His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

[Idoidoido]

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

Well, your partner obviously doesn’t agree with you otherwise he would have dealt with the situation!

To add we only use the key when they are on holiday as otherwise it’s unlocked.

I think spell it out to the dd.

“Sometimes I shag your dad’s brains out on the dining room table and I would hate for you to be scarred for life by seeing that, please ring the doorbell”.

I would never knock on my parents' or grandparents' door, neither would my siblings. I don't think any of my friends would with their families either, I find the concept a bit odd.

I wouldn't walk into my parents home now entirely unannounced (though I do have a key), but at university age I definitely still regarded myself as partially living there (lots of my stuff was there as I only had a small room at uni). Sounds like these teens do too.

My parents would whinge no end if I made them get up and answer the door when I already have a key! That's how we are as a family - you're expected to call out 'hello' or similar on entering to announce your presence but do not dare ring the bell unless you're an actual visitor. Since you've effectively become part of someone else's family dynamic maybe you all just need to have an open conversation about what you and they consider to be normal, appropriate, behaviour.

Were you having sex on the kitchen floor when they came in before??

I walk into my parents house with my own key but do usually shout hello rather than risk giving them a heart attack!! To be fair they do it here too.. if we don't want them to come in we lock the outer porch door then they think we're not in!

My 2 boys always knock on the door and we open it. This was ever since one of them did use his key and find us having an intimate time. I have a key to my son's house but never use it unless he is on holiday.

Or accept its his house his rules

Sorry, what century is this??

Op - you didn't live in that house with the children, so you don't see it as their home, but they still see it as their childhood home. The ExW is one you have a right to be annoyed at, but not the adult DSC. Most young adults - particularly those still in FT education who don't see their Uni halls/flat shares as a "home" see their childhood home as still their home.

If you want to break that mental 'ownership' of the house as theirs, then as other posters have said, you should get a new place for you and your DP. But you do need to think if your DSC who are still uni age will still need to have somewhere they consider to be home until they have their own home.

Oh and for the exW, I would just get a new lock fitted - tell your DP you've lost your keys, security and all that. Give the 2 DCs still in uni keys straight away. Ask your DP if he thinks the other DCs need keys, don't offer a new key to exW.

It depends to an extent on whether it is the home they grew up in.

I have a key to my Dad’s house, and I wouldn’t think of ringing the doorbell or texting, I’d just let myself in and shout hello (& get the coffee machine on). He’d probably drop on the spot given I live on the other side of the world mind you.

I would always text and then knock on MiL’s door though.

Your partner’s children sound like they have an easy familiarity with their father and their old home. I’d think carefully before trying to get in the way of that. His ex-wife is a different matter and should not be walking in unannounced.

Would people really be ok with adult DC plus partners, parents, in-laws etc just letting themselves in unannounced?

I feel irritated just thinking about it!

My kids are only babies though, so maybe I'll feel differently when they're older.

Sorry, I realised I didn’t answer the question about whether it was their childhood home.

No, the home they grew up in is where his ex wife still lives in. He bought this one when they split up, over 5 years ago.

I am grown up, I have always walked into my parents’ home. He is their Dad. It was their home before it was yours.

If you have a good relationship be nice about it, say ‘steady, you don’t know what you might walk in on, want to try knocking?’.

Surely with the uni aged children it's still their home and they should feel comfortable letting themselves in with their own key? I can't imagine expecting my children to start ringing the doorbell when they want to come in during university holidays - they will live here (part-time in separated families obviously). Married children have another established home, I guess, but it took me many, many years of living independently before I stopped seeing my parent's house as "home", and even now, in my 40s, 20+ years since I left for uni, I'd let myself in to my parents' house with my key- calling out a cheery "hello" in the hallway. I'd be really gutted if they told me this wasn't OK, that I should no longer treat the house as my home.

The thing is,they (children NOT ex wife) are the established family, and you are the newbie interloper. I'm pretty sure I would always choose my children over a new partner, however old they may be.

The ex-wife should no longer have a key, and should respect your boundaries.

It was their home before it was yours.

Why do people keep saying this? It wasn’t their childhood home. Why on earth would their father have kept the family home? He moved out when the marriage broke down and has lived here for 5 years, yes of course the DC’s stayed here regularly. But their mothers home is where they grew up.

still presumably they did live there and see it at their home - and given you have been together for less than a year it cant have been your home for very long either

Now the ex wife - of course not but the children - its difficult presumably before you came along these were the boundaries they all had in place quite happily. Its not ZERO boundaries it just it was seen as their home before it was yours. The respect needs I think to go both ways - they need to respect it is now your home as well and the boundaries may need to change - you need I think to recognise the fact that as the PP said they are the established family and you are new

sorry but if u move out its not your home anymore-my dsis has a key to mine doesnt let herself in though

cross post

it was never their home no way should be this be the norm

It doesn't matter that they didn't grow up there, he has lived there over five years and this is how things have worked.

There is no getting around the fact that it is you changing the dynamic they have with their dad. The two of you should have got your own place.

It's a hard one. I have a partner and my own home and kids. I also have a key to my parents place but when i visit I knock. Wpuld only let myself in if they wasnt in to wait or i thought something was wrong. I'd have a talk to her and say it makes u feel uncomfortable so could she knock or call/text before coming

i dont get that at all they didnt grow up there why should they move so as not to give a key to his dc