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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 29/05/2018 23:17

I think you know something is wrong, or you wouldn't have posted this thread. The bit about him being hurt if denied attention and sex is particularly worrying. I don't know what to advise though - right now I'd just say try to live with it. He might turn out to be a tremendous asset when the baby is born.

EdWinchester · 29/05/2018 23:17

Aw. He sounds just like my boyfriend...THAT I HAD WHEN I WAS 18!

He is creepy and weird. I couldn’t stand it. It’s controlling under the guise of romance.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2018 23:17

He doesn't 'want a big family' because keeping you pregnant is a good way to keep you at home, does he? And then you'll have to be a SAHM because childcare will be so expensive... and he'll always know exactly where you are. Your chances of meeting another man would be slight (always a queue of children in tow)...

aintnothinbutagstring · 29/05/2018 23:17

I'd encourage him to get in contact with old friends, family members to.socialise without you. Advise that you both will need support circles to call upon as you become parents. Maybe tell him that you'd far more appreciate the money spent of flowers and gifts be put aside in an account for baby things.

Maelstrop · 29/05/2018 23:18

He says there's no point in him to socialise anymore as he wants to be a full time dad/provider/husband and that his friends are childish anyway.

Fucking terrifying :( (Obviously I mean in the context of this guy, I’m sure some guys saying this would make their partners very happy!)

What happens at the weekend when he gets out the photobooks and you say 'sorry, no, I want to do something different. Why don't we...'Because his reaction to you telling him no will tell you all you need to know.

Please try this, OP. Honestly, this sounds like a car crash to me. Aren’t you horribly pissed off with his suffocating behaviour?

Do you have to sit every weekend and coo over photo albums? Absolute max, I’ll show the dh a couple of photos from my FB memories, any more and it’s like in the 70s, when the neighbours might want to show you their slide show pics of their exotic caravan holiday in Wales! Shock

Disclaimer: I love Wales!

Felinefancier · 29/05/2018 23:21

He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.

This alone is ringing alarm bells. It is not "sweet" or loving, it or verging on obsessive. You owe it to yourself and your unborn child to nip this behaviour in the bud. Please try and start some couples therapy before your baby is born. This is not healthy behaviour.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 23:24

No, he's not bad looking. He was pretty overweight when we first met and was surprised in my interest in him as I work as a model and stay pretty fit (not sure how to phrase this without sounding self obsessed, sorry!!). So even if I maybe was the more attractive partner in the beginning of our relationship, he's lost a lot of weight and is a good looking guy. I think me being his first everything was due to his insecurities back then.

We are 26.

OP posts:
melodybirds · 29/05/2018 23:26

I found it difficult to read the whole opening post. I'd not allow this behaviour to continue because I personally could not be in the room with him because I'd feel so suffocated. I certainly wouldn't reply to his texts at work and I'd tell him if he buys more flowers they are going in the bin.

Could you be more frank with him. He also needs to see friends. It's not normal and is nauseating. Physically nauseating.

Doingreat · 29/05/2018 23:26

He's controlling you OP. it's all about him. That's why he won't back off if you tell him politely. Sounds narcissistic. And wanting a big family is part of that. To keep you dependant on him. Make an agreement with him that if you have more children he will stay at home to parent while you work. See how he takes it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 29/05/2018 23:27

Yes, very weird, obsessive, and it sounds like it's either controlling, or rapidly moving towards being controlling.
I would definitely try couples counselling. Or even just counselling for you, but it's his behaviour that's a problem.

Sara107 · 29/05/2018 23:28

How old is he? I would wonder a bit about why he never had a girlfriend, even a casual fling before you? You definitely need to address his behaviour before the baby comes, he might struggle to deal with a ' rival' for your attention. It sounds obsessive like others have said, not loving. Being loving and thoughtful also involves considering what the other person wants and needs from you, and what they enjoy. He is completely ignoring your wishes, it's all about him.

Ipdipme · 29/05/2018 23:30

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

You’re heading for trouble OP. He has serious obsessive issues and I’ve got a bad feeling that this won’t end well.

Intensity of this level is not normal and can turn ugly.

No clue how to fix it apart from running a mile. Sorry.

