His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

[Idoidoido]

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

We don’t want to take the keys away, not at all. Just want them to ring the doorbell first. If we’re not in then happy for them to let themselves in. But if we’re in, we’d rather let them in ourselves.

So, your partner had been living at his home for 5 years, and presumably the children - one a 16 year old child at school at that time - lived/visited with him at his/their home for 5 years. All of a sudden you come in, insinuate yourself in the home the children knew as their fathers, and you are upset? And you have only been with him for less than a year? Sorry, I am trying to be as polite and diplomatic as I can.

But I think you are out of line and being unreasonable. Did you ever stop to think the children are uncomfortable with your presence, and they see you as the interloper? After all, it was (sort of) their house with their father. Now, this newcomer comes in, and wants them to knock. On their own father's house. Sorry, but I think you have a cheek. You are not married. You have been with him less than a year. You are barely even a couple all of 5 minutes. And you are treating his children as interlopers when to them, you are the interloper.

They are his children. You are barely even his partner. No child should ever, ever have to knock on their father or mother's door. Never. Ever. You moved into a pre-existing set-up of 5 years. I think their father should pull you up as you are way, way out of line. If you want to change the dynamics, move out with DP into a new home that doesn't have that 5 year/pre-you history. Children are for life. You and their father may not last. Remember, you are the interloper here. You don't ever get the right to remove their keys to their father's house. Ever. Children will always come first. You need to learn your place. He is their father. You are barely his partner and perhaps passing through.

Though I do agree that the ex-wife shouldn't be letting herself in. That is entirely inappropriate, unless she came because of the children for some reason.

To be honest I wonder if he is actually being truthful with you about him being upset with the daughter even before you. If he truly was, she wouldn't have a key and he would have said something long ago. I think he merely said that he didn't agree with it to placate you. Maybe he is telling you both different things. I apologise for the tone of my previous post. Having read the bit about his married daughter, yes, you do have a point. However I still make allowances for the fact that you are only just on the scene. For all they know, you may only be passing through their father's life. She is his daughter, so regardless, that still trumps (for lack of a better word) you imo until you are married to him or in a neutral/new house.

Oh come off it Salem; I've met plenty of people who have met and married within a year and are still married years later. My dad did! Both times. My mum died just so you know.I don't know why expecting a bit of privacy and respect causes people to react so badly. How would the daughter feel if she walked in on the couple in an intimate embrace( to put it politely) ? And at what point in the relationship is the OP allowed to ask for acceptance and consideration? I think if she isn't careful it will be never.

What does your partner say about this?

Sounds like the other children don’t have a problem, just the eldest DD. Your partner needs to talk to her and explain why her letting herself in without warning might not be appropriate. I’m sure she doesn’t want to walk in on you having sex. Boundaries get reframed as children get older and situations change.

If the adult children have moved out its not their home anymore. They may have a room for when they visit but it's not there home, that's where they moved to. I'd take the key off them as it is your home now, you live there. Or put the chain across the door so they can't actually get in unless invited

Have skimmed through and read the op's posts. Has anyone suggested simply putting a chain on the door? Cheaper than replacing the locks and makes the point that the youngest DD can't just wander in as she likes.

It sounds like you've been very patient with the whole situation OP.

Oh look, the person literally just above me suggested a chain if I could read I'd be dangerous!!

You and your partner,dicuss with them,why it isn't ok for them to just to let themselves in,you could be in the shower (not nice to suddenly bump into someone),resting etc.ask them to text you before hand to see if it's convenient for you both.If they can't respect that I would ask for key back. Make sure it's you and your partner who do it together,as they may take humbridge at dad's new partner asking, also they may not respect the rules if they think dad's not on board.

So you have DC OP? If so and they are adults, how do you manage this with them?

As it seems that you and your DP just want them (the one DD in particular) to ring the doorbell first, it seems fairly straightforward just to use an additional method of securing the door when you are in, many have already been mentioned, such as a bolt, chain etc. Then, whoever it is will have to ring, and there will be no favouring anyone, or taking keys away. It's also easily sold as an extra security measure.

It would be valuable to understand if op has DC and what the rules are for them in this situation. Several posters have asked but she won’t respond to that point. Therefore, I am assuming she doesn’t have DC which may mean she doesn’t understand how emotionally difficult this situation may be for the DC and their father. Family set up that’s been going on 5 years that is expected to be changed overnight because Op moves into their fathers family home. I am sure op will correct me if I am totally wrong on this point.

zebra op DP is not happy with them comming unannounced either. He has to address this with them. Now he is in a relationship, it changes. He might want more privacy, they are adults and have to respect that. It is very rude to let yourself into somebodies home, even if you have a key. I have a key to my mums house, it was my childhood home, but I live somewhere else now, so it's not my home anymore. I wou,d never take the piss and let myself into her home unless I was concerned for her safety. I always call and let her know if I am coming, she woukd prefer I did that. If this was the other way round, and MIL or mother or parents kept letting themselves into their kids home, tgere woukd be shouts of: take away the key, instil boundaries! Double standards here!

Aero - total respect your view on this. Different strokes for different people and all that.

IMO it’s not rude for his DC who have had a key and lived between their parents home since the split to come in without knocking. Clearly if op/father are shagging over the kitchen counter that may be a problem and he needs to let his kids know they may be in for a surprise.

