Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay with PIL?

269 replies

Shanners123 · 29/05/2018 08:13

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

OP posts:
PeonyTruffle · 29/05/2018 08:16

YANBU
Not at all

ReggaetonLente · 29/05/2018 08:18

I don’t think so at all but my PIL would kick up a similar fuss

Bananarama12 · 29/05/2018 08:19

No you're not. You need to stay where you're comfortable feeding YOUR baby. Like you said at 5 weeks baby won't be doing much anyway so nothing your MIL will be missing out on

CocoLoco87 · 29/05/2018 08:21

YANBU. Set the new boundaries now. It will only get harder! You will be so grateful to have that space to go back to and relax in the evenings etc

5foot5 · 29/05/2018 08:25

Can you say you are doing this so as not to disturb them when the baby cries in the night? If you spin it right you might be able to present youselves as the considerate ones, going out of your way to let them see the baby without being in the way and disturbing their nights.

LokiBear · 29/05/2018 08:26

Yanbu. Stick to your guns! Just smile and say to mil that you would feel better having a bit more space when the baby is feeding orvscreaming the house down.

PotteringAlong · 29/05/2018 08:30

You see, I think you are a bit. My parents live a similar distance away to your in laws and my PiL 20 mins round the corner. I know tht, for my Mum, the thing that makes up for only seeing them every 6 weeks or so is that amount of time they see them when we’re down there/ they’re up here. She loves doing bathtime, them getting into bed with them in the morning etc. And yes, I know your baby is only 5 weeks old, but your MiL will be disappointed about the precedence of distance and I can see why. Just stop with them. It will make them much happier and it’s only a short amount of time. You are your own family now, you’re right. But one day your little baby might be trying to keep you at arms length too.

onalongsabbatical · 29/05/2018 08:31

YADNBU. You also sound amazingly strong and up-together so soon after having a baby. Use that strength where it’s needed and explain to them that with baby you need your privacy and space and say it’s not about them (white lies in families can be so helpful). Don’t give in. They’ll be fine and get used to it. Hope you all have a lovely smooth trip!

Sparkletastic · 29/05/2018 08:34

YANBU
Her wishes and feelings don't trump yours.
Your baby is tiny and I admire you for being prepared to go away at all at the stage post partum.

Soozikinzi · 29/05/2018 08:38

I am the MIL that lives further away and only gets the 3 monthly type visits so I empathise with your MIL . Having said that I wouldn't mind if they stayed nearby . Just as long as I can get some nice quiet time on my own with my grandchild. Eventually would hope grandchild can stay over x But will need to build a bond from these early days .Hope this perspective helps.

Returnofthesmileybar · 29/05/2018 08:41

Sounds to me like your mil can tell you find her boring and that her conversation isn't smart enough for you. It's fine to stay elsewhere irrespective of how nice or not nice people are but you sound nasty I think. Hopefully your dh doesn't decide your mother is a headwrecker for no reason and starts setting boundaries so your mother can't see her dg as often.

It's three times in five weeks and one of those was at a funeral ffs, set boundaries by all means but you haven't even given the woman a chance

ReggaetonLente · 29/05/2018 08:45

Just as long as I can get some nice quiet time on my own with my grandchild.

See I don’t get this. Why do you need time on your own with the GC? Why can’t his/her parents be there too? What do you want to do or say that you don’t want them there for?

Dancingmonkey87 · 29/05/2018 08:45

Going against the grain your mils crime is talking to much? Not enough smart converse with you? Christ! You sound like my Sil who’s a stuck up cow and thinks she’s better than everyone else, she also like staying with my wealthy uncle and completely up his arse.

Mils get ripped to apart constantly but she hasn’t done anything wrong to you and welcomed you into the family. I’m NC with my DB and SIL for this very reason that they are extremely disrespectful towards my parents. NM nightmare MIL nightmare SILs. I hope my two sons pick their partners more wisely. Don’t forget this woman your ripping apart gave birth to your son.

Dancingmonkey87 · 29/05/2018 08:47

Gave birth to your dh*

Passmeabrew · 29/05/2018 08:47

I think you are being a bit harsh. It comes across like you don't think much of or look down on your mil and like you are lopking for reasons to 'establish boundaries' and keep them at arms length. Of course they will want you to stay if they get to see so little of you all, they will want to make the most of it. It is possible to have boundaries whilst including the wider family. Im sure its possible to feed in private at their house and just keep baby in with you at night. If you have problems this time then look at other options in the future but you should at least give them a chance!

diddl · 29/05/2018 08:49

No you're not.

