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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay with PIL?

269 replies

Shanners123 · 29/05/2018 08:13

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 13:09

I don't think just having given birth means you should be protected from people who talk too much.....

Lucky no one’s suggesting that, eh, Bert? Only that OP’s willingness to be an audience for the self-absorbed, opinionated endless conversation (not just talking too much - you’re usually more honest than this!) of her MIL might be slightly balanced with her own needs by spending the broken nights a 5 minute drive away.

The MIL’s time with the baby is important - OP recognises this. I’m saying that OP is also important and is allowed to balance her needs with those of her MIL.

hildabaker · 30/05/2018 13:11

OP, YANBU.

As others have said, you have to experience first hand the awfulness of someone who Never.Shuts.The.Fuck.Up. to truly appreciate the terribleness of it. My mum means well but goes on and on and on...ad nauseum..and then on some more. So I know what the OP is going through.

Get yourself some peace, OP>

Bluelady · 30/05/2018 13:22

This is a fascinating thread as our situation is almost completely the reverse. My stepson and his wife press invitations upon us to go and stay with them. The house is tiny, they go to bed ridiculously early and she says so little that I know her no better than the first time I met her four years ago. We've managed to swerve every invitation so far but I know the time's coming when we have say we'll go for a weekend but will stay in a hotel. What fun it will be breaking that news.

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 13:30

Forgive me if I don't take as absolute gospel a person who says that they "enjoy smart conversation" when they describe the discourse of someone they clearly despise......

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 14:01

Forgive me if I don't take as absolute gospel a person who says that they "enjoy smart conversation" when they describe the discourse of someone they clearly despise......

Someone who’s acknowledged it was a poor choice of words and clarified what she meant by it?

Maybe OP’s MIL doesn’t talk at all. Maybe OP hasn’t even had a baby...

reluctantlondoner · 30/05/2018 14:10

I wonder about the generation of the people on here who think it's outrageous / offensive not to stay in the PIL house. My parents (60s) definitely think it's offensive not to stay with people / have them to stay, even when it's inconvenient and uncomfortable (money not an issue). However, my generation (30s) would never think this. I would never want to impose myself on someone and would usually rather stay in my own space. I also don't particularly like having house guests but have to, because it's what the older generation expect!

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 14:41

My parents (60s) definitely think it's offensive not to stay with people / have them to stay, even when it's inconvenient and uncomfortable (money not an issue).

Lots of my mum’s friends are like this, so she grits her teeth. You know when someone’s a really good friend because she’ll stay in a hotel when she visits them.

I’m glad we are close enough to tell me how she really feels, and that she trusts me to understand and accommodate her preferences even though they aren’t mine.

LoveInTokyo · 30/05/2018 16:42

I’m in my 30s.

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 16:47

I'm old and generally prefer if visitors stayed in the b&b just a few doors doors away. But I would be sad if my children didn't stay with me.

Bluelady · 30/05/2018 16:52

I'm old too. And would much rather not stay with the kids, I value my comfort too much.

SandAndSea · 30/05/2018 17:38

I don't think just having given birth means you should be protected from people who talk too much.....

Honestly, Bertrand, I haven't just given birth but felt extremely weary recently after just a couple of hours with my friend. For some people, this sort of thing can be quite torturous and certainly wearing.

ReggaetonLente · 30/05/2018 17:55

My post upthread keeps being quoted out of context. For the seventh or eighth time, I think it is fine, more than fine, wonderful and healthy for children to have alone time with GPs - but I think this should be parent led at first and, when the child is old enough, child led.

I do not think it is fair for a GP to say, as one did up thread, ‘I’ll be happy as long as I get a good amount of one on one time with the baby’. I don’t think anyone has a right to one on one time with any baby except their own.

I am not paranoid and I have good relationships with my PIL who ironically show pretty much no interest in GC!

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 18:15

Doesn't one on one just mean cuddling?

notpastaagain · 30/05/2018 18:37

I read the message earlier and also read it as one on one 'cuddle time': nothing sinister.

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 20:10

I read it differently:

Just as long as I can get some nice quiet time on my own with my grandchild.

Nice quiet time on my own to me implies no one else around/talking/sharing the baby.

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 20:12

I agree that one in one sounds different. But that’s not what was written.

Ragwort · 30/05/2018 20:32

I haven't even got a DIL but I am dreading being expected/invited to stay at their home, I think it is much easier all round to stay in a local hotel and enjoy quality time visiting rather than all the stress and worry of staying in someone else's home.

We are the age when we have stayed with friends/relations over the years but it isn't easy. I can remember sneaking out for a walk once at 6am as clearly everyone else was enjoying a lie in and I just wanted to get on with my day