OP in all seriousness this man is not a romantic, he sounds potentially dangerous. Have you talked to your friends/family about this? If not, please do and start making preparations to leave. Even if the counselling appears to work for a while, do not have another child with him. You’ve married a very damaged person.

findingmyfeet12 · 30/05/2018 13:10

What redeeming qualities does he have that have convinced you it's a good idea to marry him and have a child with him?

You've had relationships before so you know the score.

I'm baffled.

allforequality · 30/05/2018 13:10

Blimey. Creepy, obsessive, weird, claustrophobic, suffocating - all sprang to mind just from the OP, let alone the disturbing additional detail in subsequent posts. Is there any way you can send a link to this thread to your counsellor OP?

It’s a terrifying read TBH, I’d be really worried you’ll end up in a black bag in the freezer or with him wearing your skin, he sounds psychotic and not at all normal, certainly not ‘lovely’, sounds like he’s normalised his obsessive behaviour over the years. Be very careful OP.

Unfinishedkitchen · 30/05/2018 13:16

...and if you leave him, please ensure he only gets supervised access to the baby.

NorthernKnickers · 30/05/2018 13:31

This sounds very, very scary to me. I'd hate this and would feel terribly suffocated at the very least! At worst, I would actually be seriously worried about my safety. Men (and women!) like this can be very unpredictable.

OP, please seriously consider your future. You don't want to become a statistic.

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2018 13:31

Jeez he's not the full ticket! Why did you marry him OP?

Yamayo · 30/05/2018 13:34

Thing is even if you tolerate the jealously and insecurity, he has a bizarre Disney-like view of what 'lurve' is meant to be.

There is no way he'll be able to cope with the daily grind of looking after a newborn.
How is going to handle it when you're sleep- deprived and sore and the baby wants to be held constantly, and you tell him to f*ck off when he pulls out his photo albums?

Run. Now.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2018 13:40

More importantly "How is going to handle it when you're sleep- deprived and sore and the baby wants to be held constantly, and you tell him to f*ck off when he..." expects sex 24/7?

TorviBrightspear · 30/05/2018 13:42

OP, reading your updates leaves me feeling scared for you. This man is bad news, for both you and the baby.

I agree he needs therapy, not couselling. If you go to counselling with him, be prepared for him to blame you for not doing what he wants, in some way. Given the manipulation he's shown so far, he'll find some way to get the counsellor (unless they are very good at spotting abuse) to agree with him about something that will restrict you even more.

You need to leave, this will not get any better, in fact don't bother trying to be gentle, just go. The jealousy, possessiveness, the ignoring your feelings, the insistance of doing "romantic" stuff he wants to do, whether you want to or not, etc, etc. It leaves me worried for you.

Talk to your midwife, talk to Women's Aid, on your own, and give all the information about him. They'll give you information and support.

RoseWhiteTips · 30/05/2018 13:42

It’s too much and it’s making you feel under pressure. I would say this is not normal behaviour.

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2018 13:45

Blimey, I'd feel totally suffocated.
You need to sit him down and make it totally clear that you can't tolerate this OTT behaviour and it has to stop otherwise you can't live like it any longer.
He's pushing you away and he needs to understand that.

Luckyme2 · 30/05/2018 13:54

Does he work OP? I'm just wondering when he has time for all this 'romanticism' what with sex several times a day, constant messages and phone calls to you, buying gifts, making home made albums, sitting down with you and looking through the albums, writing super long love letters, massaging you, cuddling you, giving you footpaths, cleaning and cooking!
You must know this isn't normal behaviour!
Add to that your updates about his jealousy and surely you can see this is a recipe for disaster! I'm sure it must have been flattering to start with but once you have the baby things are going to get a lot worse.

Luckyme2 · 30/05/2018 13:55

*Footbaths.
Making you footpaths really would be taking it to another level!

