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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HeedMove · 25/05/2018 21:36

My father kept the family home.

Stripybeachbag · 25/05/2018 21:36

Quartz2208 has explained it perfectly. The OP has entered their family and has a problem with the way that they have interacted presumably for years. I think she needs to be respectful of how they do things rather than expecting everyone to jump to her preferences.

I feel for the OP in a way. She wants to have a free and fun start to a relationship. But maybe she should have found someone without kids. Even if they are adults in age.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 21:38

I wonder about what planet some pps are on.

You would allow your DCs, with no warning whatsoever, to turn up at your house and find the locks had been changed? Not even that they'd been politely requested to turn in their keys (hurtful enough) and not even simply requested that they ring the bell and only use the key in an emergency/to water the plants when you're on holiday but that their parent has CHANGED THE LOCKS?! Way to show your kids you don't trust them!

Some folk really are desperate to cause a huge family rift, aren't they? Over some perceived universal rules about "boundaries" and "privacy". Very sad.

In fact, how will they come in and wipe your arses when you're old without a flipping key?

cadburyegg · 25/05/2018 21:40

I think YABU.

My children will always be allowed to let themselves into my house even if their father and I split up and we move.

If a new partner had a problem with that then he can go swivel tbh!

I’d ask them to give me notice of when they come round though.

Bluelonerose · 25/05/2018 21:40

I've just come back from my dm I'm 34 let myself in raided their fridge and made everyone a cuppa.
My dm would be more pissed off shed had to get up to let me in.

HellenaHandbasket · 25/05/2018 21:40

If they are at uni, how often is this a problem?

justwishiwasnormal · 25/05/2018 21:41

I'd probably do what I do when I don't want me ex to just walk in; leave the key in the door!! For me I wouldn't have a problem the majority of the time in this situation but would do that if we did fancy sex on the kitchen floor to save embarrassment on not sides!! I don't think it's unreasonable for them to have a key and let themselves in and I can't see me ever expecting this of my son wherever I live in the future irrespective on whether he lived there or not.

HeedMove · 25/05/2018 21:42

Why cant you leave the key locked in the back of the door then when getting frisky?

User467 · 25/05/2018 21:46

OP you've hardly been with your DP for any time at all compared with how long this family have been doing things their way. I'm trying to think how I would feel if a new comer tried to change the dynamic we had in my family and tried to insist jay I now had to knock to visit my own dad, I think I'd tell them where to go. You have more miles to go before you can do that

Coyoacan · 25/05/2018 21:46

What nasty comments from some people on here. But the best and most diplomatic suggestion here seems to be to put the key in the lock on the inside before getting intimate. Life after children is never the same.

FittonTower · 25/05/2018 21:46

I walk into my mum's house and my dad's. I didn't grow up in either, i have a key for both. I think, as this is the way its always been, I'd be really upset if i new partner moved in and i had my key taken away amd was told i had to ring to make check it was ok to come round. They generally know I'm coming (specially my dad as he's a flight away and he picks me up from the airport) but I wouldn't like to be told i wasn't always welcome.
I tend to walk into my MILs too, but she does know I'm coming, she just would rather i let myself in then having to get up and answer the door!
Thing is, as people have pointed out it is different for each family and for your DP's family it's normal. I wouldn't want to come in and demand they change that for me unless it really is a deal breaker for you. Its actually quite a big ask for your DP to take keys off his kids who are clearly used to treating their father's home as their own.

BigChocFrenzy · 25/05/2018 21:48

YABU to ask your stepkids not to use the keys

However, YANBU to start the habit of walking around at home naked (I do, very relaxing)

  • after they have administered brain bleach a couple of times at seeing their dad's girlfriend barefoot all over,
they will always ring the bell and wait … unless they are also naturists and join you
ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 21:49

I suspect this is actually nothing to do with privacy and boundaries and everything to do with OP wanting recognition as their dad's partner. Hence why chat about leaving the key in the door/other practical solutions is irrelevant.

OP wants DP to signal to the DCs that she is not just some girlfriend but a permanent fixture/future wife.

Cantusethatname · 25/05/2018 21:49

Your partner's home is his children's home.

iheartmichellemallon · 25/05/2018 21:49

Can you not put a chain on the door & use that when you're home? Then no drama about taking keys back or even mentioning it - just extra security for you.

Flaminglingos · 25/05/2018 21:50

Bolt the door from the inside when you're at home so they need to knock at the door / ring the doorbell.

NWQM · 25/05/2018 21:52

After leaving my childhood home I always rang the doorbell if my Mum and Dad were in even though I had a key. Now my Mum's circumstances have changed we do let ourselves in but always call out to her out of respect. We don't go further than the hallway till she's replied. We lived a distance away so if we were staying I'd use the key more freely thereafter for the duration of the stay but the first contact seems to me to be only polite. I'd have thought they would have got in touch before coming round - for instance - for the BBQ. What if you were planning on using it. Sorry if repeating what everyone else has said but think it's okay for them to have a key but doesn't mean that they have free access.

Maelstrop · 25/05/2018 21:52

Take the key off her. It’s not appropriate, it’s not their home. They didn’t grow up there.

lifechangesforever · 25/05/2018 21:53

I just walk into my mums. Nanna's, brothers houses without knocking Confused it would be bloody weird if I knocked and just stood there. They can walk into mine too but the dogs notify us well before they get that far

So within a year, they've gone from being able to just pop and see dad whenever to making it awkward?

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 21:54

the DD who lets herself in is 25 and married with DC’s of her own. She is NOT one of the ones at uni. And she is also the ONLY one who lets herself in without warning. The other DC’s will only let themselves in if there isn’t an answer when they ring the doorbell.

OP posts:
llangennith · 25/05/2018 21:56

Change the lock and forget to give them a key.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:56

Your right op, that is your home. Reclaim your key back or change the locks. You and your dp have a right to privacy, without worrying if people are going to let themselves in when you want private time. Their adults, they have to respect your boundaries, you would not go to their home and let yourselves in would you, so they shoulden't yours.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 22:01

OP, genuinely, WHY do YOU think this one particular DC is doing this?

Is it a power game with you? Or is it just thoughtlessness?

You may have to decide how much this bothers you given your DP has not put his foot down.

If you want to bring it to a head, why not stay with a friend/family/hotel for a few days and tell DP why - you need some private space. That will force him into making the call - back you or back the DC. Then you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 22:06

Honestly Chicken, I think it is because she never forgave her father for leaving the family home. Even though it was actually her mother who had the affair and left, she seems to think that he should have stuck it out rather than file for divorce.

I like her. She is intelligent and interesting and we do get on. But, I think you are on to something about the power play. Unlike the other DCs, she seems to have a need to “put me in my place” as the outsider. Not “real” family. I think the only thing that will change that is marriage.

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 25/05/2018 22:09

Your DP needs to have a talk with his children. It's YOUR home and they are VISITORS. If your DP wants you to live together he needs to respect you have different boundaries.

I would be very uncomfortable if my SD just let herself in without letting us know she is coming.