To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

"I can't fathom out why if you dislike her she's much that you're not able to zone out. Surely it would be easy?"

I can't do this. It may be easy for you, I find it impossible.

Yanbu. Stay where you feel comfortable.

I wonder if all the people who say yabu are either extroverts and so don't really understand or have never been on the receiving end of a days long monologue.

You'll need to sit with your boobs out to feed the baby, do what makes you feel comfortable

YANBU! I had a MiL like this and it's incredibly stressful to have someone talk at you endlessly. And with a babe....! Your solution looks like a perfect compromise.

I've never understood theGPs wanting their own quality time with GCs either. It isn't a timeshare.

I'm not sure if it's easy pigmcpigface.
But if someone regularly drones on and on and I'm finding it hard to sit there I will go and make a cup of tea, or try and get in on the conversation too. FIL drives me to distraction with his endless tales ( that we've heard many times before ) sometimes I'll listen but other times I will go out with the dog, pop to the shop or just go upstairs.

YADNBU.

Apart from all the breastfeeding/up all night arguments which are enough in themselves... I've got a lovely friend who talks a lot. I went out for a group meal with her recently and for the entire time, she didn't stop. She completely dominated the entire conversation from start to finish and presented herself as the designated expert on every subject. It was utterly exhausting. I have to limit contact with her or I would go crazy!

I empathise on the conversations... my MIL is exactly the same - people I've never met, what changes have been made at the local leisure centre etc. BUT I do think it's part and parcel and what I've married into and much as it bores me to tears, it's only once in a while.

I think you should give it a go staying with MIL this time and if it doesn't work because of the baby, then you have good grounds not to do it again. You may be surprised that it goes ok. If you never try, you'll forever be the bad guy in this.

YANBU - I agree that you should stay where you feel relaxed as this is pretty essential in these early day with a newborn, BF baby. I never managed more than a couple of hours of my ILs at that stage, as I was exhausted and, like you, I EBF and wanted some privacy. So this time I think it's fine and while your baby is young and will wake and cry in the night you can definitely, reasonably say it's so that everyone gets some sleep. Don't always stay at the uncle's house in future though. It's fine to set boundaries, but try to be flexible and kind. I know it's hard and that the DIL/ILs relationship is often a hard one, particularly when they give unwanted advice (my MIL did this too, making loud comments about how she didn't understand why anyone would bother to BF, how she put her two DC on a 'schedule' from day one and left them to cry until 3 hours was up each time, and how I should wean DS with hot dog FFS!). Take a deep breath and do your best, but right now I think you're being entirely reasonable to want some space.

You sound horrid! Is this going to be her treatment as g c grows. Poor women her only crime is talking uninteresting conversation. She is going to be heartbroken. Don't forget she gave birth to your husband, now give her at least a little respect. Is that too much to ask or is this how mil are normally treated, I hope not.

You've clearly never had to endure this kind of thing if you're calling the OP 'horrid' blue. My FIL talked non-stop, barely took a breath, and droned on for hours about his personal interests. As a DIL/guest you can't just interrupt or walk out of the room (which my DH regularly did), you have to sit there, smiling and nodding and it's not only utterly tedious, but exhausting.

juneau Did you live 5 hours from your in-laws at the time? If the OP limits her time with them to a couple of hours a day then she (and more importantly, her husband and baby) will potentially spend less time actually with the PIL than travelling to see them. I really can't see the OP being able to get away with just a couple of hours at a time when they are so far away. I bet if they stay at the uncle's house they'll be expected to do a full eight hour shift with the PILs during the day.

"Sometimes I'll listen but other times I will go out with the dog, pop to the shop or just go upstairs."

See, this is exactly what I think the OP should do. But she can't because she's currently caught in the Politeness Trap, and therefore thinks of such behaviours as rude. Which they would be in any normal context. (You don't normally break off a conversation in the middle to pop to the shops - it's an awful thing to do in most situations!!) These coping strategies aren't really zoning out, so much as walking out, though!

They lived 45 mins away, but we only saw them every few weeks. They weren't very attentive GPs (mercifully!), but when we saw them they insisted on coming over or us visiting them at times that were horrible for DS (in the middle of his nap, or in the evening when he was tired and cranky), and they would then wake him up and pass him around, taking umpteen photos of themselves with him, while completely ignoring me. The first time they did it I hid in our bedroom and cried - and then they kept doing it

That does sound awful, to be fair.

