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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
SeahorsesAREhorses · 29/05/2018 22:14

It doesn't sound lovely at all, it sounds suffocating and inappropriate, exhausting.

Tell him to back off, he is not acting in a normal way.

Whirlytastic · 29/05/2018 22:16

Yikes. Not sure I have anything helpful to say, but I'd feel suffocated by that too. Why do you think he does it? Insecurity about your feelings? A control thing? It sounds quite needy, which is never attractive.

HateTheDF · 29/05/2018 22:17

Sorry OP I've got no advice on how to deal with it - my DP and I have been together 8 years and I've had flowers a handful of times!

Saying that, it does all sound lovely but that is OTT and I don't think it is normal. At the start of the relationship, maybe but you've been together a while now.

I don't think you sound ungrateful and it is very intense and I can see how you're struggling with it now. YANBU

BasilFaulty · 29/05/2018 22:17

I'm sure you'll have a load of posters piping up soon saying how it's controlling and coercive behaviour and to LTB.

I don't agree with them and he appears to just be very smitten, which is of course lovely, but I agree would get tiresome after a while.

Have you had a proper chat with him about it?

Whirlytastic · 29/05/2018 22:18

I had a boyfriend many years ago who was a bit like this. I had been quite into him, but I fled. Relationships need a bit of 'edge', I think.

Candyflip · 29/05/2018 22:18

That sounds horrible. He sounds very needy and really needs to work on his self esteem.

CatOwned · 29/05/2018 22:19

Sorry, but I'd hate to be in your position.

I would sit down with him and be frank: Look, I know you have good intentions, but this love bombing is too intense for me.
-Why don't we start saving for the baby instead of spending it on flowers? Babies are expensive.
-Why don't we agree that if something is wrong, I'll let you know? No need to message me to check.

Or maybe just a "Whoa, personal space!" once he starts annoying you?

BillywilliamV · 29/05/2018 22:20

Not normal, sounds quite controlling actually. There is no chance of living a normal life with someone like this. How is he going to be when the baby turns up? You need to deal with this pronto. Cruel to be kind I think and expect some serious tantrums.

pieceofpurplesky · 29/05/2018 22:20

Until the last part he sounded just like a love struck teen - until the fact he wants sex several times a day and sulks and tells you that you don't love him if you don't. That is emotional blackmail and controlling.

Whirlytastic · 29/05/2018 22:23

I'd want to swat him like a fly. This is not conducive to sexual attraction.

Dsc1907 · 29/05/2018 22:23

Constant messages at work to "check" how you are - red flag
Phoning you if you don't reply to the constant messages fast enough - red flag
Love bombing you - red flag
Intensifying during pregnancy - red flag
Emotionally manipulative when you say no to excessive sex demands for sex - RED FLAG

Not normal. Not ok.

There's good reason people will be popping up here pointing out he is controlling and coercive. Because he is.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:24

I have tried bringing it up every now and again in a jokingly manner, but he just insists that he is very commited to me, very old fashioned and likes to make sure that I am treated right. He wants a big family says he never wants me to want for anything but at the same time he has started getting a bit upset when I don't do the same things for him.

He's not bothered about me going out with girlfriends etc., he will loyally stay at home and wait for me and have the house cleaned. He had loads of friends before our marriage but it has slowly decreased over time. I feel like I and his family are his whole world now.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 29/05/2018 22:24

This is unnatural, unhealthy and stifling. I would worry too that when the baby arrives the intense behaviour will be switched to him/her.

SeahorsesAREhorses · 29/05/2018 22:24

Have you ever told him that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour?

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:25

To be fair, he doesn't nesecarily want sex; he is just as happy cuddling in bed or stroking my hair or whatever. As long as we're together it seems lol.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/05/2018 22:25

Genuinely, and I hate sounding so mean, but the post makes me cringe,

Its way too much

speakout · 29/05/2018 22:25

He sounds scary OP. POsessive, controlling and needy.
I see a big red flag,

gottastopeatingchocolate · 29/05/2018 22:25

I don't think YABU. But the fact that it has intensified once you found out you were pregnant makes me wonder if it might somehow be linked to anxiety? Is he able to talk about how he is feeling, apart from the love part?

Rachie1973 · 29/05/2018 22:27

frogsinthepond
likes to make sure that I am treated right

But you've tried to tell him you're uncomfortable and he still thinks this is 'treating you right'?

Can you not see the conflict in that statement?

Ohyesiam · 29/05/2018 22:27

I would be so claustrophobic.
As it’s got worse since your pregnancy, could it be anxiety based? Try talking to him about his hopes and fears around you and the baby, and maybe using he messaging as an example ask him to find some constructive ways to deal with his anxiety, like cbt, meditation, NLP etc. And bring in Practicalities, like how the money would be better spent on baby stuff, or saved for your mat leave.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/05/2018 22:27

The losing contact with his friends is weird too. His social circle is getting smaller. Be careful he doesn't expect the same of you. Us against the world type thing.

ThePinkOcelot · 29/05/2018 22:28

I couldn’t cope with that. He would do my head in. Far too intense. I can only see him getting worse tbh. I would be off in the opposite direction.

GummyGoddess · 29/05/2018 22:29

What's he going to do when baby is here? Will he be feeling rejected or jealous of the baby?

When baby is bigger there's a good chance that you will just want quiet alone time in the evenings as they can be exhausting as toddlers. What will you do then?

pieceofpurplesky · 29/05/2018 22:30

How will he share you with the baby?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2018 22:30

This is not normal or healthy. At all. I worry that his possessiveness will take a very ugly turn. He is love bombing you, and I think you need to figure out why he is being so compulsive.