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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/05/2018 08:51

I agree, it is a form of control, to keep you just where he wants you.

WilburIsSomePig · 30/05/2018 08:54

This would do my fucking head in.

It's not normal, usual or any of those things. You need to tell him now.

Grobagsforever · 30/05/2018 08:55

I'd rather be single than with a man like this. He is controlling and very odd.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/05/2018 08:58

Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

Is he concerning himself with your feelings when he bulldozes you with emotional manipulation? Or is it all about how he feels?

Your whole post reads like you feel sorry for him; he has you adjusting your innate responses to his behaviour so as not to upset him. In a short space of time you're going to have a huge shift in your lives when the baby arrives. Is your current situation strong enough to withstand such a shift?

SerenDippitty · 30/05/2018 09:00

Your OP was alarming. But your updates, in which you state that you are a model and he was quite overweight when you first met, lead me to wonder if he isn’t terribly insecure, terrified of losing you, feels like you could have someone much better looking than him if you wanted. Did he lose weight for himself, or to please you?

STS120 · 30/05/2018 09:03

He's guilty of something and is making up.

Check his computer for web cam girls.

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 09:09

It could be he's just smitten but his reaction when you tell him seriously (rather than jokingly) to back off will be telling.
You need to spell it out that you feel smothered and need "me time" and that his attitude is damaging your relationship, and that your need to not be constantly bothered will increase after the baby is born, as you will be exhausted and will need even more "me time". That if he really loves you he'll respect your words and will tone his attention down because otherwise your frustration will grow and grow until it eventually ruins your relationship. That this had the potential to lead to divorce if he doesn't nip it in the bud now while it is more of a minor irritation.
If he continues to ignore your wishes then he hasn't got your best wishes at heart and he's a controlling bastard, so his reaction to you plainly and firmly spelling it out is the key factor here. You need to be blunt. I couldn't live with a quarter of the attention you seem to have forced on you. Don't let him make you feel guilty for not wanting it. It is just too much and not normal and very suffocating. Don't let him turn this round and try to blame you for your feelings. You are the normal one here.

BrownTurkey · 30/05/2018 09:10

He hasn’t had the relationship experience to realise this is counter-productive. He needed to have lost a few partners to his obsessiveness along the way, and then learn to moderate it.

What was his parenting/childhood like? Its an intense sort of attachment.

Could he benefit from clear statements or ‘rules’ such as ‘now that we are a family I don’t want you to bring me flowers any more, I want you to save the money for the household’ or ‘I want you to see friends outside the home so you don’t get boring’. And stuff about personal space and you choosing or saying no.

I feel concerned that you might be re-evaluating the relationship a bit, and I do wonder if there is much in it for you, but I hope that you can work it out.

SensoryOverlord · 30/05/2018 09:11

He sound like the kind of creepy stalker you need the police to visit and warn off op...except you're married to him.

What was he like when you met/dated/got engaged op? Has he always done this?

MissWilmottsGhost · 30/05/2018 09:13

Oh dear. XP was like this.

We had he whole love at first sight thing, he couldn't bear to be apart from me, told me he loved me every day, he wanted to be cuddling all the time, sex several times a day.

It was great for a while, but it did become stifing. He was hurt when I asked him to back off a bit, he saw it as proof I didn't love him as much as he loved me. He said if I really loved him I would feel the same.

Then he began to get a bit cross about it. If I said no to sex it was because he was no good in bed/his penis was too small/I wanted another man.

He was so fucking insecure and wanted constant reassurance. I dumped him because in the end of course. He still doesn't get why.

In twenty years time you might look back on these days with wistfulness

It is 20 years later, and I look back on those days with confusion and mild sadness. It's not that he meant to be a dick, he certainly did love me, but he had evidently read too much mills and boon or something and thought that was what women really wanted. I feel quite sorry for him.

DaffoDeffo · 30/05/2018 09:14

I have gone out with someone like this and it is utterly bizarre and in the end, you stop fancying them because you just can't find them attractive.

I do think it is born out of insecurity. He has become obsessed with you, the idea of you and him being in love, the idea of you being the provider of the family he so desperately desires. He's not listening to you because he can't hear it. This perfect image he has created can't be threatened so he has shut out everyone else.

He needs counselling but I doubt you will get through to him so what I would do is try and get him to couples counselling so you can both talk about your feelings in a safe and controlled (by someone else) environment.

Either that or you need to tell him that you need an evening a week to yourself where he needs to go out and join some club/do an activity and hope that gets him engaged with other people!

