To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

I think the ‘breast feeding’ excuse is perfectly valid tbh. With my first child my parents completely put me off (in my own home), by making comments about how breastfeeding ‘was caveman like’ and looking over the whole time I whilst I was struggling to get my baby to latch. Could have done without that. Also, some people do talk. All. The. Time. My MIL will read out road signs and say shit like ‘there’s a red car’ whilst we’re driving somewhere. She can’t sit quietly. Me and my husband just don’t answer now unless it’s a proper conversation. Neither of us have the energy to to talk incessantly about crap.

I’ve just been reflecting on this thread, and my own mother.

My mother doesn’t like being a houseguest. She really doesn’t. She doesn’t mind going away together, as long as the place is big enough, but she finds being a houseguest quite stressful.

I’d love to have her stay with us when she visits. It would be lovely, and easier for us, and brilliant for the kids. But her feelings matter just as much as mine, so I don’t ‘get upset’ or thrcream and thcream and thcream until I’m sick and guilt her into staying. I don’t make it all about me. I accept that she’s a person whose preferences and needs are as valid and as important as mine, and I happily go along with it.

It’s not all about the OP either.

Why are some people so unable to (a) stand up for themselves when they should, or (b) compromise?

If the mil concerned lived next door then obviously something would have to be said and things sorted out. Three visits a year? The only times she is going to see grandchild? Doesn’t seem to me the best time to stage an intervention, frankly. We like some people- we don’t like others. The important thing here is the grandmother and grandchild getting the most out of very limited time together.

Why are some people so unable to (a) stand up for themselves when they should, or (b) compromise?

Funnily enough, that’s what OP is doing. Compromising. She’s not suggesting staying away from the rude MIL, or even not spending the majority of their visit there. She’s not suggesting skipping out on 11 hours of driving with a newborn 6 weeks after giving birth. She just wants to sleep somewhere else.

But apparently because that makes the MIL ‘upset’, OP should wear sackcloth and ashes.

The important thing here is the grandmother and grandchild getting the most out of very limited time together.

Yep. Absolutely. Fuck the woman who just gave birth. Her needs and wants are irrelevant.

No-one is saying it is all about one side. Literally no-one. That would be a position that said "This woman is completely toxic and you are well within your rights never to see her again or to contact her or to have anything more to do with her". What the OP is suggesting IS a compromise - still do the visit, still see the in laws, still let them see the new arrival, but stay in a different house so that her circumstances as a new mum can have a bit of space too.

I genuinely and honestly cannot see where the compromise for the in laws is in a position that says "Just grin and bear it, put up with whatever they ask as it's just a weekend"?? Where are the in laws compromising in such a scenario? You can't say "In only seeing the GC every so often" because the distance between the two couples isn't a compromise - it's a circumstance. Just because you see someone infrequently does not mean you are allowed to behave however you like when you do see them!!

Ooops, x-posted with Jassy who just said the same thing but much more clearly and succinctly!

Yours was a hell of a lot more reasonable and less ranty, pig!

I don’t see how the OP is compromising by looking to stay elsewhere. A proper compromise would be OP’s husband sticking up for her and saying they’ll come and stay but she needs space and peace and quiet. And taking responsibility for his mother’s ceaseless chattering rather than letting the OP bear the full brunt. If these requests are not met then sure, stay somewhere else the next time. But - and I don’t know how many times I have to say this - it seems no one has spoken to MIL about how she comes across or done anything to get her to tone it down, and now the OP is taking the view that she’s got a baby now so she had an excuse to do what she likes, and other people’s feelings don’t matter especially people she finds tiresome and boring.

I’m sure if the boot was on the other foot some of you posters would have a little more sympathy for the MIL.

One person even said that it’s important for the OP to have her own space so that she can stay in bed all day and watch Netflix with the baby if she feels like it. How callous.

Why do you need time on your own with the GC? Why can’t his/her parents be there too? What do you want to do or say that you don’t want them there for?

Ive seen some people say this before on other threads and its such an awful attitude to have. The more people that love my children the better and until my Mum died I loved my DS spending time with her without me. It strengthened and fostered their relationship as separate from me which benefited them both. This particular statement sounds so paranoid as well.

I’d be extraordinarily surprised if nowhere in the MIL’s life to date no one had told her that it’s polite to ask other people questions about themselves and to allow two-way conversation.

Endless chattiness might just be excusable, if exhausting. Conversation that is entirely one-sided is rude, with no excuses.

Given OP isn’t compromising at all here, I guess she should just stay home? No difference, after all.

Laguna, I can totally see that for older kids, and I engineer as much solo grandparent time as possible for my kids.

But it’s fucking weird for grandparents to want to have tiny babies by themselves, without either parent around, as a PP suggested.

tokyo To put it bluntly, the OP is compromising by agreeing to spend hours of her time with a woman who patronises her, talks at her incessantly, and who bores her rigid. That IS a compromise, wouldn't you say? She is facilitating access between GP and child - I'm sure she would much rather not see them at all if this were all about her own feelings. That would be the selfish option and there are plenty of people who would simply not entertain the idea of driving a difficult 5.5. hour journey (each way) 5 weeks after giving birth in order to see a set of grandparents who show no interest in them personally.

