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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 25/05/2018 22:10

I'd change the locks.His married children don't need to be walking in like that.

I have a key to my parents house...but I would let them know when I'm coming over...but I live in a different city.

The kids in Uni could let you know they're returning from Uni.
It's really just courtesy.

Why would his Ex think what she did was okay? Why not phone or text and ask if she could borrow the bbq first....not just turn up like that. Very rude indeed.

How would she like him opening the door to her house unannounced.

This is why I wouldn't like to move into a man's house though.

SecretStash · 25/05/2018 22:10

I would never let myself in to my parents house! They could be doing anything!

How very disrespectful.

However, this very clearly stems from it being very much alright for them to do and the norm for your partner and his children.
What is disrespectful is that they aren’t changing their ways now that it is your home too. That’s unfair of them.

MumofBoysx2 · 25/05/2018 22:11

I think it's only fair the children can come and go. My stepchildren still have keys, they are grown up now, but I wouldn't dream of taking their key away. Maybe you could just ask them to let you know they are coming though so you are not surprised! As for the ex wife she probably won't do that again! But if she does, get your partner to have words with her again.

SecretStash · 25/05/2018 22:12

And to be fair to the ex, I think she probably already had the BBQ conversation with her ex husband and he was probably fully aware that she would let herself in but neither thought it was any different from usual.
The OP soon let them know that it was and he ex hasn’t let herself in since.

It’s just one daughter that’s the issue.

scaryteacher · 25/05/2018 22:12

I think you would be unreasonable to marry someone with children if you can’t respect their right to see their dad and be comfortable in their dad’s home. My Dad's home once he had split from my Mum and moved in with the OW, was their place, and I never felt comfortable there. nor did I want or need to, as I had a perfectly good home of my own which I shared with dh and ds.

Even now when I go to my Mums, I always knock on the door, even though I have a key. It's just polite to do so.

sexnotgender · 25/05/2018 22:14

I work on the if my parents door is open I walk in, if it’s locked I ring the bell despite having keys. I feel it’s polite.

Chattymummyhere · 25/05/2018 22:14

Your going to end up putting him in a your dc/dgc or your gf type of situation. It’s their dads house you started dating a year ago and moved in his clearly been fine with situation till now it will be seen as you pushing out his children adults or not.

SirGawain · 25/05/2018 22:16

My grown up children have keys to our house but they would not dream of letting themselves in except by prior agreement or in an emergency and certainly not if we were at home.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 22:20

I think you have your answer then OP. This is not about locks and keys. This is the age-old story of the awkward nature of stepfamilies.

You need to talk to your DP. He needs to either consistently demonstrate or straight forward (but gently) tell his DD that he loves you, you are a permanent fixture and she needs to get used to that. But gently, gently catchy monkey. Be sensitive, logic plays little part when you're sad your parents have split up. She's still perhaps a hurt teen inside. You can see it clearly, the reason they split, but to her, you're perhaps still an outsider. And you want a relationship with her I presume. So be the bigger person and retain the moral highground here.

Italiangreyhound · 25/05/2018 22:26

I'd get the locks changed, explain to the kids that their keys won't work and not replace them. The reason or excuse you give for changing the locks is up to you.

The other thing I might do is put the chain on any time I was getting romantic with my partner.

As an adult I had a key to my parents' house for emergencies only. I never went round and just let myself in.

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 25/05/2018 22:26

I have a key to my Dad's and would let myself in with a cheery "hello" to announce myself. We have always had that kind of relationship.

We have a key to FIL but we would never use it. Not even Dh on his own going to his Dad's as we don't have that kind of relationship.

If my Dad ever had another woman living at his house (he is widowed) then of course I would not just let myself in, as it is no longer just my Dad's house but the other person's house too.

OP it sounds like a power play on her behalf. It is disrespectful of her to just keep walking in.

greyweather · 25/05/2018 22:28

Sorry, I think you are BU about the kids (even though they are adults). I think wherever the parents are can be counted as home. Try and be reassured that their relationships being good with their father and their want to still be close to him is a good sign and reflective of his character.

As for the ex wife- that id pretty odd and so I think YANBU, since it has never been her home and she is separated from your partner.