I have a key to my DM/DSF home and at 42 I still let myself in. DM/DSF wouldn’t hear of anything else. My mother, in laws and even my 21 year old DN (currently at uni near us) have keys to our home and they let themselves in. It is rare though that DH and I are swinging off the ceiling butt naked.

The point here for me is the argument that this is not their home because they didn’t grown up here or because they are st uni/spend time at their mothers etc. It’s their fathers home. It’s their home in the same way their mothers home is. I also think op needs to be more sensitive to this. She’s only been around 12 months. I hope zoo and new DP are happy and stay together a lifetime but right now she needs to be more sensitive to his DC feelings about their fathers home.

At what point would you say that the OP has a right to say what goes on on what is now her home? I see it never happening. Imagine in another years time saying to the daughter ` please can you phone first/ knock /give the key back. Daughter asks why now. The longer it's left the harder it will be. There are plenty of adult children who sabotage their parents new relationships and think nothing of it. Divorcing or becoming widowed in middle age means another 40/50 years of life.Spending that amount of time without a partner is sad if that is what they would like to do.

You are right there are some adult DC who would love nothing better than to get rid of their parents new partner. But, there are adult DC that want their parents to live a happy fulfilled life after separation or god forbid a bereavement. It’s a real sham when the former happens for all involved.

I have no answer to when Op can start dictating what happens in the family home. However, I do think Op has a responsibility to understand that his DC were their first and see this as their home. Two of them are still studying so I assume still live between halls/shared uni accommodation and their parents homes. I do get a sense that the relationship with at least one Dc doesn’t seem great based on Ops comments. I just feel she needs to be a little more senestive and dictating what his DC can/can’t do after a 12 month relationship is unfair on the DC. The ex DW definitely shouldn’t be letting herself in as she pleases.

I'm not suggesting that the OP dictates what is happening. I'm going along the lines of respect for the father and his new partner, which is what I have said in previous comments.

This is probably irrelevant but what about the mother and her DP. Should she do the same? Even to the D.C. still in full time education probably still reliant on their parents for emotional and f an Ian support. Does the father not have exactly the same parental responsibilties for his DC as the mother? Particularly those in full time education?

zebra, op has said that her do is not happy with this happening either. Primarily it is his home, and what says goes. If he isn't happy, then he needs to address this with his dayghter, if it keeps happening, he needs to take away her key. It is fine if everyone is happy with the arrangement, but not:, if everyone is not in board.

Just because a parent is not happy with their adult child just letting themselves into their former home, does not mean there is anything wrong with it. They have put their boundaries in place, and have a right to have them respected. As I said, my mum would not be happy with me just letting myself into her home, she wod rather me call beforehand. She does not have a relationship,, but is a private person. Irespect that, it's not my home anymore.

Financial support

Everyone has different standards of who can walk into their home and who can't.
I don't even have a key to my parents. I don't get on well with them though so that could be part of the reason why.
What everyone has to learn to respect is that it is now yours and your DP home, regardless of how long you have been with their dad and all other things and therefore the rules will probably change a bit.
It makes sense to ask everyone to ring the bell and wait for a response just in case their dear dad or you are doing something private. You also need time together just as their parents would have needed when they were together.
The problem you have now is kicking up a stink about this, however reasonable you are being, will probably put a strain on your relationship with his DD and a few others will probably get involved.
I think you have to find a nice balance between accepting there will be some interruptions to private time and her actually having respect for her fathers private life with you.

OP as the child of a fractured family YANBU asking a grown up woman of 25 to knock before unlocking the door. It is common courtesy to do so. Ive been on the receiving end of a step parent who didn't want adult children around. If he'd just asked for us to knock on the door of their new home that would have been fine (we would have anyway). However he wanted us to make an appointment to come, suggested we leave earlier than planned when we did come and even asked my DS to spend less time with my mother so he could be with her more, he also criticised us constantly. Eventually it worked and none of us are close to her anymore. So from having lived through this at the other end I think asking for some minor adjustments to their behaviour if okay. From your posts it sounds like you get along with most of them well, just exercise patience and be open with your DP about your needs. Despite what Salem thinks your feelings do matter, you are not at interloper, you and your partner chose each other. Remember that and work on presenting a firm and fair united front.

@ToPlanZ thank you for your kind and thoughtful post. I thought Salem’s post was very rude and full of absurd assumptions. I know I’m not an “interloper” to the family, quite the opposite in fact. I have a good relationship with all the DC’s bar the eldest. And I am sympathetic to her feelings but I think as an adult, she also needs to be respectful of mine and her father’s new life together.

As you rightly point out, she is always welcome and all we are asking is that she rings the bell before entering. That this perfectly reasonable request is bringing out such hostility in some posters says more about them than me.

YOu sound very reasonable Idoido, you are now an important part of your dp life, and have very right to have an opinion as it affects you now, it is your home. This is something as op has stated in her op, that her partner is unhappy with and he has told his ex wife and daughter about it. If thhis adult child cannot respect their privacy and boundaries, the key needs to be taken off her, as she cannot be trusted to be responsible with it.

Thank you @Aeroflot. You have been very helpful and supportive on this thread and I appreciate that very much.