I agree with you that the DH taking responsibility may indeed be a different and better compromise. I have said this a least four times on the thread - I think he should raise it in the most gentle and tactful way he can. However, given that her DH's support doesn't appear to be forthcoming, then staying in another property may be a better solution until he gets his act in to gear and sorts this out!

I repeat: I do not see how the in laws are compromising in a scenario where OP goes and just sucks all this stressful behaviour up, yet again.

How are the in laws supposed to compromise if they have no idea they’re doing anything wrong?

The OP said that now they have a baby and they’re their “own little family” it’s time to start setting some boundaries. I disagree. The time to start setting some boundaries was ages ago. If staying in their house is so intolerable, why didn’t they start staying elsewhere before? The fact that she wants to start doing it now suggests that the baby is being used as an excuse, or worse still, punishment.

If OP generally engages with MIL the bare minimum she thinks is necessary to be polite, then MIL is probably far more interested in spending time with the baby than the OP. To have them choose to stay elsewhere for the very first time now the baby is here is really quite cruel.

I don’t really understand how having a baby suddenly relieves you of any obligations you might previously have felt towards your in laws, or why it makes you more of a “little family” than you and your husband/partner were previously, or indeed less of a family with your in laws.

But I suppose if you want people to tell you that you’re a special snowflake entitled to do whatever you like just because you’ve had a baby (and that your mother in law is BVU for good measure), Mumsnet is probably the best place to post.

"Smart conversation" is what makes me feel this is more about OP's feelings about MIL rather than her need for privacy which feels rather secondary based on her responses.

FFS, this is your hubby's Mum, and he has not acted as her behaviour is not much of an issue - so how about making an effort for him if you can't do it for your MIL?

My MIL drones on and knows everything, her OH has telly on until 2am... but this is my OH's "normal" and I can do this a couple of times a year. I went up with new born. You can do it if you want.

The mil is not 'completely toxic' - the op just doesnt like her. And apparently wants 'clever conversation' - doesn't make a person toxic - over dramatic just a little

Christ, if someone was driving 5.5 hours with a newborn to facilitate me spending time with my grandkid, regardless of any other factors, and said that because they’ve got a newborn they feel they needed more space and to stay somewhere else

The grandparents are getting a long weekend with their new grandchild. The parents get 11 hours in a car with a newborn. They are doing this willingly but have said they’d feel more comfortable staying on their own.

Graciously agreeing when the parents say they’d like to stay on their own a 5 minute drive away is a bloody compromise regardless of MIL’s behaviour - even if we accept the (unlikely) premise that no one in her family have ever told or shown her that her behaviour is rude.

Not laying on a guilt trip would be the compromise.

Being privately disappointed but prioritising the needs of new parents who are making a big effort to see them would be the compromise.

To have them choose to stay elsewhere for the very first time now the baby is here is really quite cruel.

I missed this gem. What dramatics. Making a huge effort to facilitate large amounts of daytime contact with MIL is not ‘cruel’. Spending the night elsewhere is not ‘cruel’.

Staying home and avoiding the drive for the next six months might be cruel. Saying ‘we’d rather sleep somewhere else while the baby is still so small and disruptive and OP is still recovering from the birth, I’m sure you understand’ is not cruel.

Jessy, they’re doing the drive for the benefit of her husband’s grandparents, not PIL. The OP wants to stay elsewhere because she “cannot stand” her MIL.

It’s all there in the first post.

Apologies if I missed a bit where the OP came back and said that her husband has spoken to his mother and asked her to tone it down and be less overbearing and she had carried on regardless.

Those were not the main reasons for the op not wanting to do it though

And maybe the mil finds the op equally patronising and dull and is trying to make the best of it

"Yep. Absolutely. Fuck the woman who just gave birth. Her needs and wants are irrelevant."
I don't think just having given birth means you should be protected from people who talk too much.....

Jessy, they’re doing the drive for the benefit of her husband’s grandparents, not PIL. The OP wants to stay elsewhere because she “cannot stand” her MIL.

Yes, but she’s said she will spend almost all the time with her MIL. She’s facilitating the contact. She’s not cutting MIL out.

I grant you, it would be fucking cruel if OP said ‘MIL, I’m feeling much more vulnerable and exhausted than usual because I just gave birth, and I find your behaviour to me draining and rude, and I can’t stand spending time with you, so I want to sleep somewhere else.’

Did I miss the post where OP said this was her plan?

OP can’t be held responsible for her DH’s willingness or otherwise to tackle this with his mother. She is allowed to find a solution that balances the desire of her MIL to see the baby and her own need for peace and privacy at a tiring and vulnerable time.

Those were not the main reasons for the op not wanting to do it though

Not quite true - she said ‘I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help’ as one of the reasons for wanting to sleep elsewhere.