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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Smallhorse · 29/05/2018 22:54

Have you sat him down and TOLD HIM that you do not appreciate this level of attention?
You must make it properly clear to him.

This is one of the strangest things I have ever heard, really.

LondonKitty · 29/05/2018 22:55

It sounds suffocating to be honest, Op. You are entitled to your personal space and all of this grooming is too intense. I agree that there are some red flags. It is very unusual nowadays, however, for your wife to be your first kiss etc. Perhaps his lack of experience having a partner is the real problem.

Have an honest chat with him, pointing out that if you are to remain together you both need more space and time to be individuals as well as a couple. Ideally point out some positive role models from the relationships you know of.

You won't be able to keep it up long term, and after the baby is born, it will be utterly exhausting dealing with two humans who are so needy.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:55

He's very excited about the baby. He's always made it clear he wanted a big family and says he can't wait to see me with his son etc. We babysit his sisters toddlers weekly and he loves every minute of it, so in all fairness, I don't think he'd be jealous of the baby. He's definitely more paternal than me.

He doesn't mind me going out and won't text when I am out. But he is always just sitting at home, never wants to go out on his own. He says there's no point in him to socialise anymore as he wants to be a full time dad/provider/husband and that his friends are childish anyway.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2018 22:56

What happens at the weekend when he gets out the photobooks and you say 'sorry, no, I want to do something different. Why don't we...'

Because his reaction to you telling him no will tell you all you need to know.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 29/05/2018 22:57

honestly he sounds needy and controlling and is waving big red flags in your face.

RedDwarves · 29/05/2018 22:57

It sounds awful.

YoucancallmeVal · 29/05/2018 22:58

Fml my skin is crawling for you. Good luck with that one, just the sound of him makes me want to bleach my body. Np fucking wistfulness in this camp, man's q fruit loop.

TarragonChicken · 29/05/2018 22:59

I couldn't deal with this. I suspect it might be anxiety/insecurity related but it would drive me mad. I need my space!

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2018 23:02

Is he happy about you going back to work after the baby?

bunbunny · 29/05/2018 23:04

Do you know it's going to be a son?

If not, need to make sure he realises that it could also be a dd and that you will be thrilled either way - if he is obsessing about a son then that's not going to be good if you get a dd. Apologies if you already know!

I would also try making a tally of all the money he has spent on you in the last month/6 months/year. If it's lots of little treats, he might not realise how much it soon mounts up - and you can show him that a) with the baby coming you need to cut back on fripperies (sorry, not sure how best to call them but it seems appropriate) and that with all the money he's spent over the last 6 months you could have had a lovely break away or a brand new camera [or ipad or whatever expensive nice 'toy' you would love but put off buying because it's expensive and you're saving due to the baby) and yet you don't have anything to show for it. Plus just occasionally you want to choose your own book/chocolate/outfit...

And if he tries the 'you don't want me as much as I want you' point out that he has changed - and not for the better - over the years, and that whilst you still love him lots, before he was a much more rounded person, now he has become obsessed with you and it's not really healthy or much fun for you...

AtSea1979 · 29/05/2018 23:05

I’d be pissing off that he’s spending all your money on flowers when you’ve got baby stuff to buy and childcare to save for.
I’d ask him in no uncertain terms not to contact you during working hours.
If he tried the sad face on when I didn’t want sex I’d walk out.

fitbitbore · 29/05/2018 23:05

This can't be real surely no man behaves like this!!!! I'd be horrified if my oh wouldn't leave me alone.

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 23:05

Why did he not ever have a girlfriend before you?

Notveryladylike · 29/05/2018 23:05

I am presuming here that you are both young with this being first child etc, sorry if I am wrong, just the impression I get. Usuall on MN you will have people disagreeing with each other on wether things are right or wrong, normal or not normal. Pretty much every single one of these posts are telling you, no this is not normal. This is advice from outsiders and sometimes it takes someone on the outside to see what's going on because the person in the situation is too close to the problem and maybe doesn't want to see it. No one can tell you what to do but I think from what we have heard it's all a bit concerning.

Deshasafraisy · 29/05/2018 23:09

He had mental health issues.

Jux · 29/05/2018 23:09

Suffocating. Tell him. Don't be jokey about it, but firm. Watch his reaction closely.

Deshasafraisy · 29/05/2018 23:09

Has*

Returnofthesmileybar · 29/05/2018 23:11

He sounds like someone who would feature on a documentary like "When couple kill" or "Partners turn to stalkers", totally obsessive nutjob, not one bit romantic or sweet just totally batshit, in scary way

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2018 23:11

You mention him wanting a big family. What about you? What do you want?

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/05/2018 23:12

Very far from normal op sorry, and he's treating you like a personal object
Very unhealthy

findingmyfeet12 · 29/05/2018 23:13

Aside from the totally controlling and suffocating behaviour, I'd be furious if my dh wasted money on fresh flowers every day.

aintnothinbutagstring · 29/05/2018 23:14

I'd feel quite worried for a person, male or female, that has sacrificed their whole social life/hobbies/interests to dedicate their time to another person. Its not healthy and probably at some time in the very near future, something will have to give. That baby is going to be like a nuclear bomb to your current situation.

LovelyStrides · 29/05/2018 23:15

Sounds awful and controlling. Tell him he can still be a good dad and husband and see his friends.. He needs more than you in his life, everyone does.

beachygirl · 29/05/2018 23:16

Does he have a reason to be so insecure? Does he feel you are out of his league? Are you the more attractive/lucrative/outgoing of the couple? He sounds a bit obsessed but maybe he is unsure of your affection?

Thespringsthething · 29/05/2018 23:16

You have already adapted your behaviour not to upset him. He's entirely in control and this is all to meet his needs, not yours.

Normal people if their husband pulls out the photo album for 90 minutes of obsessive reminiscing would say 'not now, love, I'm watching the X Factor'.

Normal people, when asked if they'd like another massage, or sex offered again for the third time that day can say NO, I just need to chill out a bit.

Normal people don't get cross, anxious, stressed or pull sad faces and emotionally blackmail you by their niceness.

He's not nice, by the way. Try saying no to sex more frequently, or just read your book and ignore his attention-seeking ways and see how nice he stays.

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