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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:43

You don’t seem to respect that it is her home too

It’s not her home anymore. She has her own home and DH now.

OP posts:
CopONNotLinkedIn · 25/05/2018 20:43

That must be awful but I think you're being unrealistic if you think his children are going to start regarding their childhood home as your home Confused

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 25/05/2018 20:44

I find these answers odd - my parents still live in my childhood home, and I'd never dream of letting myself in! I don't live there any more, so I knock! I don't think it's unreasonable for your partner's DC to do the same personally.

Even at my PIL, who do have an open-house policy, I'll either knock, or let myself in the back (if we're already expected) with a loud 'HEELLLLOOO' - to me, that's polite!

Unless they're not in, then I use the same, tried and tested method of breaking in to the house I did when I was 14 and forgot my key....

kissthealderman · 25/05/2018 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineofuselessinformation · 25/05/2018 20:44

Change the lock that she has a key to.
A grown adult should understand that it is not polite to walk into someone else's home uninvited.

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:45

Also, why should we have to worry about walking around naked, or think twice about having sex on the kitchen floor - in our own home?

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 25/05/2018 20:45

After I grew up and left home (ie went to University), although I still had a key to my parent's home, I never used it. I always rang the bell and waited for the door to be answered. It seemed polite and respectful.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/05/2018 20:47

Also, why should we have to worry about walking around naked, or think twice about having sex on the kitchen floor - in our own home? maybe do this a bit more often and hopefully they’ll get the message!

lunar1 · 25/05/2018 20:47

Your partner has obviously been happy for his children to let themselves in. You've come along and in a year they have to hand in their key and knock and wait. If you'd wanted new rules the pair of you should have got your own place together.

Ethylred · 25/05/2018 20:47

They will always be his children.
You, on the other hand, are in with a shout of being a
stereotypical stepmother.

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:48

That’s exactly what I think too ScrabbleEgg. It’s just manners that you would expect from any well behaved adult.

OP posts:
BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 25/05/2018 20:49

Why would the kids knock? It's just as much their home even if they're at uni. The mum was just a tag along

BlueBalletDress · 25/05/2018 20:49

I personally think if you don't live somewhere, you knock first!

I would never just let myself into my parents' house, especially if they weren't expecting me. Even when my Nan was ill and couldn't easily get to the door, we'd still give a courtesy knock and shout "it's us" when going in.

That's just basic respect.

HeedMove · 25/05/2018 20:49

Wait what you dont think they should be allowed to walk into their own dads home?

Thats completely weird. My dad, siblings and my inlaws and dhs siblings all walk in each others house. I asked my dad for a drink the other day and he said you never need to ask me for anything here this will always be your home where you are more than welcome to help yourself to whatever you like your my daughter. Wonder if his new partner is raging 😂 get a grip op.

RideOn · 25/05/2018 20:49

I just walk into my parents house, luckily I live far enough away that the know I'd be in the area! But my siblings walks in and out, I can't ever remember any of them ever ringing the doorbell. Same with my ILs. If it is their childhood home I think you will have to lock the door if you want to walk around naked.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/05/2018 20:50

Wow I can’t believe how rude some of these replies are! People have different boundaries and different ideas about privacy etc. OP isn’t unreasonable to want to be able to relax in her own home without worrying about people (including her DP’s ex) wandering in. How many of you “it’s their family home too” types would really be happy with your DH’s ex walking in unannounced. Honestly.

AllMYSmellySocks · 25/05/2018 20:51

I think everyone has a tendency to treat their parent's home as if it's still their own and slip back into the child-parent role. That said I think it's normal to at least text if you're coming over, especially if you're parent has a new partner.

Chattymummyhere · 25/05/2018 20:52

Our family’s work on if the doors unlocked you don’t knock. My in laws and my parents don’t lock their doors you are just expected to let yourself in. Dh has a key to the in laws and I have a key to my parents. Nobody has a key to ours and we are door lockers.

MyAuntyBadger · 25/05/2018 20:53

I would never walk into a house without knocking unless I lived in it.

HeedMove · 25/05/2018 20:53

Eh if you want sex on the kitchen floor then lock the door and leave the key in so they cant get in. Like we do. No issues. No drama.

MyAuntyBadger · 25/05/2018 20:53

Currently I mean.

Original poster
Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:53

Thank you MyRelationshipIsWeird. Fortunately I have been on MN long enough to ignore the rude posters.

OP posts:
AllMYSmellySocks · 25/05/2018 20:55

I agree with MyRelationshipIsWeird its fair that OP wants some privacy in her own home. Your own children walking in is different from your partner's children who you don't know well walking in. My DH's parents are both remarried and it definitely affects how we treat their home.

HeedMove · 25/05/2018 20:55

Allmy - its clearly not "normal" for everyone to text. I was just sitting on the couch with dh when my dad, his partner and.daughter turned up unannounced. I got up and offered them a drink. If I text my dad im just coming over hed say eh okay why you texting to tell me that. Just come!

HellenaHandbasket · 25/05/2018 20:56

Dunno, wouldn't occur to me to knock on my parents' door, or Mil's. However were one of my parents living with someone who wasn't my parent, I would. If that makes sense.