To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

@Shanners123 I am interested in the logistics of this from a personal perspective as I also have close family who live far away, and am currently pregnant. How will you get there? What are you doing about the 20 mins max in a car seat rule? I just cannot see how practically we're going to manage that with similar length journeys to you to make. Good luck and congrats on your baby! And, no, YANBU, but I agree with other posters: make it not about them, paint yourself as the considerate one and and assure them you'll spend plenty of time there but nights are tough and you don't want to inflict it on them!

“@soozikinzi - why do you need time on your own with your grandchild? My MIL is always trying to get my kids on her own, even when we're all around - takes them to a different room, deliberately lagging behind on a walk etc. I don't understand and find this very annoying. Perhaps you could shed some light?”

Can you explain why you find it annoying? I don’t have grandchildren, but I used to find it very endearing when mine were small, and they went off on little “adventures” with the other adults in their lives. It’s good for them to have one to one attention from people who aren’t their parents, and to start the process of making their own relationships with people. My dd is adult now, but still remembers going for walks with her grandma (a very keen gardener) and plant spotting.

YANBU, I did the same thing for my last trip to the in-laws, was 100% better & now my SIL is following suit.

Do what makes you happy - especially when feeding with such a little baby.

I remember dreading spending Christmas with my IL when DD was 8 weeks old... MIL is not nearly as bad but I remember hating the "hide and seek" breastfeeding... It turned out very very good. Caught up with loads of sleep while others fussed over DD and just brought her back to me when hungry. Retreating to our bedroom for breastfeeding ended up providing a sort of calm retreat instead of feeling isolating as I had feared (I am an extrovert though...).

Are you good with "white" lies? Because you have just been diagnosed with anemia (or maybe someone else can come up with something else?) and do need LOTS of rest. Bring books. Go to your bedroom, with or without baby, anytime she starts to be too much. On the plus side, meals will miraculously appear then get cleared away. Do not underestimate this... ;)

Good luck!

Gosh I think you are being a bit harsh.
I think it is fine to stay in the holiday home if it is free but be a bit more compassionate about your MIL.
Give her a little bit of time with your baby and explain to her that you need your space you are breast feeding and you and your hubby need time together to look after the baby. Talk to her & explain it.

Chicoletta, why on earth would you not want your children to spend time alone with your children and form that child-grandparent bond.
Why as a parent do you need to micromanage their every existence.
As long as you are comfortable they are safe and happy why would that annoy you so much. If they wanted you they will call out for you.

@reluctantlondoner
20 minutes max?! Isn't it more like an hour or so..?

I travelled 3 hours to PIL in with a 3 week old, which turned into 5 hours with an accident on the M25. We stopped at the services halfway at about 1.5 hours in. I sat in the back with the baby to keep an eye on her position and breathing to ensure she was comfortable.

In the end, family is family, and unless they are actively toxic, aggressive etc, I don’t think it’s a big deal to smile and nod for a long weekend.

Patronising? But you only like ‘smart’ conversation. Introverts frequently place lots of responsibility on extroverts and chatterers, but maybe she finds you uncommunicative and rude.

Don’t deliberately restrict your conversation (as you are doing), take her ad she comes and engage sense of humour.

Staying elsewhere when invited by them is a very very strong signal.

I really don't know @WTFdidwedo I am pregnant with DC1 and there seems to be a lot banded around about 20 mins max at one time with a newborn... not sure when they stop being newborn?! Interested in others' opinions...

Imo it's an ideal chance for your dh to show where his loyalties lie.

Uncle's house it is.

Or he is free to stay at his dm's and you will be at the uncle's!!

“Imo it's an ideal chance for your dh to show where his loyalties lie.“

Yep. Force him to choose. That’s an excellent plan.

YANBU. If she were to overstep the mark, you're looking after a lovely new baby and you might snap out of your politeness simply out of tiredness - then say something you regret which would make it even worse.

Your DH must insist that as a family you need your own space and it shouldn't be taken personally. My sympathies.

My in laws also wanted to do the “alone” thing when my first was a baby and I hated it (even though I like them very much). It was an almost visceral need to be close to my baby and although I am a very non anxious person, I did feel anxious and even slightly panicky when he was out of my sight.

They didn’t help by trying (I think) to “give me time” by always being later than we had agreed when we met up and they had taken my son. Drive me mad.

Since he’s got older though both of us have calmed a bit. I know he’s in good hands and they seem less insistent on always taking him (now them) away from me.

Never really got what it was all about though.

