To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

Sorry I meant that we had a great day!

OP no offence but you sound fucking desperate

Really?! Why?

You continue to shag him after he has treated you the way he has and you think that's the way to keep him wanting more

Treated her what way? You mean been consistently nice and interested and just had a great date with her? Yes, she should totally start using sex as a weapon so she can, um... have more great dates but miss out herself?

Chocolate, you are clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer so spread your poison elsewhere.

Have been on the baggage reclaim site and reading about fast forwarding and future faking...

When we are together, it’s great. But sometimes there is just something I can’t quite put my finger on...

It would be better if you had something HE couldn't quite put HIS finger on 😂-- at least until he's shown himself to be consistent, reliable, definitely single (I'm sorry, but I'm still dubious; nobody is THAT busy), looking for the same things as you, trustworthy, sincere and keen.

I really don't like the "shag first, ask questions later" method of dating. I don't think it works for women. We bond and connect during sex, that's natural for us. To fight it - by trying to dial down our interest, manage our expectations, and hide our true interest until such time as we feel it won't scare men away - is just wrong.

If you think he might be full of shit, lighten things up; withdraw the nookie, get active online, and start seeing other people properly. You can always date this guy too, just don't do it exclusively.

I don't like the thought of you spending your free evenings alone reading Baggage Reclaim. I'd far prefer you to be going out, meeting new people, and letting this guy fight to find a spare slot in your diary.

When you say there's something you can't quite put your finger on, does that mean when you're with him or when you arn't?

I'll admit, something seems a little off to me. But I wish you the best and hope some of us are wrong

You should never ignore your gut feeling. It's there for a reason.

Whatsgoingoneh yes if I were to turn the clock back, I wouldn’t have had sex so early. However, I did. We have had a couple of dates since where we have just chatted and not had sex, so it’s not all about that. But what’s happened has happened and I can’t change that.

I don't like the thought of you spending your free evenings alone reading Baggage Reclaim

That’s not what my life is like at all! My life is pretty much the same as it was before I met him. Busy!

When you say there's something you can't quite put your finger on, does that mean when you're with him or when you arn't?

When we aren’t together. When we are, it’s great. But when we aren’t, I feel a bit unsettled about it. But that may be my anxiety.

@ghosting

That’s not what my life is like at all! My life is pretty much the same as it was before I met him. Busy!

Oh good! As you were, then. 🤣 I did get a bit shouty and I'm sorry. I will get off my soapbox. Glad you're having sex-free dates too.

Do you usually get anxious? If you do, then it could simply just be that. If you don't, then pay attention to it.

Nothing to do with the thread,, but Whatsgoingon I'm always a little bit impressed iwhen someone online can apologise/change their minds a bit. Most people can't.

Yes, I do get anxious, particularly in relationships. I am forever trying to second guess people. I like to know exactly where I stand with someone. In general I’m not much good with doubt of uncertainty. It makes me feel very unsafe. So in the early stages of a relationship when I don’t really know where it’s going, I guess I’m not finding it easy to just go with the flow. I am a routined and structured type of person.

Hence I guess being with him, I feel ok. He demonstrates how he feels, and I feel ok. When we are apart, any tiny sign of anything that makes me doubt the relationship (him not texting for 4 hours etc) sends me into a panic.

So that’s really my stuff.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/11342348

@Honeyroar - Thanks. 😊 Please tell my DH that my ability to change my mind is a good thing. It drives him insane.

@ghosting

Yes, I do get anxious, particularly in relationships. I am forever trying to second guess people. I like to know exactly where I stand with someone. In general I’m not much good with doubt of uncertainty. It makes me feel very unsafe. So in the early stages of a relationship when I don’t really know where it’s going, I guess I’m not finding it easy to just go with the flow. I am a routined and structured type of person.

Have you heard about attachment styles? Obviously don't stay in tonight reading about this 😝 but they're interesting. What you've described above is an Anxious Attachment style. (I'm very similar.) Did you have a chaotic/insecure childhood, or parents who argued a lot?

The interesting thing is that Anxious Attachment people are often very attracted to Avoidant Attachment people. Which might go some way to explain why you like this particular guy.

🤔

[Update] Or, in short, everything your HuffPost article already said!

I only just read it. 🤪

I’m just coming to park my anxiety here for a moment.

I’m having CBT at the moment for depression (which was much worse at the start of the year when I asked for the referral) and anxiety. One of the things I am trying to address is boundary setting. I’m really bad at it. I know why I’m bad, and I’m working on it. But my biggest fear is that setting and enforcing boundaries will mean people reject me. That they won’t like what I say/me saying no, and will either get upset or leave/abandon/reject me.

Tonight I’ve had to say no to something the new guy wanted (to stay over on a night I have the kids). It’s non negotiable for me. It’s a boundary that’s really important - they haven’t met him and it’s not ok for him to stay over when they are with me. So I told him that wouldn’t work for me. And he sounded ok with it (on the phone), but my anxiety is sky high at the moment.

My cbt guy told me to experiment with boundary setting and that my anxiety would be worse when I enforced a boundary because of the fear of the consequences. So I’m sitting here Freaking Out. Even though I know that if he gets pissy about this then he’s really not the kind of guy I want to be with. But I’m still scared. And also I would actually have liked to have seen him but now won’t, so am disappointed about that as well.

So I’m writing here instead of sending ridiculously needy texts to him.

Gah!!!

Ghosting - you did the right thing. Your children are rightly your priority and also this guy will show he's worthy of you by being ok with this 👍

Don't text people to say thanks for shagging you. Weird.

Ghosting focus on the things you know are right - it wasn't right for him to stay over while your kids are there and if he was to get pissy about that he isn't the man you need. You're totally right about that. If it fell down because of that it's nothing to do with you setting boundaries, it's simply that he's not the right jigsaw piece to fit into your life. He wouldn't be rejecting you because you set boundaries, you'd be rejecting him because he couldn't work with your boundaries. Your boundaries are important..

@ghosting I struggle with exa y the same problems and you could be my twin! You are doing the right thing. Setting boundaries is hugely anxiety inducing to start with. It feels unnatural and scary but what @Honeyroar said is absolutely right. You've got this!

You’ve literally met him two or three times and he wants to stay over when your children are there? You have done the right thing.

Ime that’s when the guy is more interested in the shag than going out and puts pressure on to stay over too soon.

Well done you on your boundaries!