Luckyme2 · 30/05/2018 13:59

Also - what if you were in contact with any of your ex boyfriends? How would he cope with that? Do you have any make friends? How does he feel about that? You mention he's agreed to go to counselling for a separate issue - his jealousy - but I don't think that's a separate issue at all. I think it's all part of the same thing. And it's a massive red flag

thatsscottishtender · 30/05/2018 13:59

Agree completely with @ReanimatedSGB .
He is frightening. Being jealous of your past is fucked up. He's emotionally abusive and I think you should leave ASAP.

Luckyme2 · 30/05/2018 14:00

*male

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/05/2018 14:27

Getting the huff on about previous boyfriends is well and truly fucked up. Run for the hills!

The teddies and flowers email - wta fucking fuck? Unless you particularly love teddies - but otherwise, what grown woman wants pictures of fucking teddies? And has he been sitting at work googling cutesy pictures? Vom.

The photo albums as well - the guy is utterly weird.

Some guys do learn over time - DH did a bit of the clingy stuff to start off with (nothing on this scale, though) and learned not to after I made it very clear that loving him did not mean I was prepared to drop all my friends etc. He relaxed into normality. Your guy is in a totally different league and I am not sure he is close enough to normality to learn how to do it.

Fishface77 · 30/05/2018 14:46

Op I don’t know if this has been said but please please tell someone what’s going on in RL.
Each update is making your situation sound scarier and scarier.

Crunchymum · 30/05/2018 14:47

What do your friends think of his behaviour? What do his parents think?

I have to agree with PP's, this is abuse and whilst there no hierarchy when it comes to "types" of abuse, this is incredibly worrying as it's all being done on the name of love / wanting to be with you and look after you / wanting to treat you "well" etc...

The abuse is sneaky and insidious and incredibly manipulative. I mean if you were to leave him, I imagine you'd be bombarded with 'but he treats you so well and he loves you so much' by his folks and himself......

If you really want to make it work, show him this thread and suggest he leaves for a period of time whilst working on his myriad of issues.

Jeez, I feel suffocated just reading about him OP.

summerinrome · 30/05/2018 14:57

I read your updates and this is not about love, he is insanely insecure. My dh is very attentive but maybe messages twice a day, and flowers once a week sometimes fortnight.

I don't feel the pressure you are describing or the intensity, but then if someone was messaging me 247 and was on my case like that I would be out of the door and would run for the hills.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/05/2018 15:06

Too much sugar is as bad as none at all. I’m sure I would have gone off of him by now with so much attention especially if I wanted to do other more interesting things that looking at phot albums in the weekends, read a book, etc.

OP, forget the hints and jokey comments, he won’t grasp how much he is suffocating you until you spell it to him.

Having said that, those levels of obsession are often associated with controlling behaviour, does he do any other things in the list below?

Earky signs of an abusive relationship

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2018 15:13

I think you're right to bring this intense 'love bombing' behaviour up in the counselling session. As another poster said, once baby arrives the dynamic between you two will change massively - your attention will be on baby, not him, and I'm not sure he will cope with that very well.

His intense jealousy of past relationships is also odd. Are you allowed to have any male friends? There are huge red flags all over this. It's good that he id starting counselling but is this just for him or both of you?

MyNameIsNotSteven · 30/05/2018 15:24

It's all very well telling OP that her DP is scary and she should run for the hills, but she is having his baby and he is entitled to time with the child. He isn't violent, abusive or controlling in the sense that OP is free to do what she pleases (albeit with constant messages while she's at work but interestingly not when she's socialising. I think running away is a very drastic suggestion.

It seems to me that discussing he love-bombing during the counselling session is the sensible thing to do. He needs to find other interests and perhaps having an outsider tell him so will prompt him to find them. I think he does need to know that his behaviour isn't particularly endearing and is putting his marriage at risk.

DepressedAspie · 30/05/2018 15:34

Best case scenario - the bloke is immature, annoying and has some psychological issues.

Worst case - he has a personality disorder and could become abusive. I would personally be very concerned that, once the baby arrives, he becomes very controlling and potentially be a threat to the safety of the child. These types of men can use their children to get at the mother.

You need to see a lawyer and move as far away as possible.