His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

[Idoidoido]

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

Take the key off her!

If she can't use the key in an appropriate way, (eg checking post while you're on holiday) then she needs to give it back

His dc still feel like it's their home as do my grown up dc. The ex wife prob won't do it again I'm sure it was worse for her than you. Personally I'd never move into someone else's home move in to somewhere else together maybe? Or accept its his house his rules.

Tbf, they are his children! I think YABU to expect them not to use their key, perhaps just ask them to text you if they're on their way?

Is it the house they grew up in?

YABU. It's not unusual for adult children to have a key for the house if it was once one of their homes. The exw just came in with the DC.

I can't imagine all of a sudden expecting my children to knock on the door, how ever old they are.

Why does she still have a key??

I sympathise, as I faced this exact problem with my DH's ex when I first moved in with him. Only answer IMHO is to take the key away, but be prepared for a scene. I was made to feel like the worst person in the world for putting my foot down about this.

I am still allowed to use both sets of parents house keys whenever I want to come home and I’m 26. They all expect it. But then maybe because I feel all of my step parents and parents are part of my family it’s different.

I feel YAB slightly U. Sorry but kids are still kids and their fathers home is still there home.

How does your door work? Can you either lock it from the inside, or leave the key in so there's won't work?

I realise it's a bit passive aggressive, but it will solve the problem.

I understand the ex wife thing.

Wtf does she still have a key?! Get that sorted

I see no problem with children, i have a key to my mums house and just let myself in (and vice versa). Ex wife is weird though

That’s tricky as it is their dads home but unless I’m expected I always knock at my parents and parents in law house particularly because in my own house I often move from room to room partially dressed while I’m getting ready.
I’d ask for the key back if your wishes aren’t being respected or Change the lock and “accidentally” not give them another.

Get a chain on the door or leave the key in the lock when you don’t want to be interrupted - that way they can let themselves in when they need to (well, the DCs anyway - ex really shouldn’t be letting herself in) but on the off chance you’re having a romantic night in etc do whatever you need to do to get some privacy.

Does everyone who sees no problem turn up at their parents unannounced and let themselves in? Just curious as I’d go crazy if my mum or mil did that without warning.

Actually chain wouldn’t work as they’d just open it part way and then shout to you to open it! Perhaps a sliding bolt on the inside.

If it's your home and he moved in, or a home you got together they are out of order.
In terms of his DC's if it's their family home or his home before you came along you are being very unreasonable. In that situation I wouldn't be happy about my father's girlfriend of 12 months telling me I had to announce when I was coming to visit my dad.
Either scenario, the ex wife is overstepping.

Is it the house they grew up in?

I'm with you on the EXW but not his DC. I'd be very sad if my parents ever expected me to ring the bell and not use my key to what was my family home

Could you move? Get somewhere that’s yours as a couple?

I certainly never let myself into the former family home once I’d grown up and moved out, it was my parents’ house then. But some people have slack boundaries. My DP never locks his door so his ex, DBs, friends etc all just walk into his house and shout hello. I’m the only one who knocks and waits!

Sorry, but I wouldn’t dream of stopping a child (of whatever age) coming into their home. Taking the key away is not on in my opinion.

You don’t seem to respect that it is her home too.

I think you would be unreasonable to marry someone with children if you can’t respect their right to see their dad and be comfortable in their dad’s home.

The boundaries you want are not reasonable. Unfortunately becoming a step mother involves compromises from you that can be quite annoying and difficult.

Did his ex wife let herself in or did one of the DCs open the door with their key and she accompanied them?

I have keys to my parents’ house although I always ring the doorbell first. I would imagine the DCs still see the house as their home, despite being adults and living elsewhere.

I’ve always had keys to parents and PIL and just let myself in. Quite normal in most families I’d have thought.