Poor you op, it sounds exhausting

e1y1 · 30/05/2018 09:15

Sorry OP, that’s sounds fucking awful and I’d have to end it.

ciderhouserules · 30/05/2018 09:18

OP - you are tiptoeing around him, not wanting to hurt his feelings, not wanting to say No in case he feels hurt, whether that is to you reading a book, not wanting sex, not wanting cuddles, not wanting to look at photos to each other for hours...

Time to start standing up for yourself. IF he feels hurt by this, well, tough. He needs to learn, and fast, that you do not want these things just because he does.

And if he gets angry, or starts manipulating you - into answering all his texts/calls within a certain time otherwise 'you don't love me' for example - then run.

DaffoDeffo · 30/05/2018 09:19

And I agree with Brownturkey, it is inexperience in relationships that often is behind this. My bloke that did this had only had one relationship before me (despite being in his 40s) - he had been married and his wife had walked out on him for another bloke. When we started going out he was so insecure it was suffocating. If I didn't want to have sex, he thought I didn't love him. When we were out he was constantly trying to snog me. He told me he loved me really quickly. It was insane but I could also see that he had very little experience in relationships. It's like he hasn't been knocked into shape yet if you know what I mean.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2018 09:19

He turned nasty and was doing a lot of emotional blackmail stuff to me

He is already on the emotional blackmail. acting like a kicked puppy because you don't reciprocate his smothering love bombing

Moonkissedlegs · 30/05/2018 09:22

Have you ever argued? What is he like in an argument?

ScoobyGangMember · 30/05/2018 09:26

He makes you look at photo albums with him for an hour and a half at a time? And you do this? I'm breathing into a brown paper bag just reading this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2018 09:32

OTOH, my OP only had one (short lived) girlfriend before me and wouldn't dream of rubbing my feet, stroking my hair or looking at pictures of us. He's at completely the other end of the affection-spectrum, so it's not just inexperience that's making him behave this way. Otherwise all romantically-inclined men would be like this with their first girlfriend/wife.

He's afraid of losing you. But instead of using trust to keep the relationship, he's trying to use the glue of you never being away from him for long enough to cheat.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/05/2018 09:33

Whatever you do, don't allow him to isolate you, I hope you have someone in real life, to confide in.
His behaviour isn't normal, it definitely needs addressing,
This isn't something you should brush under the carpet.
He is in grave danger of killing any love you have for him, and making your skin crawl.

TorviBrightspear · 30/05/2018 09:34

OP, this is all controlling behaviour, and it's a known red flag for abuse that it's intensified during pregnancy.

Midwives are supposed to watch for abusive behaviour (and this is certainly leading into abuse, if not abusive already). Talk to your midwife about this, and see if you can get some counselling FOR YOURSELF.

Don't bother with couples counselling, at least not yet. There are some counsellors BB who struggle to see and understand abusive relationships, especially when violence is not involved.

My ex was only half as bad, but I left after 30 years. It was too suffocating, the expectations that I was enough for him, so he should have been enough for me. I could go on, but don't want to derail. Suffice to say that I am free, but sadly still supporting my children through mental health issues as a result of his behaviour.

This won't get better. You have to act.

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 09:37

He will only get away with what you let him. Stop letting him and spell out why. Then it's up to him if he wants to keep your respect and his relationship with you.
Don't put up with it anymore and don't let him make this out to be your fault.
He will only change if he can if you make him. But if he doesn't please leave him.

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 30/05/2018 09:37

This is absolutely about control. You have become a bit player in his fairytale romance and that will be used against you should you EVER step outside of meeting his every whim and need. I have direct experience in this. Every alarm bell is ringing from your post

Ifonlyfor1day · 30/05/2018 09:39

I think pps calling him creepy is not helpful. You and he need a serious set some boundaries, he may not be aware of how intense he is being. I also doubt he would be jealous of the baby, he sounds like the type of guy who will over be enthusiastic and a good Dad.

If he is otherwise a good guy and your married, give a shot at a good discussion.

BlooperReel · 30/05/2018 09:45

He sounds head over heels, but is obviously struggling to contain it. I think a chat is in order, along the lines of, 'I appreciate the flowers, gifts, massages etc, but when it's constant it doesn't feel as special, can you reduce it so its every so often and I feel like I can appreciate it more and it not become 'the norm'?'

Joey7t8 · 30/05/2018 09:48

He sounds horrendous. I think I’d struggle to have any sort of sexual attraction to someone that needy, insecure and controlling.

The level of obsession with your relationship to the extent that he has no other social life and would rather coo over photo albums of you both than do anything else at the weekend is disturbing.