Can you suggest that next time you stay with them, but right now it's still early days, you are still establishing your supply with breastfeeding (you're not far off the 6 week cluster feeding stage) and so you want a bit of space and calm this time, with such a young baby. It isn't that long after the birth either, you'll still be recovering from that. I think going up there with a long journey is a big enough ask tbh, since you've got the option of your own space this time I think it definitely makes sense to go with it. Then I'd suggest putting something in diary (for a few months hence?) when you know things will be a bit more established. I'd make it all about you as a post partum, sleep-deprived, hormonal, breastfeeding mother - don't mention things like worrying the baby will wake your ILs as they can argue back about that.

Having space and a few boundaries for your own sanity does not mean the ILs are being cut out of their GC's life. Longer term and as their GC gets bigger, of course you want them to bond and develop their own relationship with him. But 5 weeks is still quite early, your hormones will still be all over the place. Whatever makes life easier right now, others need to respect that.

I love my MIL but not my FIL who is a great talker so I always use bathrooms as an excuse to stay in a hotel nearby - they only have 1 main bathroom and I like my privacy as do my teen dcs. I also like the thought that we can retreat and have some down time at the end of the day.

However you don't come across very nicely OP and clearly don't like your PILs - the comment about 'smart' conversation says a lot. I think it's only natural that your PIL want to spend time with your baby - they will be very aware that you don't get on with them and that your Parents see a lot of the baby.

What does you DH say about it? They are his parents

Hmm.

I live very far away from my parents. I don't have kids yet but I know that my mother is desperate to be a grandma and already upset that if and when it happens she won't be able to see them that often.

I would just put up with it for a few days.

YANBU

I have never had a great relationship with my DM who lives 5 hours away and after my DF passed away I very nearly went NC. However my DM is making an effort now to be nicer and more respectful towards me, and is desperate to have a relationship with her new GD.

The first time my DM came up to stay (with DB) when DD was 3 weeks there wasn't room for both of them so they stayed in a local B&B and she was totally ok with this. The second time she came up, (for a week) she stayed with me, but I made it very clear that if it wasn't working for me she would have to find a local B&B instead, she was okay with this, and it was a good week. I think the week worked because I knew I could ask her to stay elsewhere if I needed to without being rude as I had pre-established the boundaries.

OP maybe you could take the same approach, start the stay with PIL but explain before you go that so early postpartum and whilst so hormonal and tired you won't know quite how you will handle it, so may move out at anytime into uncles house/ local B&B.

I think you are a bit yes. It's a bit of an insult not to want to stay with them if I'm honest.
Plus it's not fair on your husband either.

The first time you visit the in laws with the new baby you want to live in a holiday let, really? At least save that for the 2nd or 3rd visit. YABVU I’m afraid - especially since your family see the baby a few times every week. If I were your dh I would have requested that you make both sets of family visits equal.

YABU

Not enough smart converse with you? Christ! You sound like my Sil who’s a stuck up cow and thinks she’s better than everyone else

^I agree. This is your DHs mother. How about showing a bit of respect

I bet if your partner was not keen on YOUR family you would not keep them at arms length and people would call him a controlling arse.

You dont like your MIL i get it, its trendy to hate your inlaws because they are not your blood family but suck it up dear she is not toxic.

Staying elsewhere when invited by them is a very very strong signal.

I agree with this. This is the problem. And potentially you set things off on the wrong foot, even if unintentionally. Will you have a room at PILs? Fine, I think, to explain that you will want to have a bit of privacy/quiet time for feeding and expect that to be requested. But staying somewhere else will look very, very pointed.

I stay in a hotel when we visit my PIL because I'm expected to sleep in the living room on a sofa as their rooms are all in use and they only have one bathroom between 7 of us which stresses me the fuck out. It does depend how much space is available I think.

YANBU - I find my mil as hard work as you find yours for similar reasons - she is so draining to be around.

I'm only 20 weeks pregnant and she's already going on about when it will be her turn to have the baby when we go out etc. She only lives 15 minutes away! Set the boundaries now and don't give in - it's what I'll be doing.

Yanbu.

A trip like this will be really stressful with a 5 week old (even if your in-laws were the easiest/loveliest in-laws in the world!) so you need to do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. You must impress this on your dh. It doesn't have to be set in stone forever. When the baby is older, you might be ok about staying with your in-laws but tell him, seriously, not this time. You haven't even fully recovered from the birth yet, even if you feel ok physically, your body has been through a major event just short time ago and your hormones are probably still in mother tiger mode! Be kind to yourself.

you can stay where you like obviously. I do think that you might find as your child gets older its nice for them to have sleepovers at grandmas and a pity for your DH if he never gets to spend a night at his parents house because you think his mim talks too much. If it's just for this one visit because of bfeeding and nightime with baby the YANBU if you are proposing never staying at his parents' house again then I think YABU.