To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

What if your DH felt like that about your own mother and did his best to avoid going over and staying? On some things you just have to suck it up for the greater good, especially in this situation. It's not like you're having to do it often. Otherwise it can sour your relationship with your DH in the future.

You sound really selfish. How would you feel if your dh didn't like your parents and objected to them visiting a couple of times a week?

Does your husband treat your parents in the same way ?

But no one will expect her to be in the same room for 48 hours, they can go to their bedroom, out for walks. I really don't see it as a huge problem.

"You sound really selfish."

No, what is really selfish is droning on for hours and hours without any regard for your interlocutor. Conversation is an emotional thing - it's not only a two-way interaction, it's a two-way investment. Why should someone have to put up with unsolicited advice and patronising comments (it's in the OP) from someone who takes no interest in them personally?

"How would you feel if your dh didn't like your parents and objected to them visiting a couple of times a week?"

Look, you reap what you sow. If you're a lovely, supportive, decent person who treats everyone with dignity, respect and love, people will want to see you.

Maybe the MIL is irritated by her DIL's lack of conversation but she still offers them hospitality as she naturally wants to see her family.

Where does the OP say that she doesn't make conversation Helen? There should be a balance between conversation and peace and quiet which most people do naturally, pausing after saying something to enable the other person to formulate a response, reading a book or watching a film quietly together in the evening etc.

YADNBU

Breastfeeding is bloody hard work that early, and it's so much easier if you do t have to cover up/keep going into another room every time the baby wants to feed! For this reason alone you are not being unreasonable.

It's nice of you to even travel so far with such a tiny baby! I wouldn't be too bothered about PIL kicking up a fuss, stay where you are most comfortable. I'm sure they will settle back down once they see you all.

OP I understand. I really really do. I’ve been there. But. We stayed with the in laws. In was excruciating. DH understood, felt the same way. Protected me as best he could. It gets easier. It takes practice. We play mental PIL Bingo and compare score sheets at the end of the evening.

I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation.

Does this come across as snobby and rude if you don't speak unless you find something intellectual to say? Maybe your MIL thinks so and maybe she talks constantly to fill the silence.

I'm a bit introverted and I enjoy 'smart' conversation but I can also talk the biggest load of crap about anything to anyone and I enjoy that too.
When you're in company do you need to speak and be social, not only if there's something to say and if it's smart enough.

I didn't really get on with my mil so I can understand, but I still took the dcs to her and talked to her about what she wanted to talk about and generally made an effort (until she became a bit twisted). This was for my dcs relationship with the gps and also for my dh.

She gave birth to your husband and raised him

Doesn't mean they have to be close or enjoy each other company.

DH's DM was lovely most of the time but I also needed to escape and have some peace! It's not natural to be thrown together 24/7 in anyone's company.

I think you are being very unfair and quite mean spirited. If they live quite far away they won't see the baby that much. By staying with them they will spend more time with the baby. By not staying with them you are intentionally snubbing them. yes she is boring and irritating but you should be able to put up with that for a few days really. How would you feel if your dh told you he would rather not stay with your parents if the situation was reserved. I am guessing you would think he was being difficult.

I understand how you feel and how stressful it will be. Is there any chance you could do it just this once and if it's really as bad as you imagine then stay elsewhere next time?

MIL might be so focused on baby that she doesn't dominate the conversation, you never know!

Your DH needs to be able to inform his mum when it's time to give baby back to you though. DH has just had to do this with his dm, despite dc2 pooping and me saying we need to change him now (he poops so much his poor bum is really sore) she still wouldn't let go of him for another half hour when she finally let go after DH had told her for the second time to give him back to me. Your DH needs to do the same if she isn't listening to you.

think you are being very unfair and quite mean spirited. If they live quite far away they won't see the baby that much. By staying with them they will spend more time with the baby

No! It'll get to the stage that OP won't end to go at all, after spending 6 hours in the car who wants to be mattered to for hours? The visits will get less frequent.

Best to keep a distance and keep some contact surely?

I actually feel sorry for MIL.
Neither her Hubby or kids listen to her when they get together. Poor woman. I bet she feels like she has someone to talk to when you are there.

There's nothing saying she's horrible - just chatty. I bet she desperately wants you to be her friend, OP.

