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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 30/05/2018 00:06

He says there's no point in him to socialise anymore

This will be your future. The horror!

OMG, just read you are the same age as my DS. Who is just about to go off travelling to another continent for a month.

Some threads on MN make me wonder if I went through a sliding door back into the 1950s.... Shock

All I can say OP is congratulations with your pregnancy and don't let it lock you up In a future situation you don't want. You need to find your inner strength going forward.

DameLillyTillicut · 30/05/2018 00:07

You must demand boundaries now. His reaction will be all you need to know.

Yes, this. Absolutely. I don't understand the posters who are advising nicey-nicey or understanding (because he used to be overweight? So what?) approaches. There is more than one way of being controlling and manipulative. His behaviour is suffocating you and that is unnacceptable. Address it now and lay some boundaries. You say you love him, but this shit will grind you down and smother you until you resent him.

Your OP read exactly like my ex. I almost asked if he shared certain initials until I saw you both are a lot younger than me.

To cut a long story short, I ended up running for the hills retching like my arse was on fire.

You say you love him, trust me. You need to address this before he smothers it out of you.

Twopointsforhonesty · 30/05/2018 00:16

Sounds like he feels some sort of strange entitlement since you got pregnant, coupled with deep insecurity. I wonder if pregnancy has triggered some very idealised view of what he feels fatherhood should be. That’s not gonna end well.

Ifonlyfor1day · 30/05/2018 00:34

I dated a guy like that years ago. He is quite hard to shake after we broke up.

He was later diagnosed with HF ASD at 30. I am not saying the same of your situation, DD9 has HF autism and also does lots of the things you describe.

vampirethriller · 30/05/2018 07:46

I couldn't cope with that. I had one boyfriend who used to write long lists of why we were a great couple and wanted me to write down why I was lucky to be in such a relationship, every weekend. And put aside an hour for us to read them aloud and discuss.
Er no thanks love.
It's not healthy and soon you're not going to be able to answer texts every few minutes and you're not going to want sex straight away after birth, would he be able to handle that?

Branleuse · 30/05/2018 08:07

He sounds obssessed with you/limerence. The problem will be is if you ever fall from his pedestal, which of course you will

80sMum · 30/05/2018 08:14

Goodness me! That's a bit ott from your DH, OP! You say you are his "first", so I am wondering whether this is simply a rather boyish inexperience showing itself?

Maybe he thinks this is what a loving husband is supposed to do? You need to point him in the right direction, OP. No hints just tell him outright that he's trying too hard and needs to back off with the constant lovefest!

Helmetbymidnight · 30/05/2018 08:16

Not normal, horrible.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 30/05/2018 08:22

I had a boyfriend like this. I hard noped out of that relationship after 3 months. It is suffocating.

You need to have a deep talk with him to establish boundaries. Like PP have said, watch his reaction closely. You may be able to fix this but he will need to show respect for you as a separate human with your own life and perhaps counselling for his insecurities.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 08:24

I'd advise you to have a serious talk with him now, rather than waiting until he comes and puts his snuggly hands on you for the 200th time that day when your newborn is 2 month old and you have been awake for 22 hours straight, and you finally totally lose your shit at him (and he is then mournful and wounded for about six months because it 'came from nowhere').

^This. When you’re exhausted because you haven’t had more than two hours sleep in a row the last thing you are going to want is him needing attention and then being all hurt.

It’s all very ‘me me me’.

Dobbythesockelf · 30/05/2018 08:30

Creepy creepy creepy. You really need to tackle this now before the baby is born. I know you say that he is excited about the baby but what happens when the baby is 6 weeks old, you are cluster feeding, covered in baby sick and completely knackered and he wants to cuddle. Will he get in a mood she you say no? What about the fact you likely will not be able to have sex for 6 weeks if you want it at all, will he get in a mood that you won't 'make love'. If I'm being kind I would say He has massive ask esteem issues but honestly he just sounds creepy and controlling.

CoraPirbright · 30/05/2018 08:34

Well, I would think its either control or anxiety based but either way, would he agree to some sort of counselling? Even reading your OP made me short of breath and anxious myself!

What would happen if you sat him down and reassured him (I love you and am so excited about starting our family together) but telling him that he is suffocating you and setting some rules (no more than 2 texts per day, one phone call in my lunch hour, I will call you if there are any problems otherwise pls assume all is well, no more flowers - lets save the money for all the expensive baby things) etc. Would he sulk (controlling and unattractive) or get angry (ditto)? Gah I couldnt have sex with someone like this!!