But imagine your son or daughter lived five hours away and had a child. And then they came to "visit" but decided to stay a five minute drive away and your visits were rationed to a couple of hours at a time.

Wouldn't you be thoroughly miserable at the thought that your precious grandchild was five minutes away and you still couldn't cuddle them because your daugher or son in law didn't want to stay with you?

YANBU at all... even if you loved your MIL to bits... why all be on top of each other with a new baby in one house when theres a potentially free holiday cottage nearby??? madness!
I love my parents but if we have enough money at the time they visit they stay in a nearby holiday let... because ive a toddler and soon a new baby and all staying in one house is very stressful. Dont see why anyone reasonable would be offended by this!

You sound very intolerant. It's all part and parcel of being part of a bigger family , you dlso sound a bit superior

My MIL is a chatter, I usually don't mind but feel I have to be 'on' every time we visit, they live a couple of hours away so it's often at least an overnight stay, although they come to us just as often if not more. We stayed this weekend for the first time since we found out I'm expecting, she was wonderful, telling me to feel free to nap or lie down with my book if tired, food popped up regularly, went out and got decaffeinated tea and far too many soft drinks, she's just so excited she's even said they want to help us out with pram/ furniture etc but for me to choose and just to let her know whatever we want. We have her an envelope with a scan picture, she thought it was some prints from a recent holiday, she cried a bit and rushed straight past DH to hug me. Don't underestimate how much this means to PILs, and you can have a relaxing weekend where you take yourself off for naps/feeds etc and be catered to, even if she is a bit chatty, as PPs have said she might find you a bit uncommunicative and over compensates trying to find common ground.

Don't forget she gave birth to your husband, now give her at least a little respect. Is that too much to ask or is this how mil are normally treated, I hope not

Blue why doesn't the DH give his mum respect by listening to her instead of zoning out?

Why is it the OP's job to give this 'respect' of listening to the monologues?

The DH needs to find a way to make this bearable for OP. When my
MIL would chat on the phone a lot my DH would realise when I had enough and take the phone back and pretend he had to speak to his mum.

Instead this H seems to be happy his wife is taking the conversation ball all the time so doesn't have to engage with his mum at all.

I think you're bring a bit harsh. She's probably looking forward to being helpful, cooking for you, plenty of cups of teas. Taking baby out for a walk whilst you rest.

I think its fine whilst baby is small and you are EBF. We stayed with my MIL when DD was small and she kept barging into bedroom (including early in the morning to wake us all up for breakfast). She was also very weird about me still EBF at 8 weeks and made some interesting comments that made me feel awkward! However now DD is older, even though DH and I would prefer not to stay with her due to her distinct lack of boundaries and we have access to a motorhome we could stay nearby in we do stay with her a couple of times a year to avoid hurting her feelings.

Please don't use breast feeding as an excuse

"Why is it the OP's job to give this 'respect' of listening to the monologues? The DH needs to find a way to make this bearable for OP."

This 100%. There is a worrying assumption that this is "expected wifework" on this thread. There are alternatives: MIL could actually think whether people want to listen to her talk for 10 hours a day and tone it down like a reasonable person, DH could step in and be attentive and listen to his own mother, giving OP the chance to have a break, and OP can get her assertive pants on and take time for herself. A combination of all three is probably needed.

Those with no sympathy for the OP have just never experienced truly remorseless talking. My mother was like that, and almost drove me crazy. I had an uncle who was a JW who would back you into a corner and lecture you for hours about the bible. I have no interest in religion, don't have a 'spiritual' bone in my body, but he wouldn't shut up. Once when he was wagging his finger in my face I leaned forward and bit it, he just withdrew the hand and continued ranting, he didn't notice.

Non-stop talking is a compulsive disorder IMO, and very unfair on the person who's being held captive. Being rude, telling someone to shut up, you're not interested...nothing works because the talker is not in control of it, and anyway they don't give a fuck whether you want to listen, they want to talk.

button-hole (n.)

1560s, "hole or loop in which a button is caught," from button (n.) + hole (n.). The verb, also buttonhole, meaning "to detain (someone) in conversation against his will" (1862) was earlier button-hold (1834), from button-holder (1806, in this sense). The image is of holding someone by the coat-button so as to detain him.

My mother is a non stop talker and it exhausts me.

Breast feeding is the perfect excuse to take a break and hide out. and have a wee nap

You assaulted your uncle by biting him? Nice!!

Juells my mil is like that and I tolerate it because she's my husband's mother and she means well. Just be nice