3 or 4 times a year and I'd really make an effort. Sometimes people offer an opinion as they want a conversation. Give your MIL a break.

Honestly many people on here think that as soon as they have children they do not need to be obliged to do anything with their in laws or family. Presumably the Op has coped with their boring conversation before and has survived. Her MIL is not unpleasant she is tedious. That said, the OP says she is very excited and keen to see her grandchild.

There is already five hours' worth of distance.

The thing is that if OP dislikes her MIL's company so much, it's quite obvious how it'll end up if they stay at the uncle's house. The OP will try to limit the time she has to spend with her MIL as much as possible.

So the poor PIL will be going mad with frustration knowing that the grandchild they desperately want to see is just five minutes' drive away but might as well be five hours away for all they get to see of him/her.

I find it odd that the people calling op UR and selfish have nothing to say about the DH, FIL or BIL. It's all OP's responsibility apparently.

The men's lack of engagement with MIL is being used as a reason for why OP should make more of an effort with MIL.

@Lacucuracha

The men's lack of engagement with MIL is being used as a reason for why OP should make more of an effort with MIL.

What else are women for?

I think these relationships with MILs still have old fashioned traditions installed in them where we (the women) were meant to sit and listen to our mothers and mil on whatever subject they were discussing, as I remember my mother describing or saw her doing with my grandmothers. However, I think attitudes have changed, people are less likely to do these things that they don’t enjoy as much. I’m in my early forties and whilst I get in well with my MIL and she comes over regularly, sometimes I want a break from her. She talks a lot and quite repetitively and can be antagonistic with me on some subjects where she knows I think differently to her. We still stay with her even though her house is filthy, uncomfortable and cold, but as I get older I feel less inclined at times to put my comfort second place.
What I’m saying basically is that the op has a young baby, it’s an exhausting time and some people need more to themselves at different points. Someone taking offence because you don’t need to stay at their house is their problem, not yours. Do what suits you at this time.

I'm sure there are nuances to the situation and I'm sure wether or not we think you are being totally reasonable or not, your mother in law will think it's unreasonable and there will be exhausting consequences. If LO was older id say it's only a weekend. Having an annoying mother in law is part of the package of having a supportive husband who gives you orgasms and a beautiful baby who breaks your full heart. Once your husband drops the ball on his part of the deal you can ditch the MIL niceties.
However, your baby is 5 WEEKS OLD. No matter how confident the most confident feeders feel, you are still establishing breastfeeding. If you get shamed into shortening one feed your supply drops the next day. Do not put that at risk. If you think you can feed EXACTLY as you do at home, then the dull conversation and unsolicited advice are just that but if it's going to interfere with your position, length of feeds and the comfort of baby, don't risk it.
I was in hospital for a fortnight with my now 5 month old baby and the lack of privacy and constant interference and the pressure of other mums feeding quickly and discreetly around me affected me immensely and meant that we had to pump for a further 3 months to establish feeding. A weekend is a long time in early breastfeeding.
Follow your instincts OP.

What else are women for?

Indeed!

Crazy that the people best placed to encourage MIL to modulate her behaviour (her husband and sons) are let off the hook but an introvert DIL she rarely sees must adjust her own behaviour so as not to offend MIL.

"There's nothing saying she's horrible - just chatty."

From the OP:

• MIL says 'anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind'
• 'She's unintentionally patronising'
• 'She talks is the subject expert on everything'
• 'she's never truly engaged with me in any real way'
• 'She picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it'

Sounds pretty much like the definition of a selfish social interaction to me.

My first reaction OP was to think -well your PILS can't argue with geography! I say this as when I first started lurking on mumsnet my DS had got engaged and I was beginning to fret about not seeing him as much as he saw her parents, and also that the wedding venue had been changed to a distant (UK) resort. In "learning to be a MIL" I soon realised that the B&G wishes are paramount for the wedding, so accepted that; as for the frequency of seeing our respective DC's I soon told myself it was a no-brainer - they lived 30 min from her parents and 2 hours from us. So your PILS have no leg to stand on to complain about not seeing their DGC as much as your DPs. (Wedding never came off in the end so I'm still learning to be a future MIL)

It's one weekend. You can suck it up to keep the peace. Many people don't love staying with the in-laws but it's something that we just need to do sometimes.