Boredandtired · 29/05/2018 23:32

Firstly I could not stand this behaviour. However I wonder if he's just got a bit carried away. It certainly isn't healthy and he will struggle when the baby is there. I'd be worried about the baby too. I know someone who is like this about their daughter and it's creepy. Not in a sexual way or anything but he's just too weird and full on, I genuinely think he just adores her but it's borderline utterly weird sndvas the child gets older she's beginning to shrug him off and dodge him.
You need to set some boundaries fast to try and see if he can manage himself better. The money should be a factor, he needs to stop wasting money on you.
I hope he is just over excited and getting it a bit wrong and you can chill him out.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 23:32

It sounds like he's afraid of losing you and feels lucky to have you.

The problem is it's not healthy for him to not go out with friends and have other interests. It just becomes too intense.

Tell him to reduce the texts while at work. Tell him you need the money for the baby and there isn't need for flowers so often.

Be sensitive when you say it or I can see him getting upset.

It's sounding terribly suffocating.

Mrsmadevans · 29/05/2018 23:32

Ahhh now you have said he was overweight before then l wonder if he is extremely self conscious and has low self esteem Op ? If so he may be petrified of losing you . Get to the bottom of this asap , ask him to talk to you because it needs sorting for all your sakes

Mildred007 · 29/05/2018 23:35

He sounds insecure & although he will probably be a great dad he will find it difficult once the baby comes along as children take up so much time & energy. Although he is fine with you going out with your friends at the moment I forsee this changing....he will continue to say he is happy for you to but will in some way make you for guilty about it. I say this from experience. You need to sort this out now before your baby arrives. It is stifling & you will always be made to feel bad for not loving him enough.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2018 23:37

You must demand boundaries now. His reaction will be all you need to know.

BestZebbie · 29/05/2018 23:39

I'd advise you to have a serious talk with him now, rather than waiting until he comes and puts his snuggly hands on you for the 200th time that day when your newborn is 2 month old and you have been awake for 22 hours straight, and you finally totally lose your shit at him (and he is then mournful and wounded for about six months because it 'came from nowhere').

BlueTrousers · 29/05/2018 23:39

Fuck me this is a whole lot of nope!!

I’m surprised you would have a baby when you’ve got such huuuuggggeee red flags in your relationship tbh, I’m not sure where you would go from here really

HyacinthsBucket70 · 29/05/2018 23:41

You are a saint to still be with him, OP. There is no way on this earth I could put up with that level of intensity. It would smother me.

He's totally dependent on you - and that really isn't healthy. He needs some gentle encouragement to find a hobby and make some friends. That way you'll have something to talk about. And I'd lay a few boundaries out ie no phone calls at work unless it is an emergency. You are being too accomodating in letting this happen.... you need to start saying "too much". And he needs to listen to you.

Iflyaway · 29/05/2018 23:44

It's like you have a stalker in your own home.

^^ this.

Oh, the joys of being single.... Do what I want, when I want and no controlling creep to stress me out.

Sorry OP.

Notveryladylike · 29/05/2018 23:45

There is another thread I you should look at OP I don't know how to link it for you sorry but the title is "he actually said it".
Not exactly like your story but as I was reading it I thought it was very similar.

biscuitmillionaire · 29/05/2018 23:50

It sounds quite unhealthy, and damaging to your relationship - ironically for him, as the more he tries to keep you, the more he is pushing you away emotionally.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea - for a neutral person to reinforce that this level of intensity is extreme, and to encourage better communication, ie. for him to really understand the effect on you.

Bibesia · 29/05/2018 23:57

This isn't attributable to being old-fashioned. After all, it's not so long since it would have been impossible for someone to send messages from work all day to check up on their spouse. In fact, I'm surprised his employer tolerates him being constantly distracted from is work in this way. Have you asked him about this?

It's seriously worrying that he's cutting himself off from other people, and virtually inevitable that he will start pressuring you do to so with claims that he and your child should be enough for you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2018 23:58

He doesn't 'want a big family' because keeping you pregnant is a good way to keep you at home, does he? And then you'll have to be a SAHM because childcare will be so expensive... and he'll always know exactly where you are. Your chances of meeting another man would be slight (always a queue of children in tow)...