Lollypop701 · 25/05/2018 22:31

@chickenvindaloo2
^^^ this.... alternatively face her off when she walks in ... have a conversation naked after telling her you would of course be dressed if you’d known she was coming/had knocked and you’re so glad that’s all she’s caught you at... nod /wink to a married woman!

ElMarineroBaila · 25/05/2018 22:31

YANBU they're adults and should know better than to let themselves in to your home. I don't let myself into my parents house unless they know I'm coming. Change the locks

SemperIdem · 25/05/2018 22:34

I think, re the kids, you’re being a bit unreasonable. Not at all re the ex wife.

I do text my mum/step dad if I intend to go to their house, mainly to check they’ll actually be at home. I’m sure the dog would give them enough warning I’ve arrived to get their clothes back on, should I ever turn up without warning

So perhaps frame it that way “if you want to pop in to see us text to make sure we’re actually going to be in”. It sounds less arsey.

categed · 25/05/2018 22:36

Your dp hasn't offered to change the way his children have access to his house and he may not want to. I know my dad wouldn't. He has an open door policy and just lets himself into all our houses, its just the way it is.
Also in my family we have always known no matter what we have a home at our parents (inlaws and my dad) if we need it. That's the way the family dynamics work.
How will you feel if he doesn't want to change the rule that his children have free access to his home? Will it be a deal breaker? In the future will he expwct grandchildren to have free access? My dc and nieces and nephews all have free access to my dads. I think this is a discussion the two of you need to have. What do you both see the future as and how do you see his family being part of it. (Even down to inheritance,would the house be yours or left in trust to his children?) All pertinant questions but people often avoid having these conversations until too late.
Good luck getting it all sorted, i am sure it will work out fine. But do please remember that for a lot of famies, not all, wherever a parent lives,mum or dad,is always the family home.

Louiselouie0890 · 25/05/2018 22:37

If they're not expected they should knock. It's mutual respect. You could be doing anything. I have a key I still knock on its no longer my home. People should be able to relax without worrying someone may walk in.

ToadsforJustice · 25/05/2018 22:40

Ask her for a key to her house.

HeddaGarbled · 25/05/2018 22:42

You have moved in with him rather quickly if you've been seeing him for less than a year. What happened to your own home?

My guess is that in the eyes of everyone except you, this is your boyfriend's home and you are a new girlfriend who sometimes stays over.

If your relationship lasts, and, as you rightly say, if you marry, they'll get used to his house now being your home, though he may still have to have a conversation with his daughter about not intruding on your privacy.

I don't think you have any right to be pissed off about the ex wife and barbecue incident, and his ex is behaving with respect and maturity. I'm not sure that you are.

Don't rush into marriage. This man has a family whom he loves. He needs to balance his consideration of their feelings with his consideration for yours. It sounds like he's doing a good job of that but it will take a while for everyone to get used to your new relationship and there will be some hiccups on the way. It's not good for you or your relationship to leap to anger every time things don't go exactly how you would prefer.

I would strongly advise you to wait another year before you think about marrying into this family and I would also advise that you keep your financial and housing options open so that you will not be penalised if you decide that living in his house isn't good for you.

Original poster

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 22:46

Whatever HeddaGarbled. Ive been on MN long enough to be aware of your pontifications about relationships. BTW, rtft. SHE left HIM for another man.

OP posts:

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/05/2018 22:49

I have a key to both parents' homes but would never use unless they were out and I'd been asked to let myself in. That woman needs to return her key, she clearly can't be trusted to respect your privacy.

TheOriginalEmu · 25/05/2018 22:50

I’ve always just walked in to my dads house and I’ve never lived there. Its just the dynamic we’ve always had. Should the door be locked, I knock and wait. It’s quite hard to change the habit of a life time to be fair.

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/05/2018 22:51

Hedda, why don't you think OP has any right to expect DC to knock at the door like other visitors to her home?

Original poster

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 22:52

Emu, that’s exactly it though. I/we don’t have a problem with her walking in if the door is unlocked. It’s the fact that the door is locked and she actively unlocks it and walks in without announcement whilst we’re enjoying a cosy evening that pisses me off.

How some posters can’t see that is beyond me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 22:56

Pulsifer, HeddaGarbled is jumping to a lot of conclusions as usual without any evidence. Where she gets that I am “leaping to anger” and that the ex wife is behaving with maturity and respect whilst I am not is all in her head. Just ignore her.

OP posts:

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