He may well view his friends as ‘childish’ esp if they are 25/26 and foot loose and fancy free but you need to encourage him to go out and make some new ‘dad’ friends.

Moonkissedlegs · 30/05/2018 08:36

Woah, that all sounds waaaaaay too intense.

The thing is, if he cared about you as much as he professes, he would lay off if he thought it was making you uncomfortable or unhappy. It does sound a bit OTT controlling.

Honestlyofficer · 30/05/2018 08:36

Are you entirely sure he isn't on the spectrum, and you have become his specialist subject?

This is not a normal sort of interaction for a happy couple.. this is the beginning 10 minutes of a horror film. Boundaries.. NOW!

summerinrome · 30/05/2018 08:40

I have a very loving husband, and he was just like yours when I was pregnant. I was the most precious person in the world carrying his child, and he would endlessly shower me with love, massage my feet and 'look after me'.
You might find actually that things become immeasurably better once the baby is here and he can be affectionate with him/her too.

You have lots of negative posts, but honestly just say to him you know he loves you and you need some space. He will I am sure respect your wishes, given what you have said.

Twelve years on and two children later, he will be too shattered to massage your feet in a few months, so make the most of it, and be glad you have such a loving and romantic dh. Now we have a family we are all quite loving and affectionate, there are worse things to be :)

swimmerlab · 30/05/2018 08:42

He sounds so creepy your post made me shudder.

When I was a child I knew an older lady (family friend) who's husband was like this. He even washed and brushed her hair for her. If she caught a bus home, he'd be at the bus stop to meet her. Even as a child (teenager) it gave me the creeps, there was something that felt so sinister about it.

swimmerlab · 30/05/2018 08:43

be glad you have such a loving and romantic dh

Smothering and suffocating. The OP is not enjoying this attention.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 30/05/2018 08:44

Not normal, lovely or acceptable. Real life and relationships are not love songs or films. It is not 'sad' that long term relationships change from the intensity of the first few months when you're enthralled by eachother, to something more relaxed.

You need to say that he must stop this. He may love you, but he is not respecting you by continuing this behaviour.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/05/2018 08:44

The constant texting/phone calling after 3o mins while you are at work?!?!?! Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 30/05/2018 08:45

Wow, at first reading that, I thought lucky you, but reading further, I thought sod that for a game of soldiers, it sounds very suffocating.

Instead of being nice about it, be frank and direct with him. If he loved you that much, he would respect your wishes and boundaries, if he does not, than there is a huge problem.

Frosty66612 · 30/05/2018 08:47

I dated a guy like this once and it was lovely to begin with, but eventually turned really toxic later down the line when I told him to back off a bit. He turned nasty and was doing a lot of emotional blackmail stuff to me.

I absolutely love romance but it’s not special if it happens 24/7. It just becomes suffocating and repetitive. I’m much happier with my OH as he will surprise me out of the blue with flowers or take me for a meal out etc but I never know when any of it will happen so it’s always exciting when it does. He’ll also send me a message occasionally telling me how much he loves me. If he was sending things like that every day it wouldn’t be the same.

PintOfMineralWater · 30/05/2018 08:48

Your OP made my skin crawl. I'm just visualising you trying to hold him at arm's length as he tries to stroke your hair.

Spudina · 30/05/2018 08:50

Sit him down OP. It's time to sort this out. Maybe with a professional.

MsJinglyJones · 30/05/2018 08:50

he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

This is your problem. Lots of presents and flowers and romantic gestures and wanting to be with you, could be the sign of someone who just really loves you. But that person would also listen to what you wanted and how you felt, and want you to be happy even if that meant not focusing on him for a bit.

Instead he emotionally manipulates you when you state your needs, because he's not happy unless it's all about him. That's not love, it's neediness.

The photos thing would drive me insane. How can he sit there and make you do that when you're bored and uncomfortable and wish you could do something else? That's not an open, loving honest relationship when either you're too scared to tell him you don't want to do that again, or if you do tell him, he keeps on with it anyway.

I agree you need to sit him down and spell all this out - that you are an individual human being, with your own things you want to do, and you are feeling overwhelmed with his behaviour. Ask him to help you find a balance where you get some space. If he reacts badly to that, you need to tread very carefully with him. When you have a baby, it really won't be all about him and he could kick off.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/05/2018 08:50

His reaction to your frank and honest talk, will tell you all you need to know, if he genuinly loved and respected you, it will be fine and his actions will display that, if not, than he will try the emotional blackmail card, or turn nasty.

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