To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

[Bobbybear10]

I’ve just read your whole thread and I’m so sorry it’s a bit shit for you at the moment.

I just want to gently ask if you truly think you are ready to be dating or entering into a relationship?

From your posts I get that you’re anxious and honestly I know how that feels! But you really do seem to be needing a very high amount of communication and attention that just wouldn’t be achievable for most people (not to mention bloody terrifying!)

You are swinging between being happy and high that he has text you ‘enough’ times to being low and depressed (and catastrophizing) when his contact dips. Can you see how you are pinning your feelings and happiness onto his behaviour?

Ideally a new relationship is about the other person adding something good to your already happy life. It shouldn’t be hard! If you are happy and busy doing your own thing and you happen too get a text then that’s great but allowing yourself to give, what is essentially, a very early potential relationship so much headspace and to be an analysing and questioning his behaviour so much is really not very mentally healthy.

Why do you need this man to be having such a huge amount of commitment to you after a handful of dates over a scattered period? (44 texts in a day is a huge amount of communication!)

[ghosting]

Re the level of texting, I guess some people just text more than others. So far today we’ve exchanged over 50 texts, and it’s only lunchtime. It’s mostly just inane chat - what’s for lunch, how’s your day etc, but that’s what’s normal for us. It’s not me pestering him every 5 minutes; there is an equal initiation of texts. I text some friends about the same amount of times a day, that’s just normal for us.

Things in general have been a lot better because I have been managing my anxiety better. But sometimes stuff he does triggers me, like last night. My ExH was abusive, and so was my mum, and I’m finding myself getting triggered by him but actually it’s just reopening past stuff that isn’t to do with him.

Maybe the catastrophising is partly linked to that.

[Bobbybear10]

I don’t think 50 texts in my be morning is at all normal.
I think the problem with having 50 texts a morning baseline is that there is nowhere to go from there.
If the contact dips, which 50 texts a morning just isn’t feasible in the long term, you are going to think he is rejecting you/isn’t interested anymore/is playing games and it’s sending you into a tailspin.

You are pinning so much of your emotional wellbeing on this mans interactions with you. You are setting the relationship up to fail right from the start by needing so much from another person.

I haven’t meant my post to come across as mean and I really hope I’m wrong and you both skip of into the sunset

[ghosting]

But what if he is feeling the same? As I said, it’s not just me sending all these messages. What if he is maintaining this level of contact because he feels the same level of anxiety if I drop off my level of contact?

I do have a life that is separate from him. I see friends, go running, see my family, do stuff with my kids, work 2 jobs. My happiness is not dependent on him making me happy, I’m pretty good at doing that myself. However, I’ll agree that I can feel less happy if he acts in a way that triggers a load of past stuff in me.

[ghosting]

Yes, 50 a day

[RangeRider]

So far today we’ve exchanged over 50 texts, and it’s only lunchtime
How on earth do you actually find enough time to do anything to text about if you're on your phone that much? Don't you have a boss, co-workers, friends etc. who are sick of seeing you texting constantly? Surely that level is abnormal? I couldn't cope with one day of that, let alone every day.

[ghosting]

Getting ready for work, Walking to work, lunch break etc. They are pretty short texts!

[gendercritter]

Sometimes MN is really depressing.

Op you can do better. I really don't think it should be this hard, this early. I think if the relationship isn't making you feel great quite a lot of the time, you either aren't with the right person or you're not in the right place within yourself to be with him.

You've given this a good few months but I'd really urge you to look at moving on. He has some pretty complex insecurity issues if you're saying he doesn't believe you when you compliment him. That alone is a red flag. Healthy adults are able to accept a simple compliment. Very low self-esteem can cause problems like jealousy further on down the line.

I don't like texting non-stop and can easily go long stretches without going near my phone but going right back to the first time you slept together I think it's pretty rubbish if someone is really into you and doesn't text you the morning after your first night together. I'd have walked away then. You aren't really valuing yourself right now.

[ghosting]

you either aren't with the right person or you're not in the right place within yourself to be with him

That’s a great comment, thank you.

I do honestly think it’s me. I’m stuck in my head about it all at the moment and if I can let it go and enjoy it, it’s actually really good!