We always stayed with my parents when the kids were small as they had more room.

Ils were very possessive though.

They could never understand that we wanted to visit friends also & that the friends wanted to see our kids so obviously we would take the kids with us!

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2018 08:50

If the uncle’s house is free and your pil’s house is not suitable then you can all stay in uncle’s house.

And you can take yourself and the baby off to your bedroom for rests and to listen to Radio 4 to catch up on “smart conversation”........

Chickoletta · 29/05/2018 08:54

@soozikinzi - why do you need time on your own with your grandchild? My MIL is always trying to get my kids on her own, even when we're all around - takes them to a different room, deliberately lagging behind on a walk etc. I don't understand and find this very annoying. Perhaps you could shed some light?

Laiste · 29/05/2018 08:55

Choice between spending the weekend in a house to yourself near the PILs (so easy to go and visit) but with a nice bolt hole to go back to at night with your new born ...

or staying at the PILs the whole weekend where you find it hard to relax and establish breast feeding?

No brainer.

Juells · 29/05/2018 08:57

@5foot5

Can you say you are doing this so as not to disturb them when the baby cries in the night?

If the OP does that, she'll be assured that the crying won't bother them. They'll solve any problem she puts forward. The only answer is "No, I'd prefer not to", unfortunately. That can't be argued with. Draw the lines now.

@Dancingmonkey87

Going against the grain your mils crime is talking to much? Not enough smart converse with you?

You've obviously never had to put up with either someone who talks at you non-stop, until your head spins, or someone who explains things to you in excruciating detail.

Oh how I regretted the number of times I smiled and nodded as the-woman-who-turned-out-to-be-my-ex's-OW explained completely obvious things to me in a loud patronising voice. People like that are a pain in the hole, it's obvious that they think they're amazingly brilliant to have understood this difficult subject, and they're generously sharing their hard-won knowledge with you. Nowadays I say loudly "Everyone knows that, you don't need to explain it to me". You get no thanks for humouring people who are patronising you.

auntyflonono · 29/05/2018 08:57

Make it all about the breast feeding and not your mil.

AreWeDoingThisNow · 29/05/2018 08:59

YANBU.

I can see why people think you're being mean about your MIL but I had a similar exPs mum, her mouth never stopped moving and it used to melt my brain. By then end of a weekend with her I'd need a day of silence to recover. I can't imagine doing that with a 5 week old.

My parents don't stay with us when they visit any more - DM is just too intense, follows me if I go to make tea in the kitchen and stares at me like there's something I should be saying. Plus they can't be relied on to close baby gates or keep dangerous things out of reach (more of a problem for the dogs at the moment but starting to be an issue with DC too).

I think you're being quite generous travelling to see them. pp who says 'only three times in five weeks' - what? This is loads.

Just say you don't want to limit their time with DC but you need quiet evenings alone for the cluster feeding and don't want DC to wake them in the night.

I also don't get GPs needing 'alone time' with a baby - what can't you do with the parents in the house?

auntyflonono · 29/05/2018 08:59

Not having enough privacy could damage any routine for breast feeding.

Loonoon · 29/05/2018 09:01

I don't think YABU to stay near your IL rather than with them. I am alsointroverted and find staying with other people a strain even without the additional pressures of BF. However your attitude to your MIL comes across as superior and judgy on here and I wonder if she has picked up on that too?

She may be boring and not your sort of person but don't underestimate how important GPS can be and how much love they can give your DC. If you show some humility and try and see past the annoyances to her good points she could surprise you. (I still wouldn't stay with them though!).

Dancingtothebeat · 29/05/2018 09:02

I agree with others, what you’ve said yourself comes across as really quite patronising and nasty.

She gave birth to your husband and raised him. Presumably DH loves her. You should put up with her for his sake.

You don’t want to stay with her because you don’t like her. Of course she realises this and is hurt and upset.

We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such.

Yes, but apparently you’re not such an exclusive little unit when it comes to your family. And also, re your ‘little family’. Your ‘little family’ is going to grow up. It’s quite likely they will find a partner who doesn’t find you their cup of tea. How would you feel if your perfect little baby you loved and brought up started to keep you at arms length and avoided you on the say so of their partner.

Put yourself in her shoes and think how hurtful this is to her.