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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 25/05/2018 21:18

“ He bought this one when they split up, over 5 years ago.”

Yes, but there is a way in which a parents’ home is always your home. I didn’t grow up where my parents now live. But I know that they feel their home is mine, and my siblings’.

gillybeanz · 25/05/2018 21:19

change the locks.
My ds1 who has left home now has a key, he wouldn't think of using it unless he phoned first and we were expecting him.

She either needs to call first or not be allowed in.
When you are in keep a key in the door, or lock it so she can't get in.
pretend to be out and after a few attempts she'll give up and phone first.

VivaKondo · 25/05/2018 21:20

People can have different boundaries. It’s clear that some posters think it’s normal to just Male their way in their parents home wo even knocking in the door.
I would never do that and nor would my parents.

As such, there is nothing wrong with either way of doing things.
What is wrong is to not respect the wishes of the people who are living there.
If the OP and her DP want everyone, incl the ex and the adults dcs to first drop a line or know k in the door before making their way in, then they should respect that.
I doubt that any of the children who appreciate the OP Just making herself at ease in their home whilst they have their girlfriend/boyfriend there for example.....

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 21:20

Gabsalot. Thank you for your sound posts! Honestly, MN is just bonkers at times!

OP posts:
AdeliciousRex · 25/05/2018 21:21

It sounds like they have a really nice family dynamic, and you sound like you really don't get on with them.

CoffeeOrSleep · 25/05/2018 21:22

OP - if 2 are at Uni, I presume that they were both school aged when their Dad bought the house, so while their Mum might have been the Resident Parent, if he was a good Dad, then he would have encouraged them to see his home as as equally their home as their Mum's house.

So while they weren't there 7 days a week, it was also their home - children of divorced parents (who divorce before they have left home) have 2 homes - this was one of them!

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 21:22

Scrubthedecks. You make a good point. Your parents have moved home - together. That is the point. They are still together.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 25/05/2018 21:22

no worries ido

i understand theyre used to doing it but you its your house now aswell and dh should be firm about that

gillybeanz · 25/05/2018 21:23

The ex shouldn't have a key or come round at all, even the dc are old enough to not need her to accompany them.
Your dp needs to sort this out and no way could I handle family wandering in willy nilly.
We like to shag when we want and where we want, mine all know it's best to phone first. Grin

VivaKondo · 25/05/2018 21:23

Yes, but there is a way in which a parents’ home is always your home.

Nope fully disagree with that.
My parents home is my parents, not mine. I would never just come in without at least knocking on the door so the incident with the shower and being hardly dresse wouod never happen.
For me, that’s basic politeness and respecting their own privacy.

It doesn’t mean that I can’t go there or I’m not welcome etc... it means that now that their children are grown up, my parents can start doing what the eco they want in their own home wo having to think about their dcs and been found out.

CoffeeOrSleep · 25/05/2018 21:24

And it does need repeating that most uni students don't see their flats/halls as their home, but still see their parents' home as their home. Which as this was one of their 2 homes after the divorce, is this house.

You have moved into one of their 2 homes. You need to think about how you can adapt to that.

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 21:24

Coffee, the 2 youngest are now 21 and 23. They were 16 and 18 when their parents divorced.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 25/05/2018 21:26

My DC are 18 and 21 and have keys to the house their fathers house.

In the situation you describe, they would just see you as some woman their dad had been dating for less than a year - might last, might not.

Not meaning to sound harsh, just saying that is how they would see it. They wouldn't really be too bothered about how you felt about them letting themselves into their dads house.

If you are upset you need to tell your DP and ask him to take the keys off the adult children. If any boyfriend told me to do this I would tell him to fuck off. My children would always come first.

Ebeneser · 25/05/2018 21:26

Different families clearly have different expectations and boundaries. In my family we just leave doors unlocked and other family members and close friends just let themselves in. Sometimes it's a quick knock and walk in, or walk in and shout hello etc. My grandma used to just leave her keys in the door for people to walk in (her house was like the main social hub though). My late dad used to have my house key and if I was at work and he was passing he'd just let himself in and make himself a cup of tea, and use the facilities etc.

If this is something you are not happy with, then clearly you need to have a family meeting about it. How are they to know they are oversteping your percieved boundaries if you don't tell them and it's something they've always just done as the norm?

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2018 21:26

exactly people do have different boundaries and the ones that existed for 4 years before OP appeared was to come and go as they please - those were the boundaries in place that everyone was happy with. No where does she say they didnt live there and given 2 are at university it is likely that for a time it was there home. One assumes it is one of those who is coming and going.

Actually which one it is is important - those that are married presumably have their own homes - at university its is a nomadic life where you see your parents home(s) as your own

Now the OP is allowed to want to have different boundaries in place but it needs to be approached with the fact that it is her who is changing the agreed boundaries and dynamics that were in place before and coming along and immediately making it out that they have no boundaries and its her space is not the right way forward. The fact is that in under 12 months she has come along and completely changed the dynamic and seems completely unaware of that

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 21:26

@Gabsalot. Yes, I think that is right. He is a great dad and puts his children first, it’s one of the things I love about him. But, he does need to be former about boundaries.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 25/05/2018 21:27

Apologies for shit grammar Grin

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 21:30

Is the house now in joint names? Do you pay money towards it? Don't need to answer if you don't want to but my thought is that if you are not paying towards the house and the DCs know/suspect that, for whatever reason, they will still see it as their DF's house, not yours.

FWIW I'm in the sort of family where DCs enter with their own key whereas parents ring the bell. But parents still together and it was our family home.

CoffeeOrSleep · 25/05/2018 21:30

So 16 and 18 - still at school age?! 16 is definately not an independent adult, 18 often aren't.

Your DP clearly wanted them to feel like it was their home too - giving them keys and encouraging them to come and go. It's hard to turn that off again until they have their own homes (not just uni accomodation or flat shares).

Being a caring and good dad after his divorce is probably part of his lovely personality that attracted you. If he was the sort of bloke that made his own DCs feel unwelcome, he probably wouldn't be the sort of bloke you wanted to be with.

mrsm43s · 25/05/2018 21:31

Thing is, if they are "uni aged" and he's lived there for 5 years, then they were likely what? 13 and 15 when he moved in - so it was their home (albeit part-time) when they were children, and they are, of course, still treating it like a home. I really, truly don't know any uni aged children who have stopped treating their parents house like a home.

You have been with this guy less than a year. You are insignificant in the scheme of things. In another 10/20 years, I might have a different opinion.

sonjadog · 25/05/2018 21:32

I in no way feel my mother´s home is mine. Her home is hers, I have my own. In my family, that's part of being an adult. It sounds like you need to all sit down and have a chat about boundaries.

AdeliciousRex · 25/05/2018 21:34

But did you feel that way at 16 Sonya?

frozenmash · 25/05/2018 21:34

Change the locks and don't hand out new sets of keys. Does the DC who barges in have a permanent address? If so there's no need to have keys to your house

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 21:35

If the DCs know you are the reason their keys get removed, that will damage your rship with them. And their father.

As pp said, be prepared for your DP to side with his kids on this.

CoffeeOrSleep · 25/05/2018 21:35

BTW OP - why does he need to be firmer about bounderies?

Yes with his ExW, she shouldn't be letting herself in, but was she letting herself in, or was her DD letting her in to the house the DD views as as much her home as her Mum's house?

I think to make yourself less stressed, you need to view the children living with you, until they have left full time education.