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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay with PIL?

269 replies

Shanners123 · 29/05/2018 08:13

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

OP posts:
juneau · 29/05/2018 11:36

There is a worrying assumption that this is "expected wifework" on this thread.

Hear hear! MN is funny place a lot of time - so empowering and feminist at times - and so old-fashioned and 'put up and shut up' the rest of the time. The OP shouldn't feel like she has to hide out at someone else's house in order to get a bit of peace and quiet. The MIL should have a bit of self-awareness that she's boring her DIL to death and shut the hell up every now and again. Failing that, how about FIL or DH have a quiet word with her about her non-stop talking? Why is the OP's desire for peace less valid that the MIL's 'right' to bore on about things that no-one else cares about? How about the OP's DH says 'Mum, OP doesn't know these people that you're talking about' and then changes the subject? A little bit of carefully timed intervention could go a long way towards making these visits more bearable.

OP, can you talk to your DH about this and ask for his help?

fuzzywuzzy · 29/05/2018 11:38

I don’t understand why anyone apart from parents think they should have alone time with a five week breastfed baby!

My IL’s live far from us so when we see them it’s over a few days. They’ve never once demanded to have dc (first grandchild) alone, ever.

I’m more than happy to hand dc over and get on with getting them food or wandering off to do other stuff as I know they’re loving grandparents and dc is safe and happy with them. And I have the greatest love and respect for my IL’s because of their kindness and consideration towards me, the mother of their grandchild not the bloody vessel who had their grandchild and should disappear now they have a gc.

What does wanting alone time with your newborn gc even mean? You want your dil and ds to leave their brand new baby with you for the day and disappear? Can you not see this would cause huge anxiety to a lot of new parents and be impossible for breastfeeding mothers?

tolerable · 29/05/2018 11:38

you could try implementing the politeness ;as previously stayed with tyhem she hardly jumped the gun assuming this time too.communication is key

Juells · 29/05/2018 11:39

@Helendee

You assaulted your uncle by biting him? Nice!!

I'm willing to bite any finger that's wagged in my face.

Oldraver · 29/05/2018 11:41

Nope stay where you are comfortable. In the spirit of 'fairness' we usd to alternate staying with PIL's and my folks. Only PIL's house was freezing cold, no heating upstairs at all, I used to ask permission to put the hot water on for a bath, and they were shocked I wanted one every other day..It was like bleak house. No effort at all to host or make us comfortable...I put up with that for years.

With a newborn you need to feel relaxed

juneau · 29/05/2018 11:41

I agree Juells! I'd have bloody bitten him too.

Actually, now if someone tried to pin me against a wall and lecture me I'd push past them saying 'Excuse me, I think I'm about to be sick' Grin

Helendee · 29/05/2018 11:43

As I said "Nice"!

codswallopandbalderdash · 29/05/2018 11:49

Having read more of this thread - all those who are saying just get on with it have obviously never had to put up with people like this, or the situation. And frankly as a new mum your needs come first. I hate to tell you this but your MIL behaviour will become more entrenched the older she gets - so i think you do need to do what feels best for you and your immediate family

HyacinthsBucket70 · 29/05/2018 11:50

I find the MIL hatred on this site really really saddening. This lady brought your DH into the world and shaped him into the person that he is - someone you love enough to have married and had children with. You live hundreds of miles away, barely ever see your MIL and yet you're making a huge issue about staying for 4 days with their grandchild.
I think it's awful, OP, that you can't make that effort for your DH and your DC. She's probably chattering away to fill the awkward silence that you'd rather sit in. This lady is going to be an important part of your DCs life as well as your DHs and making an effort can surely only improve the situation. I would be massively offended if my DDs DH didn't want to stay with us.

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 11:51

My MIL is like this in that she never stops talking and I am an introvert who really can't cope with it. She explained to me once that if she isn't talking it feels as though the walls are closing in on her, she talks constantly through films, if I am trying to read a book etc. Unless you have experienced that level of talking and the fact that the conversation is dull and repetitive due to the fact that there isn't enough to say to fill the time then you don't understand just how exhausting it is.

Helendee · 29/05/2018 11:55

But there are far worse things to worry about than talking too much surely? It's annoying but hardly crime of the decade and we all put up with irritations in our relationships for the sake of harmony.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 11:56

all those who are saying just get on with it have obviously never had to put up with people like this

My mum is like this and so is my father in law. And yes, it can be hard going. But I also know that my mum means well and that if I ever went to visit with a new baby and didn't stay with her and my dad it would be heartbreaking for her.

juneau · 29/05/2018 11:56

So you'd just stand there like a martyr, would you Helendee, waiting for the person to finish talking, even if it was hours?

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 11:57

It's not an irritation though Helen at this level. It is constant so I can't even think at all, if I go to the loo she will follow and talk through the door. As an introvert it has an awful impact on my wellbeing especially as they stay at least two nights at a time.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 11:59

Osopolar have you asked her to go away when she is talking to you through the bathroom door? Has your husband had a word?

Lacucuracha · 29/05/2018 12:01

But in this case it's OP bearing the brunt as all the men are absolved of responsibility for listening to MIL but OP must make the effort with MIL.

I've said throughout that OP should stay with PIL but needs her DH's support in dealing with MIL.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 12:04

I've said throughout that OP should stay with PIL but needs her DH's support in dealing with MIL.

This.

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 12:09

We have spoken to her Tokyo and DH has explained about introversion which she had never heard of. However her argument is that the walls close in on her so she has to talk.

livefornaps · 29/05/2018 12:10

Just tell your husband to occupy her! Why is he getting off the hook?! Tell him he's not to leave you alone with her and if she's bletheting, to distract and lead her away. Maybe have a signal. But they are clearly looking forward to hosting you and to be honest all this recent "now we are our own little family" is a load of bollocks to be quite honest and just ostracises people. No wonder we have a loneliness problem in this country - people can't learn to deal with each other but in the end, we do need each other! Imagine your precious little baby growing up and then saying so long and thanks for all the fish, mum, I have my "own" family now. Load of suite.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2018 12:12

It’s also interesting that on Mumsnet, the paternal grandparents are not “immediate family”.

Helendee · 29/05/2018 12:13

Juneau yes I do put up with this from my own MIL. She's an old lady and I put up with it for my husband's sake and because it's a few hours out of a month, no biggie really. We stay for a few hours then go. No one is perfect.

Helendee · 29/05/2018 12:14

Osopolar, maybe she is lonely and doesn't talk to many people? Just a thought.

Helendee · 29/05/2018 12:16

As an introvert myself I know how you feel and could quite happily spend most of my time alone curled up with my books but I try to just suck it up when I have to.

juneau · 29/05/2018 12:18

Helen fine - even I can do a few hours - but the OP is supposed to be staying for 48 hours. That is a long time with a non-stop talker.

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 12:19

She lives with her husband and youngest son Helen and has a full time job as a teacher, attends church and sees friends regularly. Her daughter lives in the same city and is round regularly, she really isn't lonely. I hasten to add I get on with her otherwise and she is a regular visitor and I encourage her relationship with DH and DS. She isn't a bad person just hard for me to spend prolonged periods with. I just understand how OP feels and given that she is only 5 weeks pp and establishing breastfeeding incompletely understand